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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding related issue

19 replies

OneMoreCupOfTea · 14/02/2015 08:51

A friend I was very close to at school is getting married this June. I have recently received the wedding invitation, they are getting married in a part of the country in the south which is not very easy to get to, not near good transport links and an hours drive from the nearest city/large town so not near much accommodation. The wedding is on a wednesday. It is also child free.

Now, I know it is their wedding and many people will say they are entitled to do whatever they would like with their day, and honestly, I am the first to appreciate that. However, we have three small children, one of whom is exclusivey breast fed and we have no available childcare.

What would you all do in our position? Take time off work and take it in turns to attend parts of the wedding/look after the kids? Or would you just decline the invite? I think we should probably just decline, but it is a circle of close friends that we only really get to see at events like this due to geographical distance/work/kids and it would be really nice to catch uo with everyone.

I feel quite disappointed in their lack of consideration for their guests at the location, lack of accommodation, it being on a wednesday and the no children rule. AIBU to feel like this or should I just accept 'their wedding, their choice'?

OP posts:

whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey · 14/02/2015 08:54

I'd accept 'their wedding, their choice'. There are probably very good reasons why they've planned it this way.
I'd decline, and then arrange a get together for the summer with all of the crowd.

CrystalHaze · 14/02/2015 08:58

They're presumably aware that people have work and/or children, that the place isn't easily accessible, etc, so perhaps this was their roundabout way of keeping numbers (and costs) down?

Under the circumstances, they can't really be surprised or take the hump if people decline.

MouseInTheSkirting · 14/02/2015 08:58

Decline invite. If they really wanted you there they'd have made it easier for you.

honeysucklejasmine · 14/02/2015 08:58

I think individually none of those choices are terrible, but to combine them together is silly. No experience myself but my sister had this situation and chose not to go in the end. She was sad to have missed the day, and the bride wasn't best pleased, but they're both over it now. Honestly, i think they are growing apart anyway, such is life! Especially when one moves away and another sproggs up. That's just the way it is.

CrystalHaze · 14/02/2015 08:59

Oh, and you wouldn't be missing out on 'catching up with everyone' as a number of others will be similarly constrained and likely to decline.

FluffyMcnuffy · 14/02/2015 08:59

It's an invitation not a summons. If you can't go don't go but there's no need to moan about it and feel "disappointed"

ShadowSpiral · 14/02/2015 08:59

I think it's perfectly reasonable to feel disappointed about the difficulties you'll have attending the wedding while still accepting that it's their wedding, their choice.

What would be unreasonable would be contacting them to complain about the inconvenience or ask that they change their arrangements to suit you (which you seem to have no intention of doing, so YANBU).

It all comes down to how much you want to see them and the other guests, but personally, I'd probably decline the invite given the circumstances.

FluffyMcnuffy · 14/02/2015 09:00

That should be

MinceSpy · 14/02/2015 09:03

When they decided on the location and date they knew some invited people would have to decline. You are one of those who will need to say you can't attend.

Original poster

OneMoreCupOfTea · 14/02/2015 09:04

Ok thanks, I think I will just decline. I obviously have no intention of contacting them to tell them how I feel so no worries on that score.
Fluffy- I honestly think it is fair to feel disappointed when unable to attend a close friends wedding so we will have to disagree on that point.

OP posts:

Littlecaf · 14/02/2015 09:08

Their wedding, their choice.

Your time/DCs/money/work availability, your choice whether to go or not.

I think I've been to about 90% of weddings I've been invited to over the years, with the exception of one which was in Greece (I was a student and couldn't afford it) and one for childhood friend whom I had a very brief fling with about 18 months previously...... My parents went though! (They had no idea. I hope).

It is fine to politely decline. You don't need to go into lengthy reasons why. Just say your DP is working and unfortunately you cannot get childcare due to BF. If you feel bad about it, send a polite thank you card and buy them a well wishing present off of the gift list.

Original poster

OneMoreCupOfTea · 14/02/2015 09:08

I suppose I posted as I felt so conflicted between my belief of 'your wedding, your choice' and the reality of all the choices this particular friend had made which show a complete lack of consideration for guests. I think there may be some truth in the suggestion that they are trying to keep numbers down.

OP posts:

ColdCottage · 14/02/2015 09:33

I think it is fine to be disappointed as you don't want to miss sharing their special day.

I would decline but I would probably call (email or card might have the tone read wrong) and say how you would really love to share their special day but due to various reasons, you can't juggle it all to make it but if they are going to be around the weekend after, perhaps along with some of your other school friends perhaps you could come down and go for a celebration lunch with them?

laughingmyarseoff · 14/02/2015 10:12

Their wedding, their choice- if the B&G considered every guest then they'd never get a clear decision. YANBU to be disappointed, I'd send a decline RSVP saying you'd love to have come but are unable. If they ring to ask, then explain.

championnibbler · 14/02/2015 10:29

I would most certainly decline.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 14/02/2015 10:33

I'd decline too. It sounds like a concious decision by the couple to keep numbers and costs low so invites are issued out of politeness.

19lottie82 · 14/02/2015 10:36

You say it's someone you were "close to at school", so you're not close to now? If not I wouldn't even worry about it. If you feel the need to explain just say you LO is BF so leaving then for the night is out of the question, sending your apologies.

No need to worry, you're overthinking this one.

Scrumbled · 14/02/2015 11:22

Yanbu to feel disappointed but if you're going to have play childcare tag the catching up may not happen anyway.
yanbu to decline the invitation.

crazykat · 14/02/2015 11:36

I'd decline tbh. Yes it's their wedding, their choice but they've planned a wedding in the middle of the week that's also in the middle of nowhere so they must realise that for many people it would be too difficult to get to.

If it was on a Friday, somewhere easy to get to with plenty of affordable accommodation then I'd try to work out a way to get there. No way would I take two days off midweek, have to arrange childcare for an ebf baby, spend loads on travel and accommodation, not to mention gift, drinks, food for the following day etc.

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