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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be resentful of my mother saying this

21 replies

Chicci1 · 13/02/2015 18:30

Was in a shop today with my mum and pregnant shop assistant mentioned that her own mother is so excited about her imminent grandchild and is in fact retiring so she can be around to help. My mum said that's a great idea and she is delighted she was retired already when her grandchild (my baby) came along six months ago so she could be around full time to help me because mothers need tonnes of help with newborns. Now my problem is that my mum hasn't helped at all so I am irate at her making out that she is granny of the year to anyone who will listen. She has made similar comments in front of me in the past. She lives 20 minutes away but will only call over if invited for lunch or dinner. She has never even once popped over to give a hand or even just for a cup of tea and a chat which I would love so much. She says she's too busy when I gently remind her that I'd love her to pop over. She gets annoyed if I don't bring my baby over to visit her regularly. I know she doesn't owe me any assistance but aibu in being angry at her comments?

OP posts:

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 13/02/2015 18:31

Sounds just like my mum. No advice really but I understand where you're coming from!

HiawathaDidntBotherTooMuch · 13/02/2015 18:33

My PIL seem to think they are grandparents of the century. They would present this front sniff truly believe it. Believe me, they are not, so I completely understand.

HiawathaDidntBotherTooMuch · 13/02/2015 18:33

this front and truly believe it

Pippidoeswhatshewants · 13/02/2015 18:33

No advice from me either, but isn't it amazing how completely different from reality some people's view of themselves is?

HiawathaDidntBotherTooMuch · 13/02/2015 18:34

Yes, pippi, it's absolutely staggering I me. Don't you think that it's always people believing that they're wonderful, rather than the other ash round?

Letmeeatcakecakecake · 13/02/2015 18:36

Anything my mum says grates on me! YANBU

flipchart · 13/02/2015 18:36

Yep, my mum as well.

Only helped when absolutely necessary but I was expected to fall to my knees and be for ever grateful if she so much as bought the baby ( as he was) a cardigan. She still brings it up 18 years yes, years later that I didn't seem over the moon for hours over an Ethel Austin cardi!! I did say oh, that's nice, thanks at the time!

Her and dads loss. Us four are very tight knit as a family unit.

yomellamoHelly · 13/02/2015 18:38

The less my MIL has done over the years the more she has got like this. I let it wash over me (not worth the headspace feeling cross about it).

ocelot41 · 13/02/2015 18:41

Oof I would have been livid! That said I have come across some GP who do this kind of double-think and the problem is they really believe that they do tonnes to help! My own parents will talk at length about how much they did to help my sibling but in actual fact they babysat exactly twice in 15 years. It is fine if GP don't want to help - it is a choice after all. But the long stories of how awesome they are and how get risk being 'taken advantage of' really make me go

MinginInTheRain · 13/02/2015 18:43

How would she react if you asked her about it? Easier said than done I know.

Is she actually useful when she is around or waiting to be looked after herself?

What happens if you specifically ask for help?

Sorry for all the questions but I couldn't bear this situation. If she really is unhelpful but likes to pretend she is marvellous I couldn't let the myth continue. Every situation and dynamic is different I know so would be interesting to learn how she is when she 'helps'.

Hissy · 13/02/2015 18:43

You should have just laughed OP!

And then said, oh I thought you were joking! Whoops!

SneakretSanta · 13/02/2015 18:55

We were living with my DM temporarily when DS was born. In the week he and I had to spend in hospital after the birth, she didn't make so much as a cup of tea for DP when he got home late each night from the hospital. When after days of coming home to find she'd already eaten he came back with a drive-through macdonalds, she called him selfish for not getting her one. Then when DS and I came home she moaned constantly that she couldn't invite her friends over to meet him if I 'would insist on doing that left right and centre' (ie breastfeeding). She changed one nappy when he was five weeks old, and would occasionally condescend to hold him for five minutes while he was going through super clingy days to let me make a sandwich. However, she mostly harassed me about breastfeeding, harassed me that DP was 'too obsessed' with the baby (as he took a bit of annual leave on top of paternity leave), yelled at me for 'not pulling my weight' when I hadn't cleaned the bathroom within two days of getting home, and objected to any baby stuff being placed anywhere downstairs as it would scratch her wooden floors. The most annoying part was we got no help from anyone else either as everyone assumed she would be. DP's parents didn't feel like they could pop round and any of my friends that visited to see the baby got swept off to talk to her.

But the other day I heard her telling her cousin how glad she was we'd been with her those first few weeks as we'd 'never have coped' otherwise.

Argh.

SneakretSanta · 13/02/2015 18:56

I'm so sorry, that was epic. I may still be harbouring a bit of resentment...

But yes: YANNNNNNNBU!!!!!!

Royalsighness · 13/02/2015 18:58

Sounds like my PIL. Both keep saying they are retiring to help with DS and soon to be born DD but when actually asked for help they are nowhere to be found and demand we take DS to visit them rather than come to us.

Mad

fluffyraggies · 13/02/2015 19:12

My mum fondly believes that she was partly responsible for DD1s upbringing. And because of this any and every success that DD1 (now 21) has achieved in her life so far is greeted by my mum with very serious mutterings along the lines of ''ohhhhh yes, well, you know i did spend soooooo much time reading/talking/counting/etc with her ..... you know, while she was with me''. Nods sagely.

What was the nature of this amazing stint of parenting she did for DD1 you ask. Did she raise her through her primary school years? Did she take DD1 on as a child, only to had her back as a teen?

Nope.

She looked after her for 2 hours, 3 times a week, for a month (while i did some office cleaning for a bit of cash).

AlwaysDancing1234 · 13/02/2015 19:15

YANBU! Sounds like my PIL's - both retired, still fit and able to visit, also have a car but expect me to drag DD on the bus to see them. When they do come to us it's only long enough for a cup of tea, they then make a big deal to anyone who will listen about "visiting" us but never actually help out. I always end up making them tea etc!

ocelot41 · 13/02/2015 19:22

I would be tempted to ask her a kid-related favour now, y'know seeing as she is so keen to do more with the grandkids and all...

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 13/02/2015 19:35

Ha ha my mil is the same. Facebook fantastic granny of the year when in reality she is just a Christmas and birthday granny.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 13/02/2015 19:39

We are TTC at the moment and have both sides arguing over how much childcare they want to do. I wonder if we'll be left with neither of them doing any

Andrewofgg · 13/02/2015 19:56

Sneakret I understand bf left and right but centre - you medical miracle, you!

OP That sounds ghastly. The bit about your DP being "too obsessed" reminds me of my MIL - much as she annoyed me I have to say she was a good GM, but this sticks in my memory. (Backstory: she and her sister were brought up from quite young by their widowed father.) When DS was about six months old and I was sitting with him in my arms and talking to him she told me I was "fussing over him too much - Pa always said that that would make a boy soft".

And I told her that as I now had six months' more experience of bringing up a boy than her father had had, I would do it my way.

WastingMyYoungYears · 13/02/2015 20:14

I have one of those DMs too. It's annoying, but I suppose it's them that misses out in the end.

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