To think that counselling has made me worse?

[dontcallnotdating]

During counselling yesterday it came out that I'm frightened of people judging me. I had two relationship break ups, that left me feeling as if I'd been judged and found lacking. I don't like people coming into my house in case they judge it. It emerged that I'm hearing my mum's critical voice in my head. I became quite tearful during counselling, even though I'd been ok when I walked in.

That evening - an aggressive tailgater beeper at me when I took a second to check it was clear before turning right. When I pulled over, I was sobbing and shaking and gasping for breath. I felt like I couldn't breathe. It lasted for about ten minutes but I was shaky for ages afterwards. Now I'm wondering if counselling has somehow damaged me? Maybe some things are meant to stay buried?

I feel like avoiding people at the moment and I've retreated into myself.

I'm a counsellor and also had many years of counselling.
I know for me on a personal level that it took months of personal counselling before I left the session feeling anything other than bereft!
I was ill after every session BUT now I know that if you are dealing with unconsciousness thoughts these can come back to the present and smack you in the face, full on and remembering how awful/helpless etc I felt at the time. Maybe ask your therapist to 'ground' you before leaving the session, meaning to bring your here and now thoughts to the front and popping trauma/hurt to one side so that leaving and the journey home is not traumatic.
It is quiet a normal feeling OP.
What I would suggest is that if you are able to speak to your therapist and tell her/him, it is very, very informative and helpful to the therapist that you can share this with them.
There maybe techniques you can learn, unresolved feelings around what you are talking about and it can lead to a great ending for you.
I hope the relationship with your therapist is one of trust and mutual respect so you can be honest about how you feel when you left today/this week.
Also don't be afraid to tell her/him for fear of being judged etc because this wont happen and always remember the therapist is there just for you to try to walk with you to your resolve.

I'm seeing my therapist next week so I'll definitely discuss it. I feel quite detached at the moment from things. I don't know if I'll ever have a relationship again as I can't bear being vulnerable and I feel as if lots of people just want to hurt me. Discussing that seems to bring it to the surface.

I definitely felt worse for a while before feeling better when I had counseling. All the crap that I had buried came to the surface and had to be dealt with. I did eventually feel much better, but I did spend a few weeks just crying all the time.
I hope you feel better soon.

I've had counselling and my situation was exactly as yours, hyper critical toxic mother. I felt worse for a while: and then i got angry which alarmed me, but then i just felt sad that she hated motherhood so much and took her issues with her being adopted out on me.

I finally realised I am not the baddie, that she was massively fucked up but in denial. It was for me a revelation. I thought i must be a terrible person because she criticised and anhiolated (sp?) my personality, my looks, my behaviour, my achievements, my values : nothing about me was 'right' . I could always hear 'her' voice on my shoulder criticising me even after i went NC. I found CBT & challenging my negative thoughts really really helpful. I'm not totally vile, other people like me. If she didnt, well thats her problem and a lot of her comments had no basis in fact or reality, they were just cruel jibes aimed to torture me.

Counselling is a bit like starting with a suitcase with loads of stuff just thrown in so that it's messy, doesn't fit, is spilling out of the sides and its hard to keep the lid down.

In counselling, you take out the contents, sort it out, smooth it down, fold it up and put it back in neatly. When you have packed up neatly the lid closes and nothing is spilling over.

The process of getting from the bulging suitcase to the neatly shut one can be long and often feels counter productive but it's important.

The times when counselling doesn't work are often when not long enough is given, some of these 'short cut' services (who are often cheaper than non-timelimited therapy and have shorter waiting lists so seem more attractive) can open up the suitcase but don't have the time to pack everything away again. Whoever it was that said 'some stuff is meant to stay buried' I would respectfully disagree. If it's buried safely then nothing spills out or the thing that is buried doesn't continue to affect us negatively in life now. For someone to be seeking counselling or therapy there are obviously some current issues which reflect previous experiences and the way that our thinking and behaviour is affected by this.

OP, just speak to your counsellor about your experience. It isn't the counselling that has made you have a panic attack, as someone else said, you were feeling emotionally raw and as a result took something to heart more than you usually would - you interpreted something with an emotional rather than logical mind. We all do this sometimes.

I think it's normal to feel things more acutely during a series of counselling sessions, and for emotions to be hightened in between sessions. Just the realization that your mum's critical voice is in your head can be enough to trigger an emotional reaction in yourself when you are out of the session.

The suitcase analogy makes a lot of sense to me. I need to sort this out, or it will negatively colour my life.