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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit disillusioned with First Holy Communion

60 replies

mommy2ash · 12/02/2015 19:01

I live in Ireland and was raised a Catholic, not because of any strong belief from my parents, previous generations yes but my own parents not so much but because here it is just the done thing. the vast majority of schools are Catholic and it is just the unspoken done thing that children are christened and go on to make the their communion and confirmation.

fast forward a few years after i have my own little girl and i start working on issues i have been having and discovered a different way of thinking through shamanism and now feel i am more of a spiritualist than a religious person. all the messages of kindness and personal responsibility i have enjoyed in my religion without any of the church hypocrisy and scandal and also without the many things i have grown to disagree with.

now my dd is in the class in school the children make their communion. its a huge thing here, great expense and takes up the entire school year. i have already decided against the huge expense and am quite pleased i managed to grab some great bargains for her dress and accessories it shouldn't cost me more than 150 all in. everyone else i have talk to have started at 350 for the dress alone without everything else needed.

so tonight i am helping her practice her prayers and it feels so wrong. she has an a4 page to learn and all of them are asking God for forgiveness for her sins and talking about the times she didn't love others or live as Jesus asked her to. she is eight she is innocent good and pure and i am angry with myself for allowing this to be honest. im sure she isn't reading as much into the words as i do but it feels like overkill.

yes i know i could just go to the school and tell her teacher i don't want her to take part but at this stage it would set her apart from everyone else in her class for my own selfish reasons.

i am being unreasonable for following this through when i don't agree with it aren't i?

OP posts:

skylark2 · 12/02/2015 19:03

It's not about whether you agree with it though, is it? It's whether she does.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/02/2015 19:05

Did you not know about Catholic guilt before now?

YABU for having her go along with something so serious for what? Community? Family? Obligation?

ApocalypseThen · 12/02/2015 19:06

Is she excited to do it? Are the prayers etc about forgiveness not more part of the preparation for first confession rather than communion?

Do you feel that the message you are hearing from what she's learning is affecting her?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 12/02/2015 19:11

A difficult one. Your child will feel left out if you don't let her do this and she is surrounded by her friends talking about it etc. You sound like you have given it far more serious thought than those who are focussing on the Mini Bride look and associated expense.

I think I would let her do the communion and decide for herself at Confirmation. I don't believe any seven year old understands transubstantiation.

Original poster

mommy2ash · 12/02/2015 19:14

i agree its not about me its about what she wants. i wouldn't pull her from it, it wouldn't be fair.

i think i was wrong to have started this to begin with but its pretty ingrained here anyway so she would have picked it up in school.

ive never heard of Catholic guilt will have to look that up lol.

Yes she will be making her confession in a few weeks, i just find the wording all a bit much. its great to understand when you do something wrong and all that but she doesn't even know what she is asking for forgiveness for if that makes sense. at one point the print out says tell priest one sin and she was saying that instead of a sin so i had to explain what she had to do. she didn't understand that she is supposed to have sinned she kept saying but i have been good i haven't done anything.

im probably being silly and just having a moment but i thought it was a bit heavy.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/02/2015 19:16

she kept saying but i have been good i haven't done anything I have to say I really dislike organised religion. Really dislike it.

TheDuckSaysMoo · 12/02/2015 19:21

I'm just taking ds through his first confession at the moment. I was really worried it would be lots of guilt inducing activities and prayers. In recent years I've been moving away from some Catholic concepts and I wasn't sure I could support him. It has actually been really good, general morality type stuff. The priest even referred to god as she. Fab!

Original poster

mommy2ash · 12/02/2015 19:23

thats the part that got to me mrsterrypratchett

im all for teaching her right from wrong and saying sorry and taking responsibility but for when she has done something not for the sake of ceremony. i have always greatly disliked the idea of confession anyway, anybody can just sit in the box and say the words that doesn't absolve you. only true understanding and remorse can do that and you don't need a prayer or a priest for that.

OP posts:

TheMoa · 12/02/2015 19:24

Oh boy. You don't have be be in Ireland for this to be looming over you

I'm kind of where you are.

Over here the schools don't do communion prep. so much, its all done in church, so you do get a nice mix of ages and children fron different schools etc. at least.

I'm selling it to myself as part of their culture/history/free tuition.

I believe in something and so do the children. The communion gives them an inroad into the church, with it's history, symbolism, reach.

If they are going to get religion, there's no harm in exposing them to something we have easy access to via their baptism.

They can take my pick n mix approach later on if it suits them .

I teach them to question everything. Themselves, and the things they are taught. At the moment they are very 'Godly'. I fully expect them to question that when they are older, but it's something they can enjoy for now.

Original poster

mommy2ash · 12/02/2015 19:26

thanks for that TheMoa

i think i will just look at it like that. she already practices meditation with me and im sure as she gets older she can make her own mind up. i won't push anything on her. i doubt she is thinking about it the way that i am.

OP posts:

LornMowa · 12/02/2015 19:27

Do you have any other friends with children the same age who feel the same way? Perhaps if there were a group of you who feel uncomfortable about your children doing FHC at that young age you could ask for your children to be excused. Wish I'd been brave enough not to get involved with all that stuff

I'm not clear whether you are still in Ireland but at my kids' catholic school in the UK, there were quite a few children who didn't do FHC but were still involved in the school-based celebrations.

Mrsstevejones · 12/02/2015 19:30

I have a catholic Scottish mum and went to a RC school. I did my first holy communion and all I can remember is the pretty dress and my special day. I have since fallen out of love with religion over the scandals and attitude of the church. Our wedding was a humanist blessing and reg office do, so much more us. The final straw was a RC christening and it was all sins of the father nonsense in ref to a tiny innocent baby. Saying that it never leaves you and I will still give up something for lent. I didn't christen my two. I miss the milestones but not the meaning. Church isn't god for me.

APMom · 12/02/2015 19:30

I'm in Ireland too and have a son making communion, I've had 4 daughters make theirs already and never spent anywhere even near €150 on their clothes but yes some people go a bit mad. My son should be making his Confirmation but has decided not to as he doesn't believe which is fine by me. There are 3 others in his class not making it, two Muslim kids and a 7th day Adventist. He doesn't care about being different at all.

I have plenty of Protestant/Lutheran friends whose kids go to Catholic school and didn't make theirs either, they were not made to feel left out and some went to the church for the ceremony anyway to see their friends and celebrate their day.
Don't be worried about setting her apart, you can still dress her up for the day and let her see her friends. TBH my son probably won't actually take the Communion as he has high functioning autism and is funny about food and new tastes.

friendofsadgirl · 12/02/2015 19:30

My DD is making her first reconciliation (confession in my day). First communion is a year later here. We have also had a workbook home. I do take her to church but don't do confession or communion as not married in the church. I thought long and hard about bringing her up Catholic but decided that I wanted her to understand religion and choose for herself when she was older. I think that the way it is taught in our diocese is more aimed at the right age level than it was when I was at school. The workbook DD has is all about forgiveness, being kind and respectful to others, what it means to be part of a family etc and the religious aspect is used to back up these ideas. It's a lot more relevant to DCs than catechism was!
I think the values your DD and mine are being taught at home are reinforced by the RE they are following at school. If it helps them be kind and respectful, then that's a good thing.

I have heard the mums of the communion children discussing dresses, venues etc. One mum mentioned a dress price higher than I paid for my non religious wedding dress so I agree that all the fuss around it is OTT. DD would be gutted if she didn't do the sacraments with her classmates but I'm not planning to go in for the mini wedding some children seem to have.

I wouldn't wish Catholic guilt on anyone but I really feel that our school at least is a lot more empathetic than the one I attended. I have friends and cousins who were brought up with no religion and many of them still seem to be looking for something to follow as adults. Two have converted to Catholicism. If being brought up Catholic taught me anything, it was religious tolerance and an understanding of other faiths/ beliefs.

Original poster

mommy2ash · 12/02/2015 19:31

nobody else really gives it much thought. its just all for show really. yes im still in ireland. her class isn't at all diverse, every girl is making their communion so to stop her would really make her an outsider.

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 12/02/2015 19:35

It's not about whether you agree with it though, is it? It's whether she does.

I think the opposite of this - religion when you are a child is all about what your parents think, not you. It really is a case of there is no such thing as a religious child, just a child of religious parents.

I think you can let her go through this, but just be honest with her about what you think and believe if she asks you any questions, and let her decide for herself.

Micah · 12/02/2015 19:36

I'm the same. Born and raised Irish Catholic.

My DD did her FHC last year. It's not such a big thing here, and as pp said, done through the church, not the school.

The children basically just went through the "I belong" book, no rotes of things to learn, just weekly lessons and a worksheet.

My own take on religion is the more they know about it the more informed their decision can be later on to follow a faith, or not. If she wants to do FHC, let her, and let it open the door to god/faith/spirituality based discussion.

We regularly discuss our beliefs, other peoples beliefs, what the catholic faith teaches, whether we think it is true, or an interpretation, or a story. Confession I made the point of it being good to discuss issues, and to tell people if something is wrong or you have worries or think you have made a mistake. That confessing to someone (not necessarily a priest) can mean they can help and support you. Also now it's called reconciliation which I think is a better term. You make your mistakes, apologise, make it right :)

x2boys · 12/02/2015 19:57

Hwre y son made his first confession last November and.gets confirmed in may and.makes his communion in June I think ours is the only dioces sp ? In the country to do it this way !

Original poster

mommy2ash · 12/02/2015 19:58

yeah that is unusual x2boys i havent heard of that before.

OP posts:

ApocalypseThen · 12/02/2015 20:18

It's hard to believe that she's done nothing at all! I remember my own confessions at that age - I would confess to losing my temper, fighting with my siblings, telling the little lies that small children tell, taking biscuits when Mam said I couldn't, just stupid things. We were told that sinning was when we didn't act in a way that showed love and I suppose learning that you maybe should examine your concience sometimes isn't a bad thing.

Personally, I always felt free and unburdened of my little wrongs after confession. Wish I still believed any of it!

TheMoa · 12/02/2015 20:20

There does seem to be a move towards mixing up communion/confirmation/reconciliation these days.

I'm happy enough to go along with it, as long as the courses are available /free, and the children are OK to go along.

I think Pope Francis, (when ex-cathdra) is pretty mainstream, and otherwise, is interesting.

I'm happy enough with that for now.

The Church did a great job on me

Waitingonasunnyday · 12/02/2015 20:22

I think as she has you to talk to and balance things, whatever you do will be fine. My DC go on and off with religion. DD's latest prayer is for a ferret so I suspect she will be annoyed when God doesn't deliver one...

TheMoa · 12/02/2015 20:25

Oh, and for first confession, I've told them to think of the times they were cross with their brothers, or didn't tell the whole story.

And the times they took without asking...

They are good kids, but reflection won't harm them at this stage

Original poster

mommy2ash · 12/02/2015 20:31

yeah i have had a little talk with her to explain the things she can talk about at confession. reflection on your own behaviour is already a big thing for me as part of my shamanism so we do that a lot when she has misbehaved, talk about the effects of it and work out why it happened etc. her saying she hasn't done anything was meant she hasn't done anything in her recent memory. also as part of my belief system is letting things go so once we have gone over it its gone plus being eight she isn't prone to have a long memory lol.

i will encourage her to think of a time she could have done something differently and tell her to ask forgiveness for that.

OP posts:

molyholy · 12/02/2015 20:32

I was brought up catholic and didn't question the brainwashing. But I have sent our dd to a non religious school (which has turned out to be not non religious) but now I am older, the thought of little girls dressing up like mini brides and boys like mini grooms, saying they love God and getting gifts of a rosary beads to 'repent'. Pretty fucking wierd. I'm not a fan of organised religion as you can tell

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