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Original poster

To want to be able to talk about my MC a couple of months (or more) later?

17 replies

TheGirlInTheGlass · 12/02/2015 11:06

I had a MC near end of 1st trimester last December.
Same week we had a family death, close friend death, and then whilst I was MCing my relatives baby was born early and did not survive :(
With everything going on I retreated, DH and I dealt with it together, told a couple of people for support (nobody knew as we had only recently found out a and wouldn't have announced until at least 12w) and got through Christmas with the kids and funerals as best we could.

Now things are moving on, we are starting to feel very emotional about our MC, and I brought it up with a few of my friends as something I was upset about. One I told when I visited her at home, she's had a MC before, says there's no time limit on grief, everyone's different, it's ok to be sad, etc.
One I told when we met for a coffee, also has had MC before, gave me a strange look and wondered why I'd want to bring it up now, it's not worth dragging it back up. I was not dragging it up, it's already here, I just want help dealing with it! I guess different people have different coping mechanisms and that's hers. But can't she support mine?
Final one said it was a shame, but at least I wasn't in the same boat as the relatives "who lost an actual baby, can you imagine how much worse it must be for them...?" But that's a whole separate issue, don't even get me started.
So did I miss my chance to publicly grieve? Is there a pre-defined acceptable period for this? Am I being far too sensitive and unreasonable to expect some support this far afterwards, let alone as far as my due date?

OP posts:
DandyHighwayman · 12/02/2015 11:23

I am so sorry.

I don't know why mc is still a taboo, your friend who was dismissive was terribly unkind.

I still think of my lost babies over a decade after. My Dh too. When the pgs were lost my family and friends were meh, whatever, never mind, and I did go on to have a subsequent child but even so. We planted a tree for each, fruit trees.

Have an unmnetty hug.

Hoppinggreen · 12/02/2015 11:27

I'm sorry for your loss.
I lost my baby at 12 weeks almost 11 years ago and there is no " use by" date for grieving. It will always be with you but get easier. As someone once told me - you won't get over it but you do get around it.
I so have to say though that to me my grief is very private and while I would try and support someone who had been through a similar experience to me I would probably find it too painful and would change the subject as soon as I could.
We donate to a children's Hospice every year in my baby's name and they light a candle for him/her at Christmas, I find it helps a bit

Bluepants · 12/02/2015 11:29

You will grieve for a long time IMO. Perhaps steer clear of people who don't understand that.

Rabbishes · 12/02/2015 11:32

Your first friend was right, there is no time limit on it. You had other things going on at the time and now that things are a little.more settled you can begin to sort through your feelings about what happened to you. It's not at all unusual and I've grieved my miscarriages in a similar way, particularly my second when I had an older baby to look after at the same time. You get through the physical bit as best you can and deal with the emotional side when you're ready.

As for losing "an actual baby" being far worse Angry it's not a game of Shitty Top Trumps. When I miscarried I didn't just lose my babies, I lost every hope and dream I had for them. I lost every first smile, every first step, I lost the sleepless nights and the giggles, the first day of school, the little feet and the little voice, all the future memories that should have been ours. I lost my child.

I hope you find your peace with your loss x

Cirsium · 12/02/2015 11:34

So sorry for your losses, you have had a really rough time of it. Flowers I had a MMC discovered at 12 week scan. I eventually miscarried at home and we named and buried the baby even though it was obvious it had died at around 7 weeks. I have just had a lovely daughter but still think about my lost baby too from time to time and wonder what would have been.

I found it difficult to cope with people's dismissiveness over our loss and especially the attitude that we should get over it quickly. I think finding the few who felt as we did and understood really helped.

iammargesimpson · 12/02/2015 11:36

I've had two mc and you have my sympathies. As for your second friend, it sounds like she is just finding it difficult to talk about it, she might have just closed off that part of herself. As a pp said the pain doesn't go away, you somehow learn to live with it. Mine were 12 and 11 years ago and I still have a wee cry now and then for my two lost babies, we planted various rose bushes in our garden as a memorial. After my first mc I contacted a miscarriage support group which really helped me through the worst.

WhereIsMyFurryHat · 12/02/2015 11:42

It is such an annoying taboo. I had a MMC 4 years ago and kept it very quiet at the time due to a few occasions that we're coming up. Only a few work colleagues and our mothers knew. I was the first of my friendship group to have one.

As the time went on, a large amount of our friends found themselves in the same situation so we now all talk about it openly should the need arise.

I found the whole thing quite traumatic at the time but I am at peace with it now. I do wonder about the baby and what caused it etc. That baby was due on my birthday so I think about it around that time.

BarbarianMum · 12/02/2015 11:45

There is no time limit on grief. But miscarriage is sadly common and you may encounter people who do not want to discuss it with you because it brings back difficult feelings of their own - not everyone can be the right audience (that's not exactly the word I want but can't think of it - sorry) for your grief. I am sorry for yor loss and hope you can find the right people to share your feelings with.

Original poster
TheGirlInTheGlass · 12/02/2015 11:53

Fair enough, thank you all. I see how, in my wanting friend 2 to put her feelings aside to support me unselfishly, I was being just as selfish.
I'm genuinely surprised at the replies, I thought this was still massively taboo, and was expecting a kick up the big girl pants to bring me back to reality. Good to know times have changed.
One thing I didn't think to mention was that I'd been told I had no hope of natural conception years ago, so this probably feels like more of a loss because of that, so I've tried not to be over-sensitive in this regard.
PS. I saw friend 3 recently, and they'd seen something on my FB page about my relatives' memorial to their baby. Asked me how they were going now. Not a word about me. I can't believe how much her reaction is affecting me, although I'm not letting on.

OP posts:
newnamefor15 · 12/02/2015 12:38

Hi Op

People deal with this in very different ways, but I'm sorry if any of this has hurt you more. Friend 1 sounds like someone you could talk to. Friend 2, perhaps she finds the topic too close to home and difficult to talk about. Friend 3 is an idiot but I'm ashamed to say I said something incredibly stupid to a friend who'd had a miscarriage when I was younger and had no children myself and didn't really understand. I wouldn't say it now. I had no idea I was being hurtful, but I'm sure I was.

Rosieliveson · 12/02/2015 13:16

Hi OP, I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost a baby very early and some people just didn't understand my grief. I got a lot of "at least it wasn't a real baby yet" etc etc.
However, whilst I was in hospital, I was invited to a service for all lost babies. The nurse said "no one else's loss can minimise yours"
I think of this often when people are dismissive. I hope it can help you Flowers

slithytove · 12/02/2015 14:01

I might have a broken leg which is far worse than your broken finger.

But my leg being broken doesn't make your finger hurt any less.

Pain is pain and loss is loss.

Grieve as long as you need. Have you tried sands? They are very supportive for baby loss x

AmberLav · 12/02/2015 14:16

It may be that friend 2 has compartmentalised her feelings to stop the hurt, so she can't cope talking about it, as it would let the feeling out of the box.

And people who haven't gone through losses don't know what it feels like to lose those dreams... We have a rose bush in the garden for our little lost one...

But there are people in life that you talk to about sad things, and there are people who you have to keep everything light - talk to friend 1 about things like this...

ShelaghTurner · 12/02/2015 16:04

I'm sorry for your loss TheGirlInTheGlass Flowers

No time limit. I had a MMC at 12 week scan 4 years ago and it's still there. Anniversary was at the end of last month and I found it very hard. We only told a couple of people too and I never got the chance to talk about it, the few people who knew were very dismissive and would be even more so since we conceived again fairly quickly afterwards and now have DD2. But she isn't that baby and it's that baby I lost.

I totally agree that there are friends who you know will be sympathetic and friends you know won't understand why you're still upset. It's not worth trying to talk to the latter. I have a fabulous friend that I met since my MC but who I've spoken to at length about it and it's made such a difference to be listened to.

PtolemysNeedle · 12/02/2015 16:35

People just don't like talking about difficult things, it seems to make them feel awkward because they don't know what to say. They don't seem to realise that you don't need anything from them except acknowledgement that something horrible has happened to you and you're upset about it.

Since I lost my DH, I've lost count of the number of awkward silences I've created when I've either talked about him, or my widowhood, but I try to remember that the people I've done that to are good, kind people, they just don't know how to react. I was probably the same before.

You need to find people, maybe on here or through a support group, that can understand how you feel because they have felt the same pain. That won't include everyone that's lost a baby, because everyone's different, but it does help to be on the receiving end of some real empathy.

I hope you can find that, and I'm so sorry that you have to feel like this.

ineedabodytransplant · 12/02/2015 16:51

My ex-wife and I went through two miscarriages over 30 years ago.

It still hurts now. I haven't spoken to anyone apart from my ex about our lost babies. We had names for them and used to imagine how they would grow up. We did go on to have two beautiful girls and we have one grandson and another due in the next two weeks.

But there is still a 'hole' there

You can grieve for as long as you want or need to, unfortunately other people may not feel your pain as much as you do. As others have said, there is no time limit.

I wish you all the best and post here if it will help in anyway, however small

Original poster
TheGirlInTheGlass · 12/02/2015 18:22

Thank you all very much for your input - I spend so much of my life these days on a 'live and let live' that it takes me by surprise when this suddenly get to me. I guess some things always cut deep.
And I'm normally the first to explain to people how you have different friends for different things... I should maybe remember those lessons for myself!
I hope that you all find someone to talk to should you need it, it's obvious there's still a lot of pain here Sad

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