My sons Gran has been consulting child psychologist AIBU?

[Weathergames]

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off?

Am stewing a bit. 12 yr old DS2 (my DC3) has assessment with paediatrician tomorrow for ASD (Aspergers I suspect although I know is all ASD now).

His gran is in the medical profession. I split with his dad when PG but all relations very friendly all his dad's family very involved in his life.

None of his or my family really supported me in wanting the assessment but I have pushed for 2 yrs to get to this point with the support of his dad (although am not sure he feels as strongly as me).

I work with kids some of whom are on the spectrum - I am certain about DS2 and I have specific reasons for wanting the diagnosis (extra time for exams which he struggles with although he's very bright).

DS2s Gran has been very anti assessment as concerned about him being "labelled" I have made it quite clear it's a private thing between us the family (I include her and DS2 dad in that).

His dad is remarried and has had marital problems and another son and I have had 3 long term relationships since DS2 was born, one of which I am still in and DS2 has 3 step siblings (who don't live here).

Tonight (weirdly) she stopped by, and I told her his assessment is tomorrow.

She then produced a load of pictures she has taken of DS2 over the last 18 mnths to show the "change" in him and "how hollow his eyes look" and told me she has taken them and shown them to a child psychologist colleague to ask her opinion as he's had quite a "troubled" life - presumeably airing all mine and his dad's dirty laundry - then launched into a lecture about ASD and what the traits are (yes thanks I know) and how worried she has been about him after being totally anti assessment for the last 2 yrs.

AIBU to feel pretty fucking pissed off she has almost gone off and got her own opinion from a professional about mine and his dads child without checking this is ok with us?!

Tricky one. YANBU to feel hurt, especially as it sounds as though she hasn't been supportive or open to what you think is best as DS2 mother.

On the other hand, we are talking about the wellbeing of a child, and she has talked with a colleague rather than having him formally seen (which wouldn't be right). As a DGP, she has her own love and concern for him, and cannot be expected to live in a vacuum.

Putting aside any antipathy between you, is she trying to help, really?

There is history of her being very pushy.

She is from a culture where the GPS bring up the grandchildren.

I went NC for a while (she still saw DS2) after she pressured me to give him their surname when he was born which ended in me getting PND (she was a community midwife at the time). He has my surname.

I stopped NC when her DH left her and I was worried she was suicidal. I started inviting her on family outings etc (I was single at the time so just me and the kids).

Good for you for standing your ground. You are DS's mother, there's nothing you can do about that. I have a pushy MIL. The times I find her hardest to deal with are when I feel like a crap mother or wife (pretty often then) and she is, as best I can work out, pushing the buttons of my insecurity. I mean, she's a nightmare. And your MIL sounds like one too. But the question is, why do they get to us so much? When I imagine MIL's self satisfied bossiness coming out of someone else's mouth, it would be much easier to construe in a positive light.

Sorry, I'm waffling and probably not being very helpful. Try to untangle your concern for DS and any fears you have about that, from your competitiveness with this woman. Which I can well believe she has inflicted on you. But you have to let it be water off a duck's back, or you will go MAD.

She is not and never was my MIL

I agree with rootypig

My dd and dgd live with me. The other day my dd asked me if I felt as protective of dgd as I did of her. The thing is I do feel protective of her but there are so many things I can't protect her from because it is all out of my hands.

No two adults are going to have exactly the same opinion about what is good for a child

- sorry, just meant shorthand for partner's mother I suppose.

Just ignore her - this really is the most emotionally sophisticated strategy I've come up with over the years. Find the mental equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and singing tra la la when she's winding you up. But do also try to stay open to her role as DGM - she might be a dreadful bossy cow but it sounds as though she loves DS2 and as I try to remind myself, the more people that love a child the better. Right?

I often chat to my friends about my dgs. Some of them have qualifications in education or medicine. I don't see it as consulting them, but if they say something I think it would be useful to share with dd or ddil, I do.

I don't see anything wrong in what your ds' gm has done on that account, but I can see how annoying it must be to have her totally change her opinion without acknowledging it and behave like a know-all. I don't think I could have resisted pointing that out to her.

But try not to get side-tracked, as rooty said. At least you are now on the same page.

Hope the assessment goes well.

She sounds annoying but also like a potentially powerful ally. If it's taken 2 years to get to the point of getting an assessment but she has psychologist friends willing to vouch for your son and his need for additional assistance, that sounds... fantastic! Seriously, rinse all her contacts asap.

So she spoke to a colleague about her concerns about her grandson? I'm not sure that's that terrible really. I thought you were going to say she'd taken your son to a psychiatrist behind your back. She does sound a bit weird with the hollow eye thing. Surely that's more indicative of diet and tiredness than psychiatric conditions? She sounds a bit bullish on her visit to you but it also sounds as though she had genuine concern as her reasoning.

God no I could never queue jump.

When PG with DS2 she wanted to deliver him, luckily his dad said no way. She then wanted to get me private room for hosp birth but I said no way as I was having him at home anyway. I know DS2 step mum did have private room when she had her DS.

She phoned the my midwife while I was PG who gave her medical info about me she didn't know (I complained and she was sacked).

Just to add if your ds does get a formal diagnosis then, by law,he will have to include this on any and all applications he may make in later life (job/ college.) Sometimes the label makes things more difficult.

Just to add if your ds does get a formal diagnosis then, by law,he will have to include this on any and all applications he may make in later life (job/ college.) Sometimes the label makes things more difficult.

Huh? Who told you that? I've never heard any such thing.

I think this needs clarifying: you absolutely do NOT have to disclose any diagnosis at any stage - it would be grossly discriminatory to have any such expectation. I just checked because I could not believe that was right, and it isn't. You don't have to disclose unless the disabled person wants to. What you can't do is not declare and then expect reasonable adjustments to be made, because people need to know to adjust. But that isn't the same thing at all.

I have a sibling and child with ASD btw. Both formally diagnosed. My son is very high-functioning and his difficulties are masked unless he is under a lot of stress and pressure, and frankly he'd be daft to disclose unless a lot changes in terms of his presentation before he is an adult, because people are bigoted about autism and will assume he lacks empathy (he doesn't) doesn't care about friendships (he does) and will completely lack tact (sometimes, to an extent, but huge kindness compensates and then some). My brother, on the other hand, has benefited from disclosure as he needs adjustments, as his late diagnosis meant he never had the early intervention that can make so much difference.

Disclosure is to benefit the person with a disability. It isn't a millstone around their neck. And I had this "labelling" bollocks from my MIL, who made the whole thing far worse for DH (and therefore actually DS, too) by promulgating the notion that nobody should assess him so he should grow out of it. He's doing massively better because diagnosis has unlocked help. It has been nothing but positive for us. But I wouldn't advise all people on the spectrum disclosed at employment level, because it could seriously impact their chances of getting a job.

OP, I'd be pissed off in the extreme as she's stomping all over boundaries here. But she can't actually get him assessed without your sayso, and frankly I'm staggered any psychologist was willing to offer any sort of a view based on a GM's version, without meeting with either the child or the parents. I'd be fuming as well but under the circs I guess you have bigger fish to fry?

sleepineday thanks your post is really helpful.

It is totally unacceptable for your ex mil to do this ... end of.