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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told my DH I am not seeing his sister anymore

20 replies

han3459 · 10/02/2015 16:48

Hi all!

I have posted before about the continuous arguments between myself and my SIL regarding our DDs. I have 3 DDs- 19 & 16 (from a previous relationship) and 12 (with my current DH). It's with my youngest that the arguments center around as SIL has a DD the same age.

We could not be more different in terms of parenting styles. While I admit I am probably much more relaxed than a lot of parents, SIL is the complete opposite and extremely strict with DN. Common rows include letting my DD wear make up, the clothes she wears, having her ears pierced, letting her go to town on her own, and also eating with her knife and work in the opposite way route to what is 'traditional' (caused quite a stir on here last time) etc etc.

DN has noticed my DD is allowed to do things she is not and so does use this to moan at SIL. SIL often accuses me of undermining her parenting and often criticizes me and DD in front of us which has upset my DD. Whenever we see them there's atmosphere and relations between us are just getting worse. SIL always seem to find fault with either something me or my DD are doing.

A couple of weeks ago was another example. DD and DN attend the same secondary school and so have a similar circle of friends. They were both invited to a birthday party which involved the cinema, shopping and then a sleepover at the girls house on a Saturday. They were both invited to this about 3 weeks before the event and both confirmed they were going.

However, on the Tuesday of that week DMIL rang to say she was organizing a family get together on the Saturday. DD1 is at Uni, DD2 was with her dad and I explained that DD and DN had been invited to a party and so probably wouldn't be there. DMIL was fine with this as it was a last minute arrangement.

Fast forward to the Saturday and DH and I arrived at the party after dropping DD at the cinema to find DN there with SIL. Had barely got through the door before DN asked was where DD was. I explained she had gone to the party which caused DN to get upset. It turned out DN had not been allowed to go to the party as SIL had told her family is more important. Whilst I obviously agree with family being important, we do see them regularly and thought it would be rude for DD to suddenly say she wasn't going to the party. Plus she was really looking forward to it. SIL cuts in and says to DN- 'auntie Han clearly doesn't think family is important as we do'

This then turned into yet another row and DH and I ended up leaving. I am literally at the end of my tether with her constant snide remarks and criticism of me. DH does agree with me on most things but tries to keep the peace. I have told him I am no longer putting up with it. I will be civil to her on family occasions but I am done with having her in my house being rude to me and DD all the time. I feel sorry for the girls in all this but she is obviously refusing to change.

AIBU???

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 10/02/2015 16:51

YANBU
I remember your threads. I wonder why she feels YOU have to do as she does, as well as her DD? Different families have different rules, it is not that hard to explain or understand.

SoonToBeMrsB · 10/02/2015 16:52

Urgh, YANBU. She sounds like really hard work and I would remove myself from her dramas just for an easy life!

Bair · 10/02/2015 16:54

I wouldn't see her either.

You shouldn't have to change your parenting to suit hers. FWIW in terms of the party I think you did the right thing, family or not, sticking to the invitation you have already accepted is good manners.

YANBU.

farewellfigure · 10/02/2015 16:54

I remember a post of yours from a while back and I'm sorry things have got no better. I think you have done well to stick it out this long. The comment she made is really rude.

Have you ever asked her why she does it? Have you sat down and had it out with her? I know that's really hard to do, but why on earth is she being so horrible?

If that fails, I would consider that 'being civil' at family occasions is more than she deserves! I certainly wouldn't have her in my house. Can you have DN over without SIL in tow, as it would be a shame if the girls fell out just because she is such a rude person.

HumphreyCobbler · 10/02/2015 16:55

Does your SIL dictate to everyone else, or just you and your DD?

farewellfigure · 10/02/2015 16:55

Oh yes, YANBU. Stick with the original invite!

comeagainforbigfudge · 10/02/2015 16:57

Oh dear lordy YADNBU.

I don't even know what to say...... I'm actually gobsmacked!

unhelpful post, sorry

foslady · 10/02/2015 16:57

You've lasted longer with her without going nc than I would have!

YANBU

RabidFairy · 10/02/2015 17:00

YANBU. your SIL sounds like a nightmare.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 10/02/2015 17:00

YANBU.

I remember one of your previous threads, you've done well not to smack her one by now.

I'd have responded "clearly you don't think good manners when it comes to party invitations, are as important as we do", smiled sweetly, poured myself a large wine and refused to engage with her any further for the rest of the night.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 10/02/2015 17:00

I would just go out of my way to stay out of her way.. I wouldn't mention it to anyone, but that's just me.

I would probably have retorted that 'Well, MIL has no problem with DD having prior arrangements.' And walk off.

You know she is being unreasonable. Just don't react, or do so as calmly as possible. It will probably drive her crazy. And walk away once you have responded. You do NOT have to listen to her.

bettyboop1970 · 10/02/2015 17:02

YANBU tell her to piss off

waithorse · 10/02/2015 17:04

I remember your previous threads. YANBU.

uglyswan · 10/02/2015 17:08

YADNBU, OP. Unless your SIL lives on a deserted island somewhere and your DD is your DN's only contact with girls her age, then she is bound to meet other girls whose parents allow them to more or less stuff than her. What does your SIL say about that? Your girls are both old enough to have your respective parenting choices explained to them (and not in the "I don't want you to grow up a slag like your cousin" fashion, but more "I'd rather you waited until you you're fifteen before you start wearing makeup and concentrated on your maths/pony club/martial arts or whatever first). If this was a new conflict, I'd suggest you might sit down with your SIL and agree on a rule compromise for both your daughters at family get-togethers; a little more lenience here, a little more rigorousness there, but it's not a new conflict and you already hate each other. In future, I would just repeat "Our parenting choices are up not for discussion at this point" and cut her off immediately. Change the subject. Get up and make a cup of tea. Wrt your DH - presumably these are his choices too? And he won't defend them, or you, or your DD in front of his DSis? Oh dear...

AmantesSuntAmentes · 10/02/2015 17:10

YANBU! I wouldn't attend family functions, given she uses these as a platform, tbh. What an utter twonk!

getdownshep · 10/02/2015 17:17

Both my sils were like this. If it wasn't their way it wasn't the right way iyswim.
I went nc with dhs family many years ago, my dds don't have any contact with their cousins which is a shame but their relationship was affected by negative/pa comments which I wasn't prepared to put up with.
Dh agreed which made things a lot easier.
Put your dd first op , why should you have to justify your life to this woman

MyballsareSandy · 10/02/2015 17:17

She's raving and you are absolutely right to cut contact. Although would this be tricky with the girls at the same secondary school?

cathpip · 10/02/2015 17:21

Yanbu, you never criticise other peoples parenting styles even if you disagree with them, it's just rude. Mind you I foresee major arguments between your sil and her dd in the not to distant future!

Whereisegg · 10/02/2015 17:29

Yanbu, I am also quite laid back with dd11, but have no problem saying no to things either.
I think you've lasted longer than I would have without smacking her before gracefully backing away.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 10/02/2015 18:01

Id cut contact purely because I could no longer be arsed to listen to it all. She seems so exhausting. The only concern is would she still allow a friendship / relationship between her DD and you and your DD?

I really would need to say something to her. Mainly "fuck off" but id attempt to put that into a constructive sentence.

I feel so sorry for her DD that she wasn't allowed to go to the party

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