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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I shouldn't be spoken to with such disrespect

24 replies

Babyleopard23 · 08/02/2015 13:26

DH & I are both ill with the same virus (cough/bad head/ears/throat etc) and have been for a couple of days.
We have a 6 week old DS who had also caught it and has only been sleeping during the day so I moved with DS in to the nursery (he normally sleeps in our room) as I'm BF anyway so I thought at least one of us would get some decent rest.

We live abroad currently and my DM & DGM are coming tonight to visit for a week, DH due to pick them up from the airport. He starts complaining at lunchtime that he cannot be in light as his eyes are so bad and reminding me that this illness is affecting him more (after so little sleep and being drained from BF and looking after our amazing little boy who is also ill I beg to differ) and he's so tired etc etc. So I suggest that as he is so ill that he doesn't drive and instead they get a taxi which would be no problem and not that expensive. As a response I get (shouted): "oh fuck off", "your making my head worse by starting at me" and again "just fuck off". Which obviously left me

20 minutes later after I'd sat there getting angrier and angrier he pretends nothing has happened and asks me why I look sad when he tries to cuddle me! I'm pretty sure if I was supposed to pick up his DM & DGM he wouldn't let me drive when I couldn't stand to be in the light. Plus he's already said there is no way I'm driving even though he says he is more ill...

Now he's completely baffled why I'm avoiding him and I know as soon as I say something it will either be fine and he will apologise profusely for upsetting me and not realising or he will continue to argue and say he's in the right.

Even if I'm the worlds most annoying wife AIBU to think I never deserve to be spoken to and sworn at like that? and to sit by myself with DS having cuddles whilst he continues to tidy the house

OP posts:

Icimoi · 08/02/2015 13:29

Of course YANBU. But you need to ask him what on earth he was doing talking to you like that when you were very clearly not "starting at" him, and make it equally clear that it is not to happen again.

Haggisfish · 08/02/2015 13:29

Is it your first child! Dh and I have never argued and snapped at each other as much as we did for the first twelve months. We told each other to fuck off quite regularly, despite never doing so for our first seven years together! No, you shouldn't have been spoken to like that but if just point this out later, accept/demand an apology and move on. Unless it is part of a bigger pattern of horrible behaviour, of course.

LadyLuck10 · 08/02/2015 13:29

Yanbu, it's the biggest put off when u hear people speaking that way in general but absolutely disgusting when your partner speaks that way. Does he think you are a piece of filth to speak to you that way. I would be furious. It doesn't matter what the reason is.

Original poster

Babyleopard23 · 08/02/2015 13:36

Haggis yes it's our first DC and we never normally snap at each other at all but have done once a few weeks ago too when we both actually told each other to fuck off but both apologised straight away as it was just because we were so tired.
I know today is a combination of tiredness and being ill but I've managed to be nice to him and not snappy so why should I take it.
Glad my DM & DGM are on their way so it doesn't ruin my day.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 08/02/2015 13:43

Yanbu at all, what nasty things to say to you, instead of the silent treatment, tell him exactly what he said to you and how it made you feel.

MrsTawdry · 08/02/2015 13:49

These first months are often terrible and from my own experience the worst thing is the complete rudeness which knackerdness can sometimes invite. I'm not making excuses for him but if he's normally kind and nice, he's just suffering and so are you.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 08/02/2015 13:53

I read your OP about 10 times trying to understand his reaction.

He said he is ill and can't drive
You said ok, they can get a taxi then
he yelled fuck off and that you were having a go at him

[boggle]

how on EARTH did he get having a go at him from you saying they can get a taxi.

I do not understand his logic.

Like I say, I read your OP loads of times just to make sure I was reading it correctly

It makes no sense! How on earth is you saying it's fine, they can just come by taxi - 'starting at him'?

You absolutely have to ask him! You really do. How is saying it's ok, they can get a cab, having a go at him?

Unless you said it in a very passive aggressive or sarcastic way? oh no, you rest, don't put yourself out at all, they'll just have to struggle with 20 suitcases in a taxi, but as long as you don't have to do anything while you're ill...

Enjoy your time with your parents and tell him he was a prat for seeing some sort of attack in a suggestion they get a bloody taxi.

angeleyes72 · 08/02/2015 13:58

your suggestion was kind and sensible. You certainly weren't having a go. It is not acceptable to speak to you like this. yanbu

Original poster

Babyleopard23 · 08/02/2015 13:58

HowCan- I understand your confusion! I promise there is no hidden back story to this either it genuinely happened that way! I thought I was helping...
I got the feeling he thought I was going on at him and apparently he's had some tablets that are going to make him better so I shouldn't have even suggested that he doesn't go

OP posts:

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 08/02/2015 14:25

You must have been sat there like this

To think I shouldn't be spoken to with such disrespect

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 08/02/2015 14:31

BEng tired and sick can make people irritable. It's bizarre though that he spoke like this to you and then had no concept of WHY you'd be upset. I could forgive a momentary bit of acting like an arse, if it was out of character and if there were genuine apologies afterwards.

Branleuse · 08/02/2015 14:41

youre both ill, youre both stressed,youre both tired. He was unreasonable.

I hope the visit goes well and your parents give you a bit of respite and you can catch up on sleep or something x

Original poster

Babyleopard23 · 08/02/2015 15:27

HowCan I literally was.
I admit after the first "fuck off" I sort of did a "WTF is going on" laugh which kind of made him more angry but I didn't know how to react!

He is generally kind, generous and loving and not normally so rude but does have a short temper which has a lot to do with the job he does. But we have a great relationship just incase anyone is concerned

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 08/02/2015 19:48

Oh you poor things, there is nothing worse than looking after a sick baby when you are sick yourself.

Yarp · 08/02/2015 19:51

Whatever the circumstances, this is unnaceptable.

The fact that you would predict he would not understand this , or apologise, makes me think he's done this sort of thing before.

Which is worrying

Yarp · 08/02/2015 19:52

Ok, I take your word for it.

I don't think I could accept being shouted and sworn at.

MoanCollins · 08/02/2015 19:57

Sorry, he doesn't appear to remember what happened? He is ill, he's behaving out of character and appears to have no memory of his behaviour? I'd take him straight to A&E. Ask if he remembers swearing at you. I'd be really worried TBH.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/02/2015 20:25

I would HAVE to talk to him, to ask if he remembered shouting 'fuck off' at me.
If he remembered - why did he not apologise?
If he didn't remember -what MoanCollins said.

MoanCollins · 08/02/2015 21:48

OP any update? I'm just a bit worried because if he can't remember fear of bright lights and memory loss are things that need checking.

Original poster

Babyleopard23 · 08/02/2015 22:07

I apologise for maybe giving you the wrong idea, it's not that he forgot but that he had no idea that what he said would have upset me so he didn't understand why I was angry!
He is a medic so he generally knows when he needs to see someone but he is a massive drama queen when he's ill.

OP posts:

whatisforteamum · 09/02/2015 08:51

Op my DH does this...maybe it is how men speak to each other but i hate it.Anyone who swears at me instantly loses my respect or co operation.
If i am ill i tell people i may snap at them but wouldnt resort to swearing at someone.You have my sympathies.Get well soon :)

Meloria · 09/02/2015 09:06

You certainly don't deserve what you got, but are you sure you said "fine they can come in a taxi" in a neutral tone? It could have sounded very harsh to your husband and taken with both parties' tiredness and his sore head from the light it just escalated.

Xmasmarket · 09/02/2015 09:20

You're six weeks into being new parents and both ill. That's about as rubbish as it gets. I'd just write it off.

geekymommy · 09/02/2015 13:44

He was certainly being very unreasonable. It's not safe to drive when you are feeling too sick or tired to do so safely. It really isn't. My dad fell asleep at the wheel because he was driving when he was too tired to drive (totaled his car, but fortunately no one was hurt).

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