To be depressed abut many threads on here are to do with housework

[Claybury]

It's so depressing how many women on here including me feel they do more than their share.
I feel I do way more than my share, as although I am a SAHM my DH no longer works full time and my teenagers have somehow always managed to get out of doing chores.
If i moan to DH he just gets annoyed with me, for example just now he walked muddy boots through the house, and when I complained he just said it wouldn't take long to hoover it up.
From now on I'm going to have to get tough, but they will all hate me for it.
It's tricky when one partner has a much higher level of tolerance for mess though isn't it ?

I suffer from depression, have since childhood.

And I couldn't give a shit what word the OP used. Why do MN users get so wound up about the words used and go off on a bloody tangent instead of just discussing the issue the OP brought up. Bloody Semantic obsessed.

Grab a dictionary if you give such a damn, it can mean general sadness, not just a medical term for someone.

Anyway OP - YANBU. Housework brings up so many problems with their partners and children, everyone should chip in and they rarely do. Get harsh with them :)

OP, what would your family do if you said you'd invited a few family friends round for an impromptu gathering at yours? And then sat on your bum doing no housework yourself? Would the rest of them be shamed into doing it? Or would they genuinely not be bothered how the house looks to others?

If it's the latter, I feel that you have 2 choices - lower your own standards and do less, or keep your own standards and keep on doing most of it.

If they all rush round panicking saying "oh my god, we've only got an hour before they all turn up!" Then you know that their standards are equally high but they just let you do it all up to now because you've enabled it. Don't let them get away with it. Let them go to their undies/knicker drawer and be unable to find a clean pair. Start washing up only the dishes you've used. Claim a corner of the living room as yours and only clean and tidy that bit. Only shop for food for yourself. Obviously that's all extreme but if the problem is that bad that you are doig all that stuff yourself, then only YOU can stop doing it.

Re the semantics: can we leave lem alone? It's clear that she's depressed at the moment and just seeing negatives. So need for loads of other people to pick fault in her post really, once someone had made the point.

It was one of my main reasons to stop work, used to end up like this....I worked part time which really by the time I was done might of well of been full time. DH said I will help you with chores .... So I would do mine, would ask DH to do his he would say it didnt need doing yet and I was bonkers for cleaning so much...it was his home too and it was fine. TBH it is easier to stay home and do it myself. Teenagers tidy up communal areas if they make a mess, they can do what they want in their own rooms I keep doors shut and just never look in except to recover plates when we run out :) everyone happy apart from dh who would love me to return to work, but that is just the problem DH always seem to get up and go to work and come home where at DW always seem to have to clean sort kids childcare and then eventually go to work not to mention cook and plan meals too, so much for equality. There is a lot to be said for being a good old fashioned housewife, especially a nod in the afternoon sun :)

How does it get to this point though?

On the assumption most people don't get pregnant a month after their first date and then move in/marry without knowing the person, surely there must be some clues as to whether you're shacking up with a lazy arse before it gets to this point?

Do they leave the toilet seat up, not change the loo roll, leave their cups lying around for you to take out, their dirty undies on the floor next to the bed etc? If they do those kind of things from word go, why would they change?

I don't think I'm wording this very well and I'm not intending to be critical, but I'm always surprised when people I know say things like "oh it's been hard since we had the children" and I think "well your OH was always a selfish arse so it's surely no surprise?"

Agree with Youll (second time today, am I following you around on the threads ).

I think a lot of women (maybe some men) start off by 'enjoying' the housework and care of the home so the other partner gets 'used' to not doing much ......... surely no one changes over night?

Both my DH and I owned and looked after our own homes before we married, there is no way I would have put up with someone who didn't know how to operate a washing machine or clean a toilet just because I 'was in love'.

I now do more than 'half' the housework but my DH does a lot more than me in terms of earning money, looking after the car/garden/our DS etc. I have tons more leisure time than he does so doing a bit of ironing whilst he watches the rugby really doesn't bother me.

Also the Op says 'her family might hate her for nagging about the housework' - that's her problem - who cares if they 'hate' you about getting them to do their fair share of the housework. I am sure my teenage son 'hates' me at times but I don't want him to end up as the sort of partner that gets moaned about on mumsnet. .

I think the problem sometimes happens when one parent stays at home full time when the kids are little. Housework is divided so that the person at home does more than the person at work (not necessarily ALL of it, but more - because they are there at home to put a load of laundry or go to the supermarket etc)

Kids get older, SAHP goes back to work of some description, hours gradually creep up so they're more or less working full time but the parent who was the only one working originally are struck in their habit and it's hard to break it.

This has happened to me. I have increased my hours at work a fair bit in the last couple of years. I recently had to have words with DH when he moaned at having to go and pick our sick child up from school in the middle of his working day. I reminded him that I was also in the middle of MY working day and it was difficult for me to leave too but he had had quite a few years of NEVER having had to leave work because I was at home and it was about time he did his share of stuff like that now when the need arose.

Ragwort Sun
Agree with Youll (second time today, am I following you around on the threads)

Bad day to do that - my tolerance seems very low today and I think I may have posted my harshest responses ever today!

Youll - good, I like harsh responses, we need robust comments on Mumsnet .

Youll I started a thread with that very premise ages ago.

The answer was that 'love was blind'.

Personally I would never have married not have I ever lived with a man who could not cook, sew on a button, clean, iron etc. It's not some bloody female arcane skill - it's a life skill.

And people who don't get their children doing their fair share, from an early age, are just perpetuating thing.

although I am a SAHM my DH no longer works full time and my teenagers have somehow always managed to get out of doing chores.

Well theres your answer eh? Stop raising the next generation to be utterly ignorant of running a household!!!

Maybe if your DHs mother had done the same you wouldn't have anything to moan about.

This was the thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1678997-Lazy-DHs-Why-did-you-marry-them?pg=1

(It was the first thread I'd ever started and in AIBU - I was scared!)

*Depressed:

sad and gloomy; dejected; downcast.*

Sorry but its not always a bloody medical condition, it's also an adjective.

I have suffered with depression since my teens, i don't care if op used thd word in this context. Chill pill people.

Op, how do your dteebs get out of housework? Despite my teen being at a super selective grammar school stealthbragg hence lots of homework/travel and a full on hobby she does her bit!

Oh im not moaning I am sooo happy to stay at home and do chores and wait on dh hand an foot much easier than working an squabbling about household crap. I love staying at home looking after family. My parents waited on me hand an foot both mum and dad and I do the same for mine children are for loving and spoiling they are only yours for a short time. My ds and eldest dd now grown up and left home and they are two of the kindest most thoughtful people ii know.

I find my dh is much more careful about the amount of mess he makes when he is the one who last did the tidying up. I guess it brings the realisation that tidying is tedious and time consuming whereas it takes no time at all to make a mess.

My dh does lots to be fair and always has. I couldn't be having it any other way.

My DH and I are old. We do what we can when we can.
It is true that my DH has never done things like dusting/hoovering/mopping.
But he provides for me and puts the bins out. He also likes ironing. I mean - actually likes it so all my bedding and clothes are lovely.
I do most of things but he does the jobs that I really want doing.
I make all the meals. If I didn't he would be malnourished

magimedi

"Personally I would never have married nor have I ever lived with a man who could not cook, sew on a button, clean, iron etc. It's not some bloody female arcane skill - it's a life skill."

^ This.

OP stop doing things for your DH and children until they get the message - cooking, shopping, washing, ironing, paying for school trips etc.