DS working two 12 hour shifts?

[Fatstacks]

DS is 18 and firmly of the xbox generation.

He IS fairly bright but incredibly lazy.
He was forecast A in maths and sciences in gcse but scraped C and just got into six form.
Then got dropped from 6 form no homework done missing lessons etc.

So now he is on a college course for three days per week.
His choice of college an hour away.

We want him to realise what he is doing and he needs to learn work so we insist he gets a job
First job at bakery he liked because it was small and had people to talk to.
He lost that when he turned 18 because his min wage went up and they couldn't afford him.
Plus he had to be told about working faster.

Cue lots of email agency applications resulting in 0 jobs so we rang a local factory.
We got him on the interview, dropped him off he aced the tests so they offered him work.

Now the problem starts because he decided he was only working 12 hours I.e. 1 shift because it's crap production line work and there is only one old guy who speaks english out of 40 on the shift.
We want him to do 2 days work 3 days college and 2 days free time.

Sorry for the epic post didn't want to drip feed but the q is..

AIBU to insist he works 2 days and to withdraw his luxury and stop him having gf over if he doesn't?

He's 18! Of course he has to work!

He should be paying for accomadation/ food/ life!

At 18 many people have own children, whilst running own home, with university and part time job.

I don't think you are being unfair at all!

He needs to be financing his own "luxuries".

I wouldn't go as far as stopping him seeing his girlfriend though - unless you mean her staying overnight in his room? That's your call obviously as everyone has a different viewpoint about that!

And doing a production line job that he obviously isn't enjoying might make him wise up.

Some people have no choice but to work jobs like that so hopefully he isn't being sniffy about it.

He is 18, an adult. Surely it's his choice how much he works? Provided he is paying enough towards digs and bills then its up to him if he changes his working pattern and has less pocket money?

I wouldn't subsidise anything that he has to give up through choosing to work less and reduce his wage but I don't think his working hours are your decision to make.

Is his college course full time? I.e lectures on 3 days then expected to self study the other 2 days? If so then yes yabu. And actually 12 hours a week is a lot of hours for a student to put in for paid work on top of studying.
I know I worked around 8 hours a week in my degree and that was difficult to manage with studying and I only had about 8 hours per week lecture time.

You're doing the right thing. It would be different he was studying full time. At 18 he should be doing something full time.

He doesn't mind the work he's bothered that he can't socialise while he works

It is a boring job, I cleaned bogs when he was small to pay for our holidays.
Jobs are boring and that one is tedious and long shifts, hence it attracts migrant workers.

I don't have any sympathy because he wasted his chances by truanting his extra lessons to sit at his pals playing xbox.

I don't take any board from him, I buy his toiletries and clothes because he would just be a stinky ragbag, he spends money only on games

Girlfriend comes around and they sit in his room, like we are a travelodge with food.

BUT
He is 18 can we insist how many days he works or do we suck it up and let him be a lazy bum?

YANBU.

If the job is so miserable he should try and find an alternative job.

YANBU in that you want him to work. I worked in a supermarket on Saturdays from the age of 15 (took my Sister's job when she went to Uni), worked all through Uni in M & S, 14-18 hours a week in term time (2 late nights and a Saturday).

12 hours is a fairly long shift though and probably wouldn't leave much mental energy for learning afterwards on those days so I agree with others that depending on how much coursework he has to do at home depends on whether 1 or 2 shifts is reasonable.

I think it is perfectly normal to have these struggles btw.

I'm tempted to say let him be a Stinky ragbag then but you would have to endure it!

The girlfriend might beat a hasty retreat though...

No you cannot insist how many days he works but you can stop making life so easy for him.
Stop letting him treat your house like a hotel. Let him buy his own clothes and toiletries. Stop doing his laundry.
He might just be immature and this could be the wake up call he needs.
It is difficult (l know as l am going through something similar with DD) but you have to stick to it and bite your tongue.

Eh yanbu

When I did my nurse training placements it was full time hours (including night's), studied, wrote essays etc and still managed to work part time.

It was hard work but I got my career out of it.

If he's doing 12hrs in one day it's better than most. He still has every evening to study after college plus 3 days "off" to study/play Xbox/see girlfriend.

I wouldn't push him for another shift OP. BUT I would insist that he uses the 5th day to do his college work.

And that he pays some dig money towards his "luxuries".

He is an adult. Stop micromanaging him. It is his choice how many hours he works and whether he gives a shit about his personal hygiene and what clothes he wears.

However it is not unreasonable to make him feel the consequences of his choices. I'd start charging him rent, including food and bills. I'd make this relatively cheap given that he's still studying. I'd also stop buying his toiletries and clothes. Before this I'd sit him down and tell him what was happening, ask if he needed help budgeting but if he declined leave him to it. But meaning it clear that this wasn't negotiable and that if he didn't pay his rent he'd be asked to leave. I would give him an alternative that if he really started working hard towards his college course I'd be happy to sub him a bit more but I wouldn't be paying for him to laze around on the xbox like a slob all day.

You're not helping him by making it so comfortable for him, you're training him to be a cocklodger.

My DS2 loves a 12 hour shift. He goes from short shift to short shift at two different jobs fairly often, so the opportunity to work two long shifts would really appeal to him. When it's boring he listens to music and mentally counts his money.

He will probably have a lot of work to do in addition to the course. My daughter is on a course that is only a day and a half a week in college, plus two days placement, and she and others have stopped their part time jobs as the amount of work they have to do in addition is huge.

I think 12 hours is plenty, yabu.

By buying him toiletries/clothes etc you are saying "its fine to be a slob, someone will look after you"

by making him pay rent (even if you put it in a savings account for him to have later) you;re teaching him a life lesson that these things are not brought by the housekeeping fairy

also - if you dont want them to eat in his room - ban food in there! its your house

He is spoiled.
I'm guilty of trying to be his friend too much and mother not enough.

I was a single parent when he was young (nc with his father) and spent evry spare hour working so he didn't miss out on a thing.

Now it's biting me in the arse because I still have the automatic response of giving him more than he needs, i don't want him losing out bdue to my mistakes.

It's made worse by the fact that his only desire is xbox or internet.
He can quite happily be grounded, no money, no treats as long as he has internet.

I use it to work from home and when we tried changing the password he hacked the router locking me out!

I took the router out with me, he toddled of to his granny for sweets and internet there

I think I need to stop indulging him.
My DP tells me I'm too soft but I worry that he is too hardline (lifelong military career) so my pfb kicks in

Haven't RTWT, but I work in a place where many people work part-time, in addition to college, 6th form, uni, etc. Most people who go to college do work the 2 days they're not at college. Some don't even have 2 days off; they only have 1 day, but am I right in thinking he wants to do one 12-hour shift? That's a long old day, if so. Is there no chance of half-shifts?

Just had it out with DS again and told him he will have to pay keep.
He has stormed off saying he will quit the job completely because he is only doing it 'for me'

He wants me to use the money that I would spend on driving lessons for him for his board (for his 18th I told him his gift from me was driving lessons. That was November he hasn't been arsed to start because it looks hard)

If he works one 12 hour shift he will earn ã £70.
I buy his top up each month at £18 so I'm stopping that, how much would be reasonable out of the £70?

I worked in my parents pub from 12, at 15 I had another job too and had left school so I paid £35 per week
But my 'D'M was a raging vindictive narc who was thrilled to get rid of me the week before my 16th, I really don't want him to have lasting bitter memories like mine.

Personally I dislike the idea of keep from adult children who are partly in education.

Other than that I agree with RedButtonHole

ILJJ the company have been very very patient already, DS manipulating everyone because he knows he has to get a job but doesn't want to waste his free time. They normally only do ft 3x12 hrs.
Candyf I've tried to incentivise him working by paying his phone top up, insuring his moped and not taking keep as long as he has a part time job.
His moped (newer than my car) sits in the shed, he got it for 16th and has done 47miles he cba filling it up and saves the fuel money toward bloody games.
He was walking and bussing to school.

You need to agree on an amount he will pay you from his wages, for his keep. The amount should cover a roof over his head with all the usual electricity etc. and his meals if you are happy to cook for him. It should also take into account the fact that he has internet access and the fact that he has a regular guest who also uses your home, so basically a share of any household costs.

Spare cash should be used to cover his own living costs- toiletries, travel expenses, phone top ups, socialising and extra food such as takeaways or meals at work.If he wants to earn extra for luxuries such as games and sweets then he will have to work for it the same as the rest of us do, and as you did to pay for him to have nice things when he was little!

Set the ground rules re: dig money and leave the rest up to him, don't bail him out if he spends all his cash on games and can't afford deodorant or phone credit- his girlfriend wont be long in telling him if he stinks and he'll buck up! Similarly he will soon gt fed up of traipsing to his gran's all the time he wants the internet. If you can't bring yourself to make him pay keep, at least stop buying necessities for him- you're just enabling him to continue his lifestyle whilst putting in minimal effort.

I don't mean to sound harsh but you are doing him no favours by letting him off with all of this and he seems happy to take advantage- if he had a better attitude, such as asking to reduce the keep he pays so he could afford some driving lessons or something else positive or useful then it would make sense to cut him some slack but it just sounds like he is taking you for a ride.

you sound like a really caring mum who has done loads for him, but don't let him take the mickey out of you!

Sell the moped to fund the driving lessons. I would allow him to do one shift because I don't see how you can force him to do the second one. However, I would stop paying for all the extras, he is an adult with a job.

If he is short of money in a boring job he might Work out the connection and work harder at college towards a better life in the future.

And don't confuse your own poor parenting experiences with your relationship with ds. They are separate things. Keep the faith, he sounds a bit stuck at around the 14 mark. He will shape up in time.