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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel guilty that i don't feel bad when my 14 month old is at nursery?

24 replies

tangledmess · 07/02/2015 17:18

I've just been reading that it's common for mums to feel jealous of their child carers, as they get to have fun with them when they are at work. Now I am a bit worried that this had never even entered my head. In fact I am chuffed to bits when he bonds with another adult as it takes the pressure off me for a bit.
Also he seems to be enjoying nursery and has so much play and stimulation that I figure he is in a good place.
When I am with him I run out of things to do with him and he gets whingey and demanding. Like he is bored and wants to see his friends. Whereas he is fine at nursery. In fact it settles him down!

I wonder why there is almost a reverse effect? Does he not like me do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

tangledmess · 07/02/2015 17:21

Also when I pick him up from nursery he is happy as Larry, smiling and waving etc, then when I get him home he seems p*d off

OP posts:

PercyGherkin · 07/02/2015 17:21

"Other parents have issues. I don't have issues. Is there something wrong with me?" is basically what you've just written.

He likes nursery. He loves you. Stop worrying!

ApocalypseThen · 07/02/2015 17:22

I'm sure he loves you. But I guess kids, like everyone else, like doing their own thing too. He probably likes the structured activities and his little friends.

Lots of home workers love their kids but wish they had some adult company too. It's no reflection on you.

PercyGherkin · 07/02/2015 17:23

He's probably had a lovely time at nursery but all those activities and all that stimulation has worn him out. Do you never come home and all you want to do is slump on the sofa? That's basically him.

LindyHemming · 07/02/2015 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThreeFrazzledFandangos · 07/02/2015 17:23

Nope he's confident you're coming back for him and perfectly happy to spend time with other adults.

Everybody wins.

My DS is like this. He loves spending time with me but he also loves going to nanny's, gran's or nursery.

He's just a sociable little thing.

If he's well looked after and you're confident he's happy there then why would you worry about leaving him?

ThreeFrazzledFandangos · 07/02/2015 17:24

Oh yes, nursery is exhausting.

They always crash when they get in.

Post-nursery bedtimes are the best!

Original poster

tangledmess · 07/02/2015 17:28

Thanks everyone sorry I really didn't mean that to come across the wrong way and really hope i didn't offend anyone. Just having big doubts about myself today and think I am being a bad mum. He is so whingyy with me I just can't seem to keep him happy and have no idea what he wants a lot of the time x

OP posts:

Nolim · 07/02/2015 17:31

Dont feel guilty that you are not feeling guilty. Enjoy that your dc is happy.

HedgehogsDontBite · 07/02/2015 17:32

I know the feeling OP. When I first took DD to nursery I was all prepared for the clinging, the tears and having to stay with her. We walked in the door, she saw all the painting stuff and was like 'see ya!' Sounds daft now but at the time I felt like a failure as a parent.

Original poster

tangledmess · 07/02/2015 17:32

He's with his dad now who seems to know how to entertain him much better than me so I am leaving him to it

OP posts:

Ratbagcatbag · 07/02/2015 17:35

I get it. For ages I felt guilt about not feeling guilty that I'd left dd.

Some of my friends do fret when their lo isn't with them, I like the fact I can have a cup of tea, get lunch in peace and finish something I start. She's happy so I've stopped beating myself up over not feeling guilty. Everyone is different. :)

Coyoacan · 07/02/2015 17:38

Not at all, the more people your child bonds with the better and the more you enjoy yourself when you know he is happy and being well cared for, the healthier your relationship will be.

The idea is to enjoy them when you are with them and enjoy yourself when they are away, that way you recharge your batteries.

Christelle2207 · 07/02/2015 18:49

Mine is 18m and loves nursery after a slightly rocky start. He literally bounds in smiling every time.
I'm about to start mat leave for no2 and am hoping I can continue to afford to send him 2dpw as long as possible! Don't feel bad.

TwoOddSocks · 07/02/2015 19:11

I remember reading an article by a woman who had found a great nanny for her kid; kid had bonded with her, she did great activities with him, cared about him, great positive discipline etc. exactly what she had wanted in a nanny. Then she got jealous and fired the nanny. I think being happy that your son is happy is by far preferable to that.

Gen35 · 07/02/2015 19:19

Enjoy it while you can! Dd loved nursery til 18 mos and then it all changed and I had two years of fights to get her to nursery in the morning, if they're happy, that is everything, can't see why you'd waste a second feeling bad!

Mrsjayy · 07/02/2015 19:24

There is nothing wrong with you at all

skylark2 · 07/02/2015 19:30

Why would you feel bad? Your kid loves nursery.

Loving an activity and loving a person are not the same, and there's no reason anyone has to choose one or the other.

Aladyinsane · 07/02/2015 19:36

I'm the same. I even send my DC in when I don't have to e.g. A day off. DC love nursery so why wouldn't I send her to have fun... (So I can have a day to myself)

toomuchtooold · 07/02/2015 19:36

I think the thing is that when they are at nursery they know they're not with family so they behave relatively well. A whole day of this is stressful: so when they get back with you, they let it all out. It's a sign of secure attachment

When my kids first started nursery I loved it (they were 22m old and I was working 3 days a week). Now they're nearly 3, they're more fun, and I work 5 days a week, and I do miss them, although they still drive me up the wall. Whether you miss them or not depends a lot on their age, how much you see them, what they're like and what you're like. Also, I believe there's a lot of bullshit spoken about this sort of thing...

badfurday · 07/02/2015 19:36

I'm exactly the same op. I remember my first day back to work and people kept coming up to me asking if I was ok and how was it leaving your pfb. I was like fine thanks! I think they were expecting me to be hysterical with guilt. Nope. I love her more that anything, but she is happy and I am happy. When she's dropped off she doesn't give me a second look and is like whatever mummy, I'm hanging with my mates.
Will agree with post nursery fatigue though, she was fine for a couple of weeks, now I take her straight for a bath and bottle and she's asleep by 6.30 ( which is also quite nice!)

a2011x · 07/02/2015 19:39

I look forward to Friday which is my day off and her day at nursery . No your not being unreasonable

ShadowSpiral · 07/02/2015 19:59

I'm happy that my DC are happy at nursery. I'm also happy that they've bonded well with key workers there.

But I do know people who go on about how they hate having to have childcare for their DC which does sometimes make me feel that I should at least pretend to feel that way. I've had looks from certain friends when I've mentioned leaving the DC in nursery when I've had a day off work. Even if I've told them I'll be doing stuff that would bore the DC rigid on the day off work.

BrianButterfield · 07/02/2015 20:09

I have never felt guilty. But then neither of the nurseries I've used have seems anything like the soulless child-barns often described here by nursery-haters. When I get DD from the baby room then go to the foundation room for DS, she is practically mobbed by older children who all know her and want to cuddle her, and she is greeted by name by every adult who all seem to know everything about her. Likewise I often go into the baby room to be regaled by tales of what Ds has been up to. It's not like being with mummy, but it is like being with loads of lovely aunts and uncles all day who seem to dote on the childrens' every move as much as I do!

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