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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really upset that he doesn't want me there?

23 replies

Rhymerocket · 05/02/2015 21:45

I split from Knobhead husband 5 years ago. I left him as he was emotionally abusive and conned me into supporting him for 12 yrs. looking back I was totally his pawn and I'm disgusted I let him treat me as he did.

The only good thing to come from that relationship was two children. My son is first year of his 2 yr GCSE course. It's the first parent teachers meeting soon and son has told me he doesn't want me there. Said his father will go!

We have joint custody and kids spend half time with him half time with me. But son defo has fierce loyalties to father who he thinks I treated unfairly by leaving. He listens to all the shore his father tells him and sucks it all in. Meanwhile for 5 yrs I have taken all the shite they throw at me and said nothing as I firmly believe it is wrong to show kids the fighting.

However now I'm devastated he has said he doesn't want me at the meetings. Aibu?

OP posts:

FannyFifer · 05/02/2015 21:49

Your son doesn't get to decide whether you go or not so just ignore him & go to meeting.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 05/02/2015 21:50

((hugs)) Of course you are not being unreasonable, it hurts. But, you have to let your son figure out what a cock-wad your ExDH is by himself. Trying to show him will only drive him away.

It took me until I was 20 to find out what my mother was really like. My dad knew I would come find him when I did. We have a great relationship now (dad and I), mum, not so much!

ajandjjmum · 05/02/2015 21:50

It's a parents meeting - you're a parent. Not his choice.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 05/02/2015 21:50

I wouldn't go if it were me. It may only worsen things.

MrsMaker83 · 05/02/2015 21:55

Erm you are the adult, and parent. He doesn't get to decide!

WorraLiberty · 05/02/2015 21:58

Does he have to choose?

Can you and your ex not both go, even if separately?

Hassled · 05/02/2015 21:58

So your son is 14/15? He's old enough to know a censured part of your version of events. You'd have to think very carefully about how you phrased things, but I think you could tell him that you were very unhappy when you were together and that you supported his father for a long time.

I did eventually tell my oldest DCs that their father had cheated on me - like you, I took the flak for the break up for a long time. And it really didn't effect their relationship with their father at all - he was always a good dad, and carried on being so. It just meant that they also had an understanding for why I left, and it helped our relationship a lot.

In the short term - your DS doesn't get to decide whether or not you attend a parents' evening.

Original poster

Rhymerocket · 05/02/2015 22:00

Well I have decided I'm going! I'm just flipping raging that prick has such a hold over my DS. I bust my ass for the kids and this Ds is all take take take from me. That's it. Only has time for his da.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 05/02/2015 22:06

I have never come across the idea of a child actually forbidding a parent from going to parents evening.

I don't think he gets to choose. You need to be able to understand and support him through his GCSEs just as his father does. You need to go to the parents evening so that you can do so in an informed and meaningful way.

If you are co-parenting 50/50 then you have a strong case for also being there. The child does not get to pick and choose like this. The decision is yours to make, not his.

Topseyt · 05/02/2015 22:09

Just saw your update. Glad you have decided you will be going. Stick to your guns there.

Coyoacan · 05/02/2015 22:24

So your son is 14/15? He's old enough to know a censured part of your version of events. You'd have to think very carefully about how you phrased things

I agree. It is a very fine line you have to walk, because it is not about offloading onto your son, but I don't think anything is to be gained by keeping the truth a secret.

For a different reason, my dd's father always makes promises and never keeps them, I decided that I should let her grow up with a more realistic understanding of her father. I think I managed to get it more or less right.

OllyBJolly · 05/02/2015 22:33

I decided that I should let her grow up with a more realistic understanding of her father

Why? Why shouldn't children come to their own conclusions by being with that parent and making their own assessment? Your own history as a partner should not be colouring your DCs' view of their parent.

I think it's cruel to the child to make the other parent look bad. Awful. To paraphrase my granny, if you can't say anything positive, don't say anything at all.

balia · 05/02/2015 22:35

Couple of things occur (bear in mind I don't know your DS, he's probably lovely and honest etc so feel free to ignore!) could he have told you both that he wants the other to go (thus avoiding any contact between parents and teachers?) Or - does he think Dad is more easily placated if things aren't perhaps going so well and knows Dad will not tell you if the teachers are saying he has to pull his socks up etc?

And of course you should go.

Hassled · 05/02/2015 22:46

Olly - you're right in theory, and I would never advocate slagging the other parent off. But when one parent has behaved very badly to the other, the DCs know nothing and are just hearing that the other parent buggered off/is a cow/whatever, I don't think that's helpful either - especially if it has a negative effect on the child's relationship with the other parent. It's a tricky balance - but it's not always as black and white as being cruel to make the other parent seem bad.

Coyoacan · 06/02/2015 00:11

OllyBJolly
My dd's did not need any help to look awful, actually. And in fact, I think I can take some credit for the fact that my dd gets on really well with him, nowadays, because she has come to accept his limitations.

SweetsForMySweet · 06/02/2015 00:17

YANBU. Go to the meetingI get. It's important to be informed about his education and have contact with his teachers

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 06/02/2015 00:24

My DD tells me every year that sh doesn't want me to go to parents' evening, I think the thought of it stresses her out. I go anyway. Our was a couple of weeks ago and bar a couple of ropey moments it was fine and if you asked her now I'm sure she'd say she was glad I was there.

ChippingInGluggingOn · 06/02/2015 00:26

I'm glad you have decided to go.

He doesn't get to choose.

As far him being take take take...that's the vast majority of teenagers. Developmental stage and all that. Also saying his Dad will go instead... It's natural to 'pick' the parent who gives less of a shit! Far easier.

There's a fine line between 'slagging off' and 'telling them the truth about the other parent/the break up'. You do to have to make out the other one is wonderful when they aren't.

ChippingInGluggingOn · 06/02/2015 00:28

Have you seen This thread ?

It's a giveaway book about teenagers.

DoJo · 06/02/2015 00:31

Well I have decided I'm going! I'm just flipping raging that prick has such a hold over my DS. I bust my ass for the kids and this Ds is all take take take from me. That's it. Only has time for his da

But he is also lucky, because he has you and you know what his dad is like, so you can help him to see, not by slagging his dad off, but by being there and loving him and encouraging him to think for himself. He might not realise it now, but he will work his dad out and he will know where to come for support and love. He has to work it out for himself, it's just one of those lessons he will learn in time.

BTW - this might be completely irrelevant as it is literally just my sole experience, but I could have been described somewhat like this at your son's age. It wasn't because I liked my dad best - I had to talk about how 'cool' he was because I was trying to convince myself that I liked him when I was starting to realise that I didn't. I never asked him for money (unlike my mum, who got tapped up every other day!) because I wasn't secure enough in the relationship to have that normal 'teen scrounging a fiver from their parent' cheek going. We don't always treat the ones we love most the best...

Iflyaway · 06/02/2015 00:48

"supporting him for 12 Years"...

Manipulating you, you mean....

And he has done the job on your DC too. Don't let him! Just go. He doesn.t [sp?] get to control you or DC! Check in with Womens Aid??

I don't live in UK so others will have better information but I did get out of ex's emotional/physical abuse...! @ 6 month old son...

Would never accept that from any man, and would rather bring up DS alone than have a dad around that hit me, and him eventually! duh!

Original poster

Rhymerocket · 06/02/2015 11:42

Thank you all for the responses. I know I just need to be patient and he will see what a waster his da is eventually. I usually cope with it quite well. I think he just knocked the wind out of my sails saying he didn't want me to go. His father has no exams and I have a degree and a professional qualification so it's usually me who does all the homework help etc.

Dojo thanks for that insight. It actually makes lots of sense. X

OP posts:

HereIAm20 · 06/02/2015 13:29

I used to go with my exH and despite our differences I would call him ahead and say we did need to prevent a united front over any suggested course of action from the school. I have to say I was probably always a bit stricter and like you had a higher level of education so therefore probably valued it more.

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