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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed in my so-called friends?

26 replies

Magickindle · 05/02/2015 16:38

I am (or thought I was) good friends with three other mums from my DCs school.

A couple of years ago a new girl started in DD's class, the girls became friends, and the mum and I became friends too. However it soon became obvious that the mum was very pushy and demanding, wanting everything on her terms, and wanting favour after favour, and also said what she thought all the time but in a horrible way. She wanted constant contact with me and would get very stroppy if I couldn't talk on the phone to her for hours in the evenings. To cut a long story short, I distanced myself a bit and started saying no when she asked for favours. This resulted in her having an almighty tantrum one day when I refused to do something she wanted me to do. She sent me a series of very horrible texts and Facebook messages over the period of several days.

My group of friends are very aware of how nasty she was to me, as I was quite upset at the time and they all said that they found her very rude and pushy too and that they all had purposely stayed away from her.

However, recently this woman seems to have deliberately targeted all three and become quite friendly with them. She has got one of my friends picking up her DD for her twice a week and taking her to after school activities with her child. The second friend keeps going round to her house as this woman keeps inviting her round there for coffee. And now this morning the third friend was tagged on Facebook by this woman saying that they'd just been for a lovely run together and couldn't wait for tomorrow's run.

So that's all three that suddenly seem to be her best friend! Next thing they'll be wanting to invite her when we all meet up!

I have classed all three as good friends, and they all know how nasty this woman was to me. I guess I am just disappointed that none of them have shown any loyalty to me. I certainly don't expect them to blank her or anything like that, but I just thought none of them would actually want to be friends with someone who had been so horrible to a friend of theirs. It's actually putting me off all three of them and making me think that maybe they're not really my friends after all.....

OP posts:
limegoldfinewine · 05/02/2015 16:57

I actually get this because it's really frustrating when you dislike someone (for good reason) and it feels like everyone else is too busy being "neutral" to support you.

But I think that if I were your friend I would think that your "bust-up" doesn't sound significant enough that I would refuse to befriend someone for ever. She asked you for a favor, you said no and she then sent you a bitchy text or two? I guess it depends on how bad those messages were but I feel like these are not hanging offenses? I have friends who my friends don't like and vice versa.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll be the only one as mumsnet gets very LTB about friends. Everyone will be along soon to call her a wendy and tell you that they are evil bitches who secretly hate you and you should dump them etc etc. I think if you have a good relationship with them, continue doing so. If you feel that they are not treating you well, then stop. But otherwise, ignore it.

twitchyfingerednamechanger · 05/02/2015 17:02

Possibly they don't want the hasslre of falling out with her? Or possibly they see her side of the arguement as well? Lives to short to be dragged down by this. You're adults. You can ask them whats going on or just move on. Are they stil friendly with you?

Im sorry about the abusive texts. Dont have enough imformartion to for an opinion on what else went on but abusive texts are always awfulFlowers

mrsruffallo · 05/02/2015 17:04

Maybe their children like hanging out with hers. Don't worry about it.

Original poster
Magickindle · 05/02/2015 17:09

The thing is, none of them were actually friends with her at the time and none of their DCs are friends with her child as far as I know. She's befriended each of them since she sent the nasty messages. Just seems a bit weird that she's best of buddies with each and every one of them.

They're all ok with me, maybe a bit off-ish at times but maybe I am imagining that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Magickindle · 05/02/2015 17:11

Limegold see, if someone told me that someone had sent them lots of nasty messages, it would put me off being friends with them at any point. It would make me wary of them being bit nasty and of putting their parts on when things didn't go their way. That's what I can't understand with my friends.

It's more than just the favour thing; she's very rude and demanding, and plain nasty at times.

Oh well, I'm sure they will soon learn when she does the same to them

OP posts:
Original poster
Magickindle · 05/02/2015 17:13

twitchy I've tried to be adult about it and just rise above it but it's really upsetting me now. I think asking them about it would make me look silly so I guess I just need to spend less time with those friends really.

OP posts:
Laura0806 · 05/02/2015 17:21

I sympathise with you. I just think people don't want the hassle of falling out with anyone. There are very few people in life who will actually be loyal to you. I learnt that the hard way a few years ago. Now I just have much lower expectations which is sad but saves the hurt. I suspect if it will continue to upset you, concentrate on your other friends but don't confront or cut these women out either. This women will probably upset them soon enough anyway

Original poster
Magickindle · 05/02/2015 17:23

I feel like she deliberately set out to be friends with them just to get at me, and because she is very pushy and overpowering they've all gone along with things for a quiet life.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 05/02/2015 17:26

I think that you should persevere with your friends regardless of her.

She knows what she is doing and I bet she knows it's winding you up.

Let them learn the hard way.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/02/2015 17:30

You know they'll get fed up with her too.

If shes being nice as pie, they'll think, "Well, shes not that bad."

Suddenly she'll turn into a nightmare.

True colours and all that.

seesensepeople · 05/02/2015 17:32

I wouldn't spend less time with these friends, that's probably what she is trying to achieve. I'd make the effort to be just as friendly as usual with them and not mention her at all.

mrsruffallo · 05/02/2015 17:32

Personally, I would persevere with my friends but I would remind them how nasty she was to me. Not all the time, that would be tiresome but I would drop the odd line of ridicule in. I am not very discreet though.

Starlightbright1 · 05/02/2015 17:34

I personally would say stand back and watch..If she is as you say she is they will all get fed up when she stops because friend can't go for a run, or not going to activities...
let them learn for themselves that is what we have to do for our kids..

BarbarianMum · 05/02/2015 17:37

I can see why you are upset. But personally I take people as I find them - I don't like other people telling me who I can and can't be friends with and I try not to be dragged into other peoples squabbles. I also hate it is when 1 person is ostracised by a whole group after a falling out with 1 member over something relatively minor - seems cliquey and bullying to me.

So either you are right about this woman - in which case your friends will surely find out. Or you will find out that there are 2 sides to her and that she can maintain friemdships with other people even though she was not so lucky with you. Either way it needn't affect you friendships unless you let it.

Original poster
Magickindle · 05/02/2015 17:41

I don't think it was something relatively minor though BarbarianMum. That's why I find it upsetting. I don't expect others to be dragged into the squabble or to bully her or be cliquey, I don't know I just thought they wouldn't want to be close buddies with her after how nasty she was to me. I showed them the texts BTW.

There are hundreds of mums at the school; funny how she has latched onto my close friends.

I really hope they all do soon find out what she is like.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 05/02/2015 17:43

Honestly, if she's even a quarter as bad as you say she is they'll find out in no time. First time they try to cross her/disagree with her in fact. But people like this are quite often very charming and charasmatic as well.

creampie · 05/02/2015 17:43

Be careful!

You may be about to be "Wendyed"!

creampie · 05/02/2015 17:44

Or maybe "Wendied". I've no idea how you'd spell that...

Original poster
Magickindle · 05/02/2015 17:45

Oh yes she is definitely charming and very good at pulling people in. Then the foot stomping starts, as do the midnight phone calls and constant demands.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 05/02/2015 17:45

And sorry about all the 'ifs'. It's not that I think you are lying, more that I've a couple of good friends who were classed as oddballs/nightmares at the school gates. One person's meat is another person's poison and all that.

MonstrousRatbag · 05/02/2015 17:47

Say nothing, rise above it. Wait until it ends in tears (it will) then when your friends want to vent about it to you you can shrug and say, 'Well I did tell you what she was like...'

sebsmummy1 · 05/02/2015 17:48

I think she's done you a favour as you are now free of her and she will be asking your other three 'friends' for favours and falling out with them
instead if they don't acquiesce.

Just get on with your own business. If they want to invite her to your arranged meetings then I think it's fair enough to say you feel it will be awkward and leave them to it. I honestly thing given enough time she will piss at least one of them off and you'll get your mates back.

HappyAgainOneDay · 05/02/2015 17:52

Your friends can listen to you and read the texts but remain friends with them and let them find out for themselves by experience what the woman's like.

MistressDeeCee · 05/02/2015 18:25

I can understand you would feel horrible about this, OP. This woman sounds very unpleasant.

In your friends' place - although I wouldn't necessarily blank her Id be in no hurry to suddenly become close friends with her. Simply because following the fallout with you Id actually see her gameplan for what it is ie to isolate you, and continue to make you feel bad by intervening in your friendships, all because you wouldn't be bullied by her. & I don't like to be used in that way, nor do I want to be good friends with people who behave as she does.

Your friends aren't very discerning tbh. Maybe they're phased or intimidated by this woman. But yes, I would have thought friendship loyalty would count for something. If they're good friends then hopefully she won't be able to make any comment about you to them. No getting away from it, this kind of thing can and does change friendship dynamics.

I hope you have other friends so you can counteract this, though. Get on with being you.

FreeWee · 05/02/2015 18:33

She will show her true colours to each of them eventually in time so I would just bide your time till it happens. I can imagine you feel betrayed but they are obviously deciding to make their own minds up about her giving her a chance to show she's a nice person. If she's as nasty as you say she is they'll come to their own conclusions about her which will be more affirmative for them to decide not to be friends with her than just siding with you because you've had a bad experience.

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