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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My 17 year old son just assaulted my 18 year old daughter

56 replies

Purplepilot · 05/02/2015 10:45

My daughter is in emergency after being punched in the face/head about 12 times by her brother. She blacked out for 10 seconds, she has lumps and swelling all over. Why do I feel bad for calling the police? I was even thinking oh this isnt bad enough to call the police! I know its not normal behaviour I just need confirmation that I have done the right thing. Just some background my son has mental health issues, I know its not an excuse, but does it help explain things? My husband passed away 5 years ago from cancer so its just my daughters 18 and 10, and sons 17 and 12. Thankyou for reading

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Original poster

Purplepilot · 05/02/2015 11:42

He has Tourettes syndrome, depression and anxiety. All formally diagnosed. He is on three different medications. I have lots of support in RL but I dont want to tell anyone this. I dont want them to think badly of my son. I am being honest. He was smoking a bit of marijuana but gave up smoking daily around 2 months ago. Still smokes when he stays over at friends houses. I know it is dangerous, and the worst thing for mental health issues. His Drs know this and talk to him about it, but he doesnt care. Thankyou everyone for posting, I feel so supported and know I have done the right thing. My children need to feel safe, and all need to know it isnt acceptable, and I will protect them. My husband who passed was his step dad from 2 years of age. My sons bio dad was physically abusive to me, and i eventually left him as I didnt want my son to think it wad ok to hit women, and I didnt want my daughter to think it was ok to be hit. I should have stopped this immediately but didnt, but I am glad I have done now. I feel very torn, but am feeling strong in what I have done.

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cestlavielife · 05/02/2015 11:44

you did right thing. they need to push forward with charges this will ensure he gets full psych assessment. if he is "fine" he will face criminal charges and will need to face up to his behavior but if he is ill he will get help.

however much you think he wont attack your MIL please be aware he might - as you not there he might take it out on her. and make sure she and others know that - eg have police put marker on her phone so if she calls they come out quick.

do not let your son back in your house. insist to all that he simply cannot come back until his MH fully addressed. you have two other young children who need protecting. let SS, CAMHS etc find a suitable safe place for your son where he can be assessed and treated. have MIL say she cannot house him for longer than 24 hours as otherwise they will be happy for her to house him indefinitely. this is your chance for you and for your DS to insist on him getting treatment and help, outside of your home where you and your other DC are not safe.

Original poster

Purplepilot · 05/02/2015 11:48

Breaking, I am not to sure, we are still in emergency, I will speak with police tomorrow when I give a formal statement, and will also speak with his Dr. I know he needs anger management classes. I am hoping when it goes to court the magistrate will help put things in place as part of his sentencing.

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Original poster

Purplepilot · 05/02/2015 11:54

Cest, that is a great idea with putting marker on her phone, i will call her now to suggest. My MIL is trying to support me by having my son. But I will take on board your thoughts on not having him with her undefinately.

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cestlavielife · 05/02/2015 11:55

you need something to happen now tho. immediately, you cant wait for things to "go to court". if he is mentally ill he needs assessment and treatment right now, not in two months....or in that time he will harm and injure other people. this wasn't one punch it was 12. you said. she is severely injured and traumatized.

don't have him home
tell MIL to insist he can only stay 24 hours
have SS and CAMHS sort out either a treatment unit or some kind of half way housing for him
make sure you dd gets victim support and there is a MASH referral

this is your chance to get things moving and put in place for him. at 17 he should be classed as vulnerable young person there will be homes/units he can be placed in. neither you nor MIL should be asked to deal with someone who is a ill b violent and c taking drugs which highly likely to exacerbate his condition . he needs professional carers.

KarmaViolet · 05/02/2015 11:57

I am hoping when it goes to court the magistrate will help put things in place as part of his sentencing.

That won't necessarily happen automatically as the magistrates follow their Sentencing Guidelines. You need to get there and speak to the prosecutor if you can (which could be difficult) or if there's no restriction on contact between you and your son from bail conditions, speak to his defence lawyer about him being given some help within the framework of a community order.

CinnabarRed · 05/02/2015 11:57

Can you agree an innocuous sounding "safe phrase" with your MIL so that if she texts it to you you know she needs help?

Original poster

Purplepilot · 05/02/2015 11:57

He most definately will not be coming home. We will both be taking out an AVO, which will also cover the younger two. I am in Aus if it is called something different elsewhere. Its hard because I know he wouldnt behave like this if my husband was still alive. He was very loving but firm. He was a gentlemen and would not have accepted his abusive behaviour.

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cestlavielife · 05/02/2015 11:58

both you and MIL need to step away from thinking poor ds and move to "DS needs help and treatment which we cannot give" .you both need to insist on that and get urgent meetings with SS and CAMHS today. your MIL is at risk. if he didnt stop punching when it was dd he was hitting you can be sure he wont stop when its MIL or anyone.

cestlavielife · 05/02/2015 11:59

you cant say that. he is ill. he could have gotten ill if your h was here or not. please dont blame yourself or the situation. ds may use this an excuse but he could equally use another.

cestlavielife · 05/02/2015 12:01

dont know AUs set up but MASH is safeguarding children eg in cases of domestic violence. this was domestic violence. the reason/cause eg mh does not make it any less of domestic violence issue.

Tyzer85 · 05/02/2015 12:02

You have done the right think OP, as heart breaking as it is you need to think of yourself, your daughters and other son.

cestlavielife · 05/02/2015 12:04

and your h isn't here. harsh as that sounds...so who is? you...you and MIL have to agree to handle this so your other DC are protected; ad so that your DS gets help.

LadyLuck10 · 05/02/2015 12:05

You have done the right thing op. If it was someone else you wouldn't question it, because he's your son it doesn't make the assault any less of an issue. He needs to be removed from the home as he is a serious danger to you all.

Original poster

Purplepilot · 05/02/2015 12:06

What I mean by hoping magistrate will put things in place, is that he will be forced to. I have had him in a private yourh mental health hospital and they disxharged him after 3 weeks as he would not engage. He has been in a public youth hospital and wouldnt engage, he has been un an adult mental health hospital and they discharged him after 3 days. They dont seem to care? Take it seriously? I have been there begging them to keep him, my MIL has done the same, we have rung, gone higher, they say there isnt much they can do, or we arent designed to keep people this long. I also assumed he would be going to court tomorrow. I am probably wrong. I will spend whatever time/effort it takes to get him help.

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cestlavielife · 05/02/2015 12:19

it sounds really hard purple. keep pushing. maybe by your dd pushing charges it will mvoe things forward.
if he wont engage its hard but he needs to be warned he has to engage with mh services or face criminal charges

Original poster

Purplepilot · 05/02/2015 12:35

The police have just rung, he has been charged with assault and will be appearing before a majistrate next thursday. He said magistrate will most probablt put treatment in place. An avo is now in place which covers us all. He isnt allowed to contact or approach. They can be changed later once he is receiving treatment, and isnt a threat. Im not thinking oh my poor son. I am naturally concerned for him also. We have been through alot as a family, im not perfect, I am trying to be mum and dad in one. My dd has nothing fractured/broken in her facial area. She has just come back from a scan and will find out results soon. It is nearly midnight here, so will sign off for now. I will give an update in the morning. Again thank you everyone for your time, support and thoughts. I am truely grateful. ??

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RandomFriend · 05/02/2015 13:16

for you and your DD. You have absolutely done the right thing. I hope your son gets/accepts the treatment he clearly needs.

magimedi · 05/02/2015 13:30

You are a very brave woman - all this must be so hard for you but you have done the right thing.

pantsjustpants · 05/02/2015 13:55

I'm so sorry, it's the hardest thing to do. I've had to do it myself. I hope your son gets the help and support he needs. Unfortunately it sometimes takes a crisis like this for that to happen.

I really hope your daughter is ok, it sounds horrendous.

CheshirePanda · 05/02/2015 21:30

I've nothing to add to what others have said but to reiterate you did absolutely the right thing in my opinion, and to sympathise with you in what must be an agonising situation for you. I am so sorry you have this to deal with, and I hope it gets better soon for you and all your family.

seesensepeople · 05/02/2015 21:59

OP, so sorry for you and all your children - losing dad at that age is horrid (I also lost my hubby 5 years ago so know the impact).
Your son's MH issues are not only made worse by the drugs but also by the feelings of abandonment when dad dies just as he was approaching his teens. This can build resentment and anger which you are seeing now. Your son needs a tough line which you are giving him BUT he also needs some unconditional love which it is great that MIL can be there to give. The two of you need to keep in touch (you and MIL) but keep playing your respective roles until he gets some help sorted out again.
You're doing exactly the right thing - stay strong x

my2centsis · 05/02/2015 22:04

Oh op you have my deepest sympathies. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Please know we are here for you.

You are doing exactly what needs to be done to ensure you and your other children are safe. That is something to be proud of.

Even tho you probably don't feel it right now you sound like a very strong and determined lady! Hopefully this is your sons 'rock bottom' and things will only get better from here

Original poster

Purplepilot · 06/02/2015 03:11

Just an update, my dd has nothing broken. She is very swollen and bruised, with a few lumps. No lasting physical damage. We have just finished giving our statements to police. It was very confronting seeing it written down. We have been bullied and terrorised for a long time. He will now get the help he really needs. My other children will now be safe. X

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FishWithABicycle · 06/02/2015 05:51

Good. Don't know how these things work in aus but it's much better to push for treatment before he turns 18 rather than after. If he has to be admitted somewhere for residential assessment and treatment it will be much less traumatic for him if that's at a children's or adolescents' specialist facility rather than an adult one. It sounds to me like a minor intervention like anger management classes will not help that much but by the time the next incident happens he will have turned 18 and will be classed as an adult by the system. Much better to push for the more 'drastic' but potentially more effective options while he is still a minor.

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