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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent FIL for being so hands-off?

46 replies

wobblebored · 04/02/2015 13:16

NC as I've never posted about family stuff in this detail before...

I'm going into hospital shortly to have DC2. MIL coming to look after DD & my DM arriving the next day to help me out in the hospital & relieve DH so he can go home to see DD & rest.

I had hoped FIL would be left behind, but he is coming too. He is not in great health and the unspoken rule seems to be that he can't be expected to fend for himself for 2 or 3 nights without MIL. (Neighbours would be happy to pop in on him & check he's ok, but he doesn't really cook so doesn't ever get left to his own devices).

He is not in great physical shape, it's true, so I don't expect him to be down on his hands and knees playing with DD, but he makes no effort to engage with her in other ways - reading a book together, a jigsaw, talking about her toys, anything really. It makes me so sad.
His routine consists of sitting around doing crosswords or doing any little chores MIL needs doing, until it gets to nearly 5pm and then he can start drinking. He then drinks steadily until he goes to bed around 11. He usually has a drink or two at lunchtime too if he is able to. And yes, I think his less than perfect health is linked to his drinking, although not the only factor, he does have an underlying condition.

I don't have any concerns about DD's safety, MIL is great and they will have loads of fun together, and FIL's drinking does not lead to any unpleasant behaviour, just him drinking himself into a stupor.

What I resent is:

  • I will be recovering from childbirth, DH and MIL will be running around like crazy looking after me, DD and DC2 while he just sits there and drinks. Nothing, not even the birth of a new GC, is allowed to disrupt his evening routine.
  • DD will be exposed to that level of drinking in her own home when I'm not there and there's nothing I can do about it. She does see it when we go to PiLs house, but we can always take her out for the day or whatever to escape from it. I hate that it's going to happen in our house and I can't do anything about it.

No solutions here really, I just needed to vent! I know DH feels similar to me but when we have so much to deal with in the next few days I can't really complain to him. Apparently FIL was always a hands-off dad anyway, and now as he's physically not so capable he's even more withdrawn from his GCs than he was as a dad.

OP posts:
littleredhen2 · 04/02/2015 18:30

I feel a bit sorry for your MIL to be honest.
She wants to help you and be involved with her GC but feels she can't leave FIL who has (self inflicted) health problems.
None of you can make him want to be more pro-active so I would just ignore him, especially if he is not actively unpleasant and just falls asleep.
Banning alcohol in your house would just put your MIL and DH in an awkward position.
If he was argumentative or abusive I would think differently.
It doesn't sound as if he will ever be alone with your kids either, MIL or DH will also be there.

minginjean · 04/02/2015 18:37

It all sounds a bit princess to me. You won't need the extra help, you just want the extra help. MILs loyalties lie with her DH not with you. So she is kindly giving up her time as a full time carer to be your part time carer. I'd loose a bit of the glitter if I were you. You should be thankful they are at your beck and call in this drama of a birth.

morethanpotatoprints · 04/02/2015 18:40

YABU, you have so much help coming your way.
Some of us had none Grin honestly.
Ok, he has a drink but you said yourself it doesn't make his behaviour bad.
Also, you know what he's like and you have invited your mil to help.
It will be fine, you know your mil will be great with dd.
If its during the night as well she won't see much of the night time drinking as will be in bed anyway.

OneDayMySleepWillCome · 04/02/2015 18:48

Wow let's hope your newborns a sleeper then....! I could understand this a little (though not much) more if you were potentially coming off the back of a 48 hour labour, but if it's a planned section he should be fresh as a daisy!!! All sounds abit ridiculous to be to be honest, and our hospital allows for dads to stay 24/7 too thank goodness as my dh wouldn't want to miss anytime with me or a newborn in the days post birth, if he did absolutely have to for some reason then I would be fine on my own until he returned, wouldn't need my mum to go. To me, if you're that stressed about mil & fil going you could just save all this hassle by having your mum look after dd rather than be at your beck and call!!

pinkyredrose · 04/02/2015 18:50

OP I think you need to calm down. 3 adults to look after 2 DC 1 of whom is a newborn is plenty. If your FIL isn't interested in small children then so what?

The world doesn't stop just because you're having a baby. Why don't you tell MIL and FIL to stay home ad you're obviously so worried about his presence.

Quitelikely · 04/02/2015 18:51

Fgs leave the man alone. He has done absolutely Nothing to you, you are just judging his lifestyle choices.

If it upsets you that much tell your mil not to come. Oh wait.....was that silence from you? Exactly.

Bettybodybooboo · 04/02/2015 19:18

You have a hell of a lot of help there op so personally I wouldn't be complaining.

Your dm and mil helping your dh? Personally as much as I adored my mil and dm it would have driven me dotty to have them stop over during any of my 4 post births.

Your dh couid manage to function with a bit of sleep or you risk infantilising him just like your mil has done with your dfil.

His alcohol Intake is his business not yours. Not even in your house if you need your mils help here.

If I were you i would seriously count my blessings I had that much help and zip it about fil.

Best of luck with your baby.

Original poster
wobblebored · 04/02/2015 19:19

@littleredhen yes I feel sorry for MIL too, and sorry for DH. Their family dynamic is what it is, I just have to put up with it.

OP posts:
CPtart · 04/02/2015 19:47

What exactly do you need "help" with from your DH while you're still in hospital?? Confused

Original poster
wobblebored · 04/02/2015 19:50

@CPtart well for the first day I'll be immobile with a catheter, he'll have to do nappy changes. Day 2 based on last time I needed his help to get up & shower as the staff expected me to do it on my own.

Sorry if this sounds princessy but I did need a hand going to the loo & showering in the 2nd day after a section, and the staff were prepared to help me get down the corridor but not into the bathroom with me. Perhaps it's different at other hospitals...

OP posts:
CPtart · 04/02/2015 20:00

I've nursed thousands of patients post op, a catheter doesn't render you immobile.
Sounds like a dubious of standard of care. What do women do who have no partner able to stay?

Original poster
wobblebored · 04/02/2015 20:17

@CPtart yes I agree it's not an ideal standard of care. I was warned before that the night time staff levels were very low and partners were expected to stay all night to help out. (And last time it was before the changeover to daytime staff when a nurse tried to make me get up, before 7am - I said, no I'm waiting for my DH to help me get up, the nurse asked why he wasn't there yet...)

No idea what happens to mums who are on their own. I am grateful for the help I'm getting, believe me.

OP posts:
Figamol · 04/02/2015 20:21

I think YABU to expect him not to come, he is what he is, and harmless as you say.

But I think YANBU to be annoyed about being hands off. My own FIL drives 6 hours to come see us. Takes photos for 5 minutes then sits on the sofa ignoring them for the rest of the weekend. I honestly find every visit a little bit bizarre, I could just send them photos and it would be exactly the same for all concerned!!!

RiverTam · 04/02/2015 20:31

Neither FIL nor my own DM are particularly hands on with DD (now 5) - they never have been. MIL, her DH and FIL's DP are all very good, especially MIL. It's just the way it is. FIL loves DD coming to visit, even though he spends hardly any time one-to-one with her. Yes, it would be nice if he did a bit more with her, but he's getting on, getting a bit dotty - it makes him happy to see her, even if it's not quite how we would like - so we go. DD actually loves having a sleepover at Grandaddy's.

As for him coming with your MIL - well, maybe she wants him there, maybe she would be worried and anxious leaving him behind. It doesn't sound like he'll be any bother, just not any help - but as you'll have DH and MIL you should be OK.

HoneyIsBeePoo · 04/02/2015 20:36

OP, come on. Yes, your husband will be tired after a long day/night/whatever when you give birth. But he'll be able to drive, unless he has a condition that means he can't, or you live 10 hours drive from the hospital.

And a catheter doesn't render you immobile, you can still move around.

You're way overthinking this.

DeanKoontz · 04/02/2015 21:50

I had a planned section with my second (dc1 was 2). dh looked after dc1 and just came visiting hours. He was able to attend the birth as dc1 was in Nursery, but after that, I was pretty much on my own. He wasn't able to stay the night and I wouldn't have expected him to. I was fine to change nappies, feed baby and wash myself with a little help from the nurses initially, but independently once the spinal wore off.

I didn't know husbands staying the night was a thing. I'm glad there weren't any knocking about the ward I was on as I can't say it was easy to maintain much privacy. I couldn't reach the curtains! Will you be in a private room?

Original poster
wobblebored · 04/02/2015 22:05

@Dean nope, 4 to a room with curtains. My first night in hospital last time, the husband in the bay next door slept in his chair and snored all night. I didn't get any sleep.

There are a handful of private rooms but those are mainly reserved for people with multiples/babies in special care etc, which is fair enough.

OP posts:
DeanKoontz · 04/02/2015 22:13

God, I wouldn't like that at all. A load of husbands roaming the place. I can remember trying to feed dc2 with boobs akimbo (still in hospital gown) and laughing with the woman opposite because we were both half naked and unable to do much about it.

I suppose it would be fine if you all had an attendant husband to draw curtains and fetch your dressing gown from where it had fallen on the floor, but I'd hate to be the one woman without. And there is quite enough noise on a busy maternity ward without 4 snoring men.

Metalguru · 04/02/2015 23:23

I feel a bit sorry for OP, the run up to a birth, every birth can be scary, some posters are talking as if a c section is a breeze, but like any major surgery it's different for everyone and recovery time varies. It's great some people were up changing nappies as soon as spinal wore off, not the case for many women and OP is wise to anticipate she may need a lot of help, there's no shame in it! Hope it goes well for you OP, think you've had enough advice about FIL

DeanKoontz · 05/02/2015 11:22

Metal I really wasn't intimating that recovery from a C-section is a breeze. It's not. My point was that it's not possible for everyone to have someone on hand afterwards. I didn't choose not to have someone to help me, there just wasn't anyone to have, so I had to get on with it. I think a lot of women do. I think OP is lucky to have so any people help her and I don't begrudge her that at all. I'm sorry if my posts came across that way.

My ramblings about men on maternity ward are a side issue. A different point entirely. I wasn't aiming that at the OP, but reading my post back it does sound a bit critical and it wasn't meant to. Apologies.

NeedABumChange · 05/02/2015 11:50

You've mentioned your dad. Where is he going to be? Is he not expected to also "help out"?

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