AIBU asking the DH not to play golf so we can all go out ?

[whatisforteamum]

I did ask this question on relationships last yr.
28 yrs together with 2 teens.We have both worked long hrs for yrs and got the mortgage paid in 2013.Then Dh had a heart attack.
Rehab advised him to find a way to relax so he signed up to golf which he loves but never had time to go to due to working w ends(both of us).
My job changed hands so i ended up working lots of sundays and meetings,mothers day fathers day easterwhich i have done for 11 yrs but i really needed a hol as both parents have cancer.
Still Dh wouldnt budge and went to golf so v little fun for any of us.
As predicted Dads cancer returned and spread and though he is having chemo we arent sure whether it is working as yet.
Dh insists he is golfing once a month again on dates set out.I could weep what with exam restrictions,my job and his golf i feel trapped!!
Before anyone suggests it i cant drive too far due to anxiety so cant take Dcs on my own.
Dh has said we will go out although last summer passed me by stuck at home.

Can you get some refresher lessons to specifically look at motorway driving?

You have a driving license. Why does your reluctance to go on a motorway come above your husband's rare chance to relax?

'My job will have to go or I can't have any life again'. Because of golf ONCE A MONTH? Stop being such a drama queen and a martyr.

I guess i loved my job for 10 yrs before the change over.My parents always warned me i would miss out on things as the others went out without me( and i didnt mind).
Also i am an adult and quite capable of deciding i was happy enough,The rota is done week for week and it would be ideal if Dh golfed while i worked now our DD is old enough to help out with chores.
I get up 7 am work 11 am till 11pm at least.
Dh gets up at 430 am gets home 7pm.He dropped overtime as he was doing 55 hrs a week and his pills make him tired.
Pootlebug you are so right im sure my late finishes dont cause my self pity it is probably have 3 ill loved ones that has run me down .
I am a workaholic i just hope to get some quality freetime amongst the stress.
I am a good filling out the calendar with family events and have no intention of taking Ds anywhere before his exams.

Thank you Random

You work from 11am til 11pm every day?

And have done for 11 years?

I don't think your husband's once a month golf habit is the problem here.

What are the pair of you doing with your annual leave?

And please get a grip about the bloody golf, it's once a month and your husband sounds like he works hard and deserves time to relax.

You are an anxious stressed workaholic; perhaps you should take up golf to relax

Seriously, you have a lot of pressure on you and instead of cutting back and relaxing you resent your DH playing golf once a month. You are going to make yourself ill if you don't slow down.

Musemum you are so right.A lifestyle/job reshuffle.Dh wont change jobs so it will have to be me.
we have life savings which could be used from all the times we worked so hard .They could be put to good use now[GRIN]

I agree with PPs that it doesn't sound like the golf is the problem - two workaholics in the family who have little crossover in their schedules is the key issue here.

i agree my hrs changed i used to work 4 days a week which was a good work balance.This week i have 2 11till 11s and 1 day.
By the time i sleep it is 1am and he is up 4.30.We have to remember we are not as young anymore.
All my work colleagues are much younger and single(mostly) so the shift patterns probably suit them.I stayed on as i thought a long standing job would be more understanding when my Dad passes away.
I would rather stick pins in my eyes than play golf Chavsbrilliantattitude :).

I'm with you on the golf

Do give yourself a bit of a break, no job is worth ruining your health or family life over.

If your mortgage is paid off, neither of you need to be putting in as many working hours as you both are.

So, it's your choice.

Continue to work bonkers hours because you enjoy it. But no time together.

Or don't.

Your choice.

Golf isn't the issue here , one game a month is nothing.

Aside from anything else...if your DH is playing golf partly to improve his health, playing once a month isn't anything like often enough to have any real positive impact. Exercise needs to be done at a bare minimum, once a week or it won't make much of a difference to anything. And even that doesn't get you anywhere near the standard target of 30 minutes of moderate exercise, 5 times a week (I don't know if this level of activity is actually what's appropriate for your DH, of course). But rather than being upset because he plays once a month, if anything perhaps you should be encouraging him to play more, not less!

Agree with everyone else - I sympathise with your situation and the anxiety you're feeling, but your DP's golf sounds like a very small part of a busy and complicated family life. Rather than attacking something your husband enjoys and which does him good, I suggest you look at making other lifestyle changes, as PP have suggested.

Thanks again.We worked long hrs as we dont earm much although we are good at budgetting.
Once dd gets a job she can contribute or at least buy her own clothes etc.
Previously i loved my job but my new manager constantly refers to my age and looks.He called me a minger last week.
I know the golf is nt about exercise.I used to briskly walk most eves but Dh would hardly ever do it.I am the slim side of normal weight.Dh is over weight and wont do anything about it.
You are all so right.
Golf once a month is nothing.It was only a problem last yr as i booked hols as dh said he could get anytime off work.
Then the golf dates came through and 3 coincided with my hols!!
The once a month isnt a problem,my job taking up my summer is.Now i ve been told compassionate leave is 2-3 days when Dad or mum die then i cant see the point in staying in the same job.
Thanks for making me see it is my job,cancer,and unemployed teen and not Dhs golf [SMILE].

Your job sounds horrible. No way in hell should your manager be talking to you like that! Especially if it's designed to keep you on the hop and induce you to agree to extra shifts and stuff, as you think your job will be at risk otherwise.

I think you have plenty of food for thought - I'm glad that a reassessment about your job is part of that. It really doesn't sound worth it!

I think the golf thing is the one extra thing in the mix making what you want to do impossible. Almost the straw that breaks the camel's back. But as you are realising it is the smallest of the obstacles.

Your manager sounds like he is sexually harassing and bullying you. Make notes of times he does that. Do you have an HR department? That is absolutely unacceptable.

Your boss called you a minger?

Is this a joke?

Definitely make notes and make an appointment with HR.

Good lord the golf really is a red herring.

You are being treated terribly and are clearly stressed out of your mind.

I really hope things improve and you make changes .

well i agree.I thought i was a control freak(a bit of me is).Last yr i tried to book summer hols in march but couldnt get online (new system.my manager knew this).Eventually he got me on in march.he had allowed a school boy to take 2 and !/2 WEEKS in aug and the other man to take 1 so there was no school hols i could take as my DD was doing A levels! The school boy washed up w ends and agreed to train as a chef to work at the pub.
Everyone knows how he treats me.However i dont agree with being bullied out of things.
<
Last week i worked alone as we are on less staff.I lifted a 3 gallon container off a shelf about 6 ft high.I was in agony from my shoulder for 4 days i couldnt drive for 2.I tried to get cover as no one would and i dont phone in sick.I told him what happened and he agreed it shouldnt be on that shelf.
I asked for accident book.He went upstairs,called me then threw it down!!I had to bend to get it as i cant move my right arm.
I was offered other jobs but what with DH and Dads health decided to carry on.
Also the job is fast paced and pressured even the 30 yr olds and 24 yr old find it stressful and they dont have major problems at home :(

I have been lacking confidence with Dhs anger and ED caused by his heart attack and meds.This is why i havent had sex..not because i am a minger.

Things have a way of sorting themselves out(thanks for all the advice though).
The golf is the straw that broke the camels back.
1.if i didnt get bullied at work for my age or appearance and work silly hrs for low pay
2,iF MY parents didnt have terminal cancer and all its nasty side effects
3 If DH hadnt had a heart attack and anger issues
4 if we had more time together 1 weekend a month wouldnt make any odds at all
5 IF MY Dad wasnt likely to pass away soon i wouldnt be so stressed.

Thank you for making me see it is my job

Your DH has had a heart attack, and you want him not to follow medical advice because it will ruin your social life?

I think you need to take a deep breath and realise your DH is probably just as ill as your parents. He quite possibly isn't taking nearly as much exercise as recommended, if you are making such an objection to golf once per month.

Its really difficult to make out how much you work and when, but you seem to be saying you only work for 3 days per week, including weekends, from 11-11. tbh that would be my idea of dream hours, since in most jobs I've had, I've been expected to do unpaid overtime over and above my standard hours anyway. What on earth do you do the rest of the week, with children at school all day? You must have 4 entire weekdays free of both work and childcare. Why don't you take advanced driving lessons?

"This week i have 2 11till 11s and 1 day."

Then you'll see your DH for four evenings minimum, surely?

Once a month isn't nearly frequent enough for playing golf to make a significant difference to your DH's health. YABU extremely unreasonable to suggest he does even less.

You have more days off work per week than most people do. I appreciate you're stressed and unhappy, but tbh if there's no medical reason you can't drive then why don't you use the extra days to visit your parents? Your kids are teens, they will be at school and surely can look after themselves for a couple of hours in the evening if you're not back.

Advanced lessons is a good idea.I would prefer the Dh to follow the dieatry advice TBH though he says if he dies he dies happy!! It was his 3 arteries that were blocked and stented due to fatty deposits.
believe it or not it is not easy to watch 3 of your loved ones seriously ill for 2 yrs.
It is also my intention to get a life beyond work this yr :)

I do see my parents,Dh gets home about 7 ish then is shattered from a 430 alarm clock.At least we have established it is unreasonable to expect him to not pursue an interest.
i think the fact alot of people i know are newlyweds and do loads together has skewerd my view that we only managed to get out 3 times in 18 months.His sport on the tv takes the other freetime.

At least we have established it is unreasonable to expect him to not pursue an interest.

Poor man. How will you feel if he has another heart attack, and its partly due by his failure to follow medical advice to exercise more?

It is also my intention to get a life beyond work this yr

Is it really not possible for you to fit this life into the 4 days per week that you don't work?

Lots of people have ill parents.

Why don't you accompany your DH to the golf? If you don't want to play, you could go for a walk and then meet up afterwards in the club rooms? Or simply just go out walking together (it doesn't take a genius to work out that's why his doctor suggested golf).

Now this thread has gone off the point(i booked 3 weeks hols last yr and he went to golf on them as the dates are pre arranged) and i have pleaded with to eat healthily as rehab also point out most people who have another HA do so because they go back to bad habits and he has gone back to burgers crisps sweets curries bacon and eggs,apple pie and icecream etc.
The golfing is a mans day which i think is a good idea.