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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I just grin and bear it

38 replies

helpmedotherightthing · 02/02/2015 12:30

I've NC for this...

My DF is in his 80's and we (all siblings plus DH's, children around 20 in total) have taken him our for a meal. I've only been going for around 5 years as previously we lived around 150 miles south.

My DB (who also never attends due to living at the other end of the country) recently found out her had a daughter from a one night stand when he was 20, she also lives locally. Once over the shock, we welcomed her into the family.

She is not a very nice person, very loud and obnoxious and it would take me too long to tell you about what she has done in the last 14 months since we have known her, but we have persevered with accepting her as family. The last straw for me was at the family Christmas meal out where she actually started fighting with some other people in the restaurant. It was truly horrible, we are a quiet family and we were all mortified. The fight resulted in us being asked to leave! Afterwards I had a quite word with her explaining that she would not be welcome to any further meals if she couldn't respect the rest of the family. She didn't take too kindly to this and told me to "fuck off and to take my black bastard's with me"! (My DH is black and I'm white so our dc are mixed race). She was drunk (again) though to me that's no excuse whatsoever.

I've not spoken to her since and whilst some of my siblings speak with her I don't really care if I never see her again. Two of my siblings have encouraged me to let it go... but I can't.

Anyway it's DF birthday meal and she has been invited... I know I should just go and grin and bear it for DF but frankly I don't want my DH or dc anywhere near her.

AIBU to not go...

OP posts:

catsofa · 02/02/2015 19:47

Have there not been family discussions already about whether or not to invite her again after what happened last time, and how you will all handle things if she does behave like that again?

If these conversations have not already happened then they need to happen - simply inviting her again is not respectful of you, your children or your DP. Your family should be ensuring that the gathering is likely to be safe for you all, and if they haven't done anything to ensure this then I would explain to you DF that you don't feel you can attend for this reason, and ask to take him out separately.

Make sure your DB also knows why you're not going.

lljkk · 02/02/2015 20:04

How old is your niece, OP? Gosh, she sounds shocking. Did she have a rough upbringing, why is she like that?

Aranan · 02/02/2015 20:39

Actually yes, I'd be having a cut with whoever invited her and asking them to uninvite her. It's absolutely not fair that you have to either miss your DFs 80th birthday or spend time with a violent racist who has already attacked your children. I feel aggrieved on your behalf!

Aranan · 02/02/2015 20:40

A chat with whoever invited her

CrapBag · 02/02/2015 20:51

Fucking hell!

Do you really need to ask if YABU? Because you aren't you know. 1000000 percent not.

What an utter vile cow she is. I don't care if she has abandonment issues. Your DB knew nothing about her so it's not like he abandoned her anyway. Why the hell is she still being invited when she hit his wife?! I would not like to be his wife. Surely she wants her around less than you do.

I'd take your dad out separately. Invite anyone else you wish to come but make it clear she is not to be invited under any circumstances.

mirren3 · 02/02/2015 21:03

There is no way I would expose my dc or dh to this person, definitely ask/tell whoever invited her to uninvite her......then show them this thread.

TRexingInAsda · 02/02/2015 21:14

YANBU. I would have no further contact with her at all. Have words with whoever invited her, as this seems very unfair on you and your children. She is the one who should be excluded - terrible though that is for her, given her childhood (and I suspect you must have given her many chances because of this), her behaviour just cannot possibly be tolerated.

MoanCollins · 02/02/2015 21:20

Yeah, go with a seperate night out with your Dad. Racial abuse is a deal breaker, you cannot expose your children to someone who says things like that.

Whocansay · 02/02/2015 21:35

I'm glad that you've decided not to go. She sounds the type who enjoys a fight and would go for you if you went.

I wouldn't want to expose my dcs to such a racist either. I'm a bit surprised that anyone would suggest you 'let it go' to be honest. How are you supposed to be polite to someone who thinks that is OK?

Quitelikely · 02/02/2015 21:41

Absolutely disgusting. I can't see a happy ending for her within your family.

Your poor brothers wife!!!

lljkk · 02/02/2015 21:49

(Not that I think OP should grin & bear it)
But I would pity the girl. She must antagonise a lot of people, probably pretty miserable inside self. She's the one who will suffer most from herself.

Original poster

helpmedotherightthing · 02/02/2015 22:27

Right MN has deleted my identifying posts, so a quick recap.

We are not going and will take DF out for tea later in the week.

for those that asked, dsis asked her dd to send the email and she was included so too late to change, she would probably just turn up anyway if we now told her she wasn't welcome.

Yes she's had a terrible life to date by all accounts, her dm didn't want her, she was bought u my her nan who wasn't too bothered either. DB feels guilt about this but he genuinely didn't know since his dd dm moved away and only returned a couple of years ago, which is hen it all came to light.

In light of this we have tried to be forgiving of her actions, but this latest outburst was the final straw for me. I do not want my family anywhere near her.

It truly has been a living nightmare since she arrived into out lives.

OP posts:

GokTwo · 02/02/2015 22:33

There is not a chance that I would socialise with someone like that and I would think it incredibly unfair to expect my black DW to do so. No way. I'd take my DF out separately. She sounds truly horrendous.

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