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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my sons father to visit him at my house

15 replies

Bewilderedme · 01/02/2015 22:19

I split from my sons father a few weeks ago and I'm finding arranging for him to spend time with his Dad really difficult.

My ex has no ambition which means aged 29 he has no home, minimum wage job and hasn't sorted out somewhere where he can have our son. His parents both have lovely houses but he doesn't feel comfortable staying there permanently so alternates between his dad's house, dads second home and mums house. He took a long time to accept our relationship was over and literally wouldn't leave my house. It took him a lot to leave and so I'm hesitant to let him stay at mine at all as I don't want him thinking there's a chance we will get back together, and I don't want him thinking he can just have my son at mine and not bother sorting something out himself.

So I've told him he needs to take my son somewhere if he wants to see him. He's not allowed stay at mine except for an hour or two and definetly not overnight. There is no spare room anyway. Is this reasonable?

My ex is actually a really nice guy. Just not remotely ambitious and could be lazy at times. Our relationship breakdown was my choice and was due to my inability to love him in a romantic way. So not his fault at all. I do feel bad about not letting him stay for a the day at mine. But I really want a clean break

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 01/02/2015 22:21

YANBU - for all the reasons you mention.

Original poster

Bewilderedme · 01/02/2015 22:26

I'm visiting my parents house which is 100 miles away and he wants to come tomorrow to see him. He's taking the day off work which he can't afford, using petrol he can't afford to get here and all this when I'm back on Wednesday and he could come see him then. It's my parents house, they like him but want to be able to relax without having to entertain him as we've all been ill.

He says he doesn't need my permission he has a right to see his son and he will be there at 10am. He's like this when he wants to see him at mine. Just don't know what my rights are :-(

OP posts:

trappedinsuburbia · 01/02/2015 22:34

Im a bit in the same position with my ex so no advice just watching the replies, my ex is not very nice and barges in refusing to leave.

cleanmyhouse · 01/02/2015 22:37

You're not being unreasonable, he is. The sooner you set strong boundaries, the better it will be for everyone.

You're rights are that you are absolutely entitled to say no to his unreasonable demands. He's being manipulative and it sounds like he's able to pull your strings because you feel responsible.

Good luck. It'll all work out.

dalekanium · 01/02/2015 22:38

He does not have a right to see his son.

His son has a right to see his father. Which is not the same.

Parents don't have rights. They have responsibilities.

Your ex has no right to enter your home if you don't want him to. He has a responsibility to organise a suitable venue for contact if he wants to see his son.

Why do you think children's centres run dads clubs on a Saturday, why is McDonald's full of dads and kids on a Saturday?

Don't let him in if you don't want.

cleanmyhouse · 01/02/2015 22:41

Oh. And it sounds like you're giving yourself a really hard time for instigating the break up. I'm sure he contributed towards your romantic feelings for him disappearing. Lazy and lacking in ambition aren't particularly attractive. Give yourself a break. As long as you're beating yourself up, he'll be able to manipulate you and make you feel guilty.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/02/2015 22:51

YANBU at all. It's his responsibility to organise a contact venue. His parents house would be ideal for this.

DancingCrown · 01/02/2015 22:57

Put your foot down over this. The split is new so you are now setting out how you will deal with this situation until ds is an adult. You do not want him turning up at your place for the next ten+ years.

You need to separate out contact, which is for ds' sake, and anything to do with your old relationship. Dad needs to provide a place for him to visit and provide all the stuff he needs (bed, clothes, toys, food etc) and tidy up after, that is his responsibility not yours. Otherwise he will rely on you to provide all the stuff and tidy up after.

When contact is happening this is your chance to a) relax and b) do housework, present wrapping, diy and so on that is tricky when ds is around. Him hanging around will stop you from doing those things. Also sets up a possibility of tension, not good for ds, and the idea that you aren't "really" separated, not good for ds.

Calmly state (by email so you have a record) that contact needs to happen at a time that is convenient to everyone and agreed in advance. Ds needs to get used to seeing you separately. Warn in advance that he will not be staying at yours. If you think he will force his way in, have ds dressed in warm outdoor stuff early and meet him on the doorstep. Have the door locked and say you are going out. Or meet him at soft play/pool/library/supermarket, somewhere with lots of people around so he is less likely to kick off.

Is he really expecting to be welcomed at your parents for the day? Great if everyone still gets on but honestly sounds more like he is trying to dominate your space and make a point.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 01/02/2015 23:03

He says he doesn't need my permission he has a right to see his son and he will be there at 10am. He's like this when he wants to see him at mine. Just don't know what my rights are :-(

Your rights are- no-one, including him, enters your home or your parents home, without your permission!

He spunds like a nasty, arrogant bully. If I were in your position, I would have a solicitor draw up a contact agreement proposal for him. It could state when your ds is free for contact and that (for example) your ex must not enter your home upon collection or return.

Your ex has absolutely no right whatsoever, to dictate anything to you. Please don't let him treat you this way!

MsVestibule · 01/02/2015 23:22

You really need to see a solicitor about this. If you don't feel confident telling him that contact will not take place in your home, your solicitor will send a letter telling him this. I'm sorry if I'm stating the obvious, but it is NOT up to you to provide the venue. Obviously you want to facilitate contact but it sounds as though he isn't making any effort at all.

Has he said why he won't take him to his parents, apart from the fact he can't be bothered?

Original poster

Bewilderedme · 02/02/2015 08:10

Thank for the replies. He does take him to his parents sometimes, and his mum has our son overnight on Fridays anyway to give me a break. But he believes he has a right to see our son whenever he wants and at mine.
And he wants to see him a lot.
When we were together he was actuallly, an amazing guy. Never once was nasty or in any way manipulative.

Us splitting has made him change from a lovely sweet guy to the way he is now. My parents think he's great as obviously when we were together he was.

I know him so well, and u know he is being like this as he feels he has to be assertive inorder to see our son. He wants to make it clear he won't be bullied into not seeing him. Truth is that would never happen as I'm more than happy for him to see our son. Just not at mine at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bewilderedme · 02/02/2015 08:10

Thanks for the advice about the solicitor. How much would such a letter cost?

OP posts:

Nolim · 02/02/2015 08:13

Yanbu.
I dont know how much a solicitor cost but you should contact one.

petalsandstars · 02/02/2015 08:17

Don't be bullied by him.

He's due at your parents uninvited today at 10?

you've got an hour to get sorted and leave the house for a day out

Send him the message that this is unacceptable and you will not let him dictate to you.

Thegreatunslept · 02/02/2015 08:29

When my dp and his ex split he was sleeping on sofas between his mums house and dads house until he had saved enough for a daeposit for s rental house. He took his dd out every week at the arranged time he never stayed at his ex's house.
He said he spend a lot of time at soft play

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