To think some people can't cope with children acting like children?

[periwinkleshoes]

My friend is pregnant with her second DC. Her first is a DS just turned 3.

I have an 8 year old, a 5 year old, and am pregnant with DC3.

Friend's DS can be a handful, but no more than any other child. However she constantly complains about his behaviour, says he is horrible to other children, he only misbehaves with her, she doesn't know what to do with him. I have always reassured her that it's hard but it does get better.

He does normal toddler things- running off, not sitting in his seat, snatching a toy.Friend will say things like 'look at that, I mean how am I meant to stop that'- but she doesn't DO anything. She just sits there

Yesterday we met for coffee. Her DS was a bit excitable at first, but the waitress brought out some crayons and a colouring book, and he settled pretty well.

That evening, my friend rang me, and had a massive tirade about how awful her DS was, how impossible his behaviour was. I tried to reassure her, as I always do, said it was just normal behaviour. I told her a few anecdotes about my eldest at a similar age, who was an absolute demon, but is now very quiet and shy,and how nobody believes me when i say how difficult they were when younger

It was like speaking to a brick wall. She just kept saying 'but he does this..he does that..I mean how am I meant to stop that'

I suggested a few books/techniques that helped me with my eldest. She said 'well none of that will work with DS' and words to that effect

AIBU to think how does she know if she hasn't TRIED anything?

Firstly, her DS's behaviour is pretty normal- other people apart from me have told her that

Secondly, she makes no effort to TRY to sort the issues she has with him- she just assumes it won't work? He runs off a lot, and ages ago I suggested one of those little backpacks with the reins attached- she said 'he'll just lie there and tantrum'.

I feel like a bitch for saying this, but I'm really losing patience with her. All she seems to do these days is complain about her DS. She does it in front of him too. It's like she has no concept that X behaviour is normal, but you still might want to do Y to sort it out/make it easier for yourself. I think she expected her baby to emerge from the womb with perfect manners, & she is confused and aghast when that doesn't happen

I think you sound like a smug, judgemental piece of work tbh.

Your friend is pregnant and has a three year old. This is her first child, so each stage is new. She's tired, hormonal and you seem to have a stunning lack of empathy to be unable to see that.

You've never moaned about your toddlers' behaviour? How perfect you are

Maybe she doesn't understand that these behaviours are normal or to 'pick your battles' but aren't we allowed to make mistakes? Particularly when vulnerable?

She sounds like she needs a break. You say she bonded with him, she's not an awful mother really is she, so offer to have her toddler over to play while she puts her feet up if you are such a concerned friend.

Alteredbeast Did you read the OP properly or are you just making shit up.

We've all bemoaned our toddlers, OP either pointed out her own dc's less than perfect behavior.

OP is worried that the constant moaning about how awful he is, is damaging the poor boy.

Remember the OP is pregnant too and probably hormonal too.

Oh RTFT altered, especially the bit where I talk about how MY eldest was incredibly hard work as a toddler! I didn't say she was an awful mother- she's not.

Maybe you think that talking about how dreadful your DC is (right in front of them, constantly) is a great parenting tactic, but I don't think it's advisable, especially when the child in question is just behaving normally

I wonder of maybe she has a touch of anxiety and she's possibly magnifying his behaviour in her head and then looking for reassurance from you about it with the phone call?

If she's worried that she's not making a difference to his behaviour she could be over sensitive to anything he does, hence the over reacting?

Do you go to her house much? I was wondering if you know her dp/dh and have seen what he's like with both her and her ds. Is there any chance that there are problems in their relationship and he is making things difficult for her? Does he want instant obedience too - not only from their ds but her as well? Is she forever apologising for her ds's behaviour at home too? Is she now paranoid because she's been made to feel as though everything their ds does is her fault?

The reason I ask is I went out shopping with a friend once, we got caught in traffic and she was absolutely frantic and panicking that she wouldn't be home in time to make his tea and tidy the house before he got home, because that's how he liked it and would get cross when things weren't just the way he wanted them. Until that moment, I had no idea their relationship was like that, and it explained a lot of other little things she did as well.

Your friend sounds worn down, she says he only misbehaves when he's with her so maybe you're not actually seeing his bad behaviour. My own DD always behaved badly with me and was much much better around others. It's really frustrating when nobody around you knows how hard your daily battles are, I was desperate for someone to see what DD was really like because I felt like I was going mad/imagining things as the people around me just didnt see her bad behaviour, which made me feel very lonely.

I haven't read the whole thread but can sympathise with your friend a bit. I find the 1 to 3 years stage soooo hard as it's almost just like herding sheep some of the time. I have a 19 month old who runs off and is also like Houdini so can get out of her pram straps, high chair, car seat etc. I also have two older ones and really resent little dd sometimes when I literally just have to pop into school for twenty mins and she won't be distracted by anything, climbs out of her pram, runs off, or screams blue murder if I try to make her walk next to me or restrain her in anyway. I come out feeling exhausted and I'm not even pregnant your friend has that to contend with too.

I know it's normal and I don't moan too much but if dd is still like that at 3 I will be tearing my hair out!!

My older dc were similarly minded at that age and I find them really easy and have great relationships with them now age 6 and 9!

Moaning about him - fine. Doing it in front of him - confidence wrecking and soul destroying. The risk is that he is going to become a sad little boy who believes that he is bad, and that there is no point trying, as he can do nothing right. And then his behaviour will really go off.