to not let bfs dad dictate how I parent ds

[jemima1988]

something has just happen that has really pissed me off!

We are staying at my bfs dad's I am trying to stop co sleeping with my 4 months old DS. whenever he falls asleep now I want him going onto his bed so he gets used to being alone.
up to now I have fed him to sleep then he has slept with me. I want to get him used to sleeping alone then I will tackle self settling.
bfs dad knows this as 30 mins ago I was telling him about a book I was reading that looked at getting babies into a sleeping routine without them screaming. (he thinks this is the 1 and only way of doing things)

I DO NOT WANT OR BELIEVE IN LETTING MY BABY SCREAM

so I feed ds he's asleep and he goes into his bed 5-6 mins later he wakes up. bfs dad moves the bed near to help blocking me and starts talking to ds. ds is obviously still tired and bfs dad tries to talk him to sleep which is fine until my son starts screaming and he refuses to pick him up and starts shouting back!! I tell him to pick him up and he wouldn't so I went round and cuddled him bfs dad stormed out the room saying he will never learn

my son had pooed and that's why he was crying.

AIBU to think my son my parenting either follow it or do 1?

I don't think there is ever really an acceptable explanation for raising your voice to a 4 month old. I can understand why a tired, stressed mother might do so if she really was at the end of her tether, but not the grandad.

I would stop visiting, or let your bf go on his own. And print off some info about controlled crying for your bf to read, which explains that it isn't something you try with a 4 month old.

Umm I think you need to remember that 'your' Ds is just as much your BFs DS

So she should shut up and do as she is told and let her baby cry because her boyfriend who presumably isn't getting up and breastfeeding the baby says she should?

fuckofgroundhog thank you I'm glad you agree I would let him have much more say about night time routine if it affected him in anyway

kawliga why would I not stay with family? this has never happened before obviously

At four months you really just do what works for you and your baby. If that is co-sleeping then so be it. It wasn't my choice, but I know it is for many people.

Your bf's dad is probably just a chip off the old block, I am guessing? There is no reason not to stay overnight with him. Just establish some boundaries so that he is in no doubt that you will care for your baby as YOU see fit.

I certainly stayed occasionally with family when my babies were that age. Sometimes advice was offered which was not required, but I simply nod and smile, then carry on doing my own thing regardl

why would I not stay with family? this has never happened before obviously

Now I'm even more confused. Are you saying this was a one-off kind of situation? In that case I agree with Topseyt. Nod and smile. I thought this was more of an ongoing problem, so I was wondering why would put yourself in that situation.

Your OP was a bit confusing. If your bf's dad just offered unsolicited advice, he is not trying to dictate how you parent. He is trying to be helpful? Nod and smile.

If your bf's dad has form for disagreeing with you in your parenting, on top of your disagreement with your bf, plus shouting at the baby, you don't have to overnight there.

I think it's okay for people to have different parenting methods. I wouldn't consider someone to be a bad mother if they tried controlled crying at that age.

However, people don't get to enforce their parenting styles onto other people's children.

I would say probably stop visiting for overnight stays.

Oh come on he was only trying to help! My mum has said to me on many occasions 'they'll never learn' I didn't find it upsetting or offensive as she was genuinely trying to be helpful.

Except he didn't do that, did he? He prevented the op from getting to her CRYING baby, refused to comfort the baby himself, & then shouted at her for wanting to comfort him, further distressing the already upset baby!

That is so far removed from that your mother said to you!! Aside from that, what do 4mth old babies have to 'learn' that they need to be punished by being left to cry & getting so upset?

You can't just expect a co sleeping baby to all of a sudden start sleeping alone IMO. There is nothing written here by the op that suggests she is trying to achieve that! She is trying to stop co-sleeping, and is trying to get the hang of it, she isn't expecting her baby to just start sleeping by himself.

Umm I think you need to remember that 'your' Ds is just as much your BFs DS When the bf is getting up in the night, helping to feed & look after his ds (i.e giving his dad a piece of his mind for the way he treated his son & gf) THEN he suggest as to who best to try to settle their baby! If he isn't helping with the everyday things, he isn't actually much of a dad, to be fair!

kawliga Why are you concentrating so much on where the op sleeps & why she chooses to sleep there? Why not tackle the issue that op is asking about, namely that her bf's father is undermining her parenting, her confidence & is an arse for preventing her from comforting her upset baby & adding to his distress by yelling at her!

Your OP was a bit confusing. If your bf's dad just offered unsolicited advice, he is not trying to dictate how you parent. He is trying to be helpful? Nod and smile. No, it really wasn't confusing. And her bf's father wasn't offering "advice"

OP put her baby down to sleep, he didn't settle & cried. Her bf's dad moved the bed so op couldn't get to her baby & her FIL (for want of a shorter term) refused to comfort the baby (as she couldn't get to him) and then proceeded to shout at the op, further distressing the child.

The op then goes on to stay that she has stayed at the FILs before, but this situation (FIL being an arse) and not arisen before. Perhaps they stay at the house as they want to? Really, have you never stayed at a relatives house before?

And perhaps, once she was there, getting out of staying overnight wasn't as easy as you think it was.

Kawliga, in the OP she clearly says they were staying with bf's Dad and in subsequent posts clarified further that they visit some weekends. What is confusing there?

Also, I would hardly define the bf's dad trying to block the OP from reaching her distressed baby and shouting and storming off as just offering unsolicited advice. More like attempting to force HIS way as the only way.

To pre-empt you, yes I was offered unsolicited advice as most of us are at some point. Yes, I did nod and smile, then do my own thing. It was not forced on me in any way though, and if it had been then I certainly would have been much more angry and reactive. Don't try to suggest I said or implied something I didn't.

They stayed with a family member who they have not previously had a problem with. There's a first time for everything if it is going to happen. Just set out boundaries.

As for staying in hotels, not everyone has the money on tap for that. Also, I know that if I went to visit my parents and stayed in a hotel instead of with them then they would be hurt by it.

Not as black and white as some people seem to think. I doubt that the dad meant any harm, but he overstepped the mark and was much too forceful.