To wish that MIL would just fuck off and when she gets there, fuck off a little bit more

[Fleetfoxes]

I really am at the end of my tether with MIL!! She's so controlling. I've just had the mother of all rows with her due to my washing being out on the washing line for, shock horror, two whole days (due to a busy working life). What has it got to do with her anyway??

She was rooting through our bins the other day to make sure that we were putting all recyclable items in the right bin and completely went off her tits because we had discarded some pizza crusts which is "terrible waste" and we should've eaten them.

She had another ther go because, apparently, DD (20 months) never gets to go outside. She goes outside for a relevant amount of time depending on when I'm not at work and if she's well enough (she's had numerous chest infections and pneumonia last month so no, maybe I don't want her outside all day every fucking day when it's struggling to get above freezing)

She happily chews my lug off but when it comes to her youngest DD (favourite) ohhhhhhh well she can do no wrong. Despite the fact her kids were sat inside all day, everyday on an Xbox through out the glorious spring and summer that we had last year whilst my DD only went inside when it was time to go to bed. She's just said to me "you should take a leaf out of Emma's (N/C) book, her kids get plenty of fresh air". Pffffftttt they must download it then!!

She has a real issue with my DM, accuses her of being lazy and not working (she was a HCA for 20+ years and has recently had to give up due to ill health, momentarily she works in a tea garden). My mum looks very good for her age and in the summer wears, can you believe it, SHORTS! Now, nobody else has a problem with this but MIL thinks it DISCUSTING! Her fashion police radar is going off the fecking wall. She never shuts up about my DM being all fur coat and no knickers (entirely untrue) and has told me that I shouldnt be letting DD spend too much time with her as she's impressionable and last week she was (DD 20 months) stood in MILs doorway dancing, "ugh look at her stood there dancing like that, you're going to be just like your granny" FFS it's what toddlers do you old battle axe. Fucking hell you've bought up 4 kids and lived to see 7 grandchildren grow up through the toddling years have you not learnt anything ?!

She lives just up the street from us and our freezer is on the blink so we are using Hers. I bought all of my freezable items earlier on in the week and most of the meat was from lidl. She has since been through the freezer, rang DP and told him that I should be ashamed of myself buying meat from lidl as I come from a farming family and should be supporting local businesses (which I do as often as I can, when I can afford it but I'm not going to starve my family For the sake of pride)

DP always stands up for me and has told me that she's had control of *Emma and thinks she can do it to everyone else too.

WWYD? Are all MILs like this to some extent?? Am I just being hypersensitive.

[WitchWay]

Great rant! I laughed out loud too at "downloading fresh air" & especially liked "went off her tits"

She sound a right pain! Agree slightly with her about uneaten thrown-away pizza crusts - we feed them to the birds

Enjoy your lovely new freezer

[fermerswife]

My MIL gets on my wick with how things should be done and constantly talking about her favourite child and grandchild with never a mere mention of mine so I can empathise there but for me the final straw in what you've said is the comments about your mother. Those are disgraceful and a whole other ball game than just the annoying stuff. Next time she says anything like that I would tell her to get out and stay out. I can't believe anyone would actually say those things to someones face!

[CrystalHaze]

Why would you continue to have anything to do with someone she rude and insulting? Why eould you want you child to witness such disrespectful behaviour.

YABVVVU to have not told her to fuck off and not come back until she has acquired done manners and stopped insulting you and your family.

But really, are there genuinely people who behave and speak like this? How come she hasn't had a lifetime of being smacked in the gob?

[whothehellknows]

No fucking way somebody would be allowed access to my kids if they spoke about my mother that way! If she can't keep a civil tongue in her head, I can't see any reason to speak to her at all. If people allow her to behave this way, she has no reason to stop.

[WiiUnfit]

Ouch! No, thankfully not all MILs are like that. You need to stand your ground OP, tell her you will not accept any further criticism of you, DD or your DM.

What has your DP said? He should be wording his "D"M and telling her to back off.

[Charlotte3333]

My MIL has had her moments over the years. She's very controlling and likes to know everything we're doing/have done. And she had so many unkind opinions about the fact I had a child from a previous relationship, which clearly didn't bother DH or he'd never have married me in the first place.

Fortunately we seem to have got through it and she's now getting better at butting out and biting her lip. It helps that I'm quite dry and not afraid to tell her when she's getting on my nerves. At SIL's wedding last month one of my children shouted to MIL "Nanna, Mummy called you an old crow this morning, didn't you Mummy?" and everyone in the registry office fell about laughing. Rather than being embarrassed I just nodded and said "sometimes Nanna gets on my nerves, sometimes I get on Nanna's nerves, I just admit it more".

Take the piss out of her, tell her when she speaks badly of your Mum that she's out of order. People do these things because they can get away with them. Call her out on it and she'll realise you're not a child to be dictated to.

[Ijustworemytrenchcoat]

I'm livid on your behalf that she speaks about your mother like that! The first thing I would do is nip that in the bud, what a cow.

[KnittedJimmyChoos]

agree with caron and you have left her to this for too long.

rather being in an arguing situation and argy bargy it needs stopping.

also agree about someone being so rude about my mother and even linking it to the child.

[Larrytheleprechaun]

Why is she so involved in your life? Dont give her the chance to root through the bins. You can remain politely distant (although I dont think she deserves it at this stage). Make her toe the line. If she cant keep a civil tongue in her when she is in your house make her leave. Escort her to the front doorstep that fast that she doesnt know what happened.

Everything else is bad but saying your mother is all fur coat and no knickers. Jesus Christ. I am the worlds biggest doormat but I would have murdered her for that. I bet the kids enjoy their time with Shorts wearing Fun Nana in than grumpy Nana with a face like a stopped clock.

[ChickenMe]

Oh blimey she sounds completely bonkers and you have to ask-what purpose does she serve? i would go NC. These people need consequences. Don't engage with her. It clearly doesnt work-in fact she probably enjoys it. She's not afraid. And while you're about it post the pizza crusts through her letterbox-if she feels that strongly about them she can eat them.

[wheresthelight]

Not all mill's are like this I promise!! mine died when dd was 9 weeks old but was amazing!! She was a proper matriarch (think Nellie Boswell in Bread) and had her strong opinions but she also knew that she had zero hope of controlling me and actually had a heck of a lot more respect for me than her other dil's because I stood up to her.

however there does have to be a some leniency given to the fact that as dil's we do tend to have a lower tolerance for the idiosyncrasies of our mill's than our own mothers and some mother's of sons have a hard time letting go of their control of the boys, almost oedipus in reverse.

[Discopanda]

Go on Freecycle, Gumtree or a FB selling site and get a cheap/free second hand freezer asap so you don't have to deal with this mental woman as much!
She sounds a lot like my MIL, when DD was first born she was BF on demand every 2 hours for at least half an hour at a time so that combined with changes, naps, etc meant that I could only get her out of the house for an hour a day, my delightful MIL accused me of damaging my child's health.
Not all MILs are mental and yours should definitely stop slagging off your mum.

[Bumbiscuits]

If she mentions your mum again, you calmly say "that's my mum you're talking about and I don't appreciate you running her down like that", then shut down the conversation.

The freezer went at my work while the boss was away and I got one from Gumtree for £20 to keep us going until boss came back. I suggest you have a look for bargains. Freezers go cheap because they're hard to get rid of. Remember though if you do buy a second hand freezer, don't switch it on for 24 hours after it is in place. The gasses in them need to settle, I believe, otherwise there is a chance it will conk out.

Your DP needs to tell her to back off and stop being so nasty.

[pluCaChange]

No freezer, no access to your house.

No disgustingly rude comments about your DM (and your DD, for that matter!)

I don't normally say people are "unhinged," since it's a very over-used MN diagnosis, but, honestly, she sounds pathologically malicious and interfering. Larrytheleprechaun is probably right with that comment that "the kids enjoy their time with Shorts wearing Fun Nana in than grumpy Nana with a face like a stopped clock." Meanwhile, your SIL seems like another pretty sharp contrast, to you.

These contrasts scare and infuriate her. Nothing but jealous/embarrassed hatred (or mental illness) could explain her extreme reactions to you and your side of the family (now spilling over onto your DD).

If you disengaged from her, you would both be happier. Let your DH consider that!

[ChickenMe]

Lol at "face like a stopped clock". Using that one.

[ApprenticeViper]

I would be putting as much distance between me and her as possible, both physically and metaphorically. I would even move house if that was possible!

If you can't move house, I would refuse to allow her to visit. DP can take DD to visit her whenever he likes, on the condition that neither you nor your DM are bad-mouthed. Your MIL needs to learn that she can't just say what she wants without consequence.

I feel really sorry for you and

[Showy]

She sounds terrible and I sympathise. You should reduce contact and increase boundaries.

"If I'm honest, I think she needs a good shag". I despise this as a sentiment however. It is misogynistic. Unkindness is not symptomatic of celibacy and a woman's problems cannot be fixed by a man's magic willy.

[hettie]

You so need to move

[Didactylos]

have a few prepared phrases that you can come out with? though possibly not the thread title

I have a relative who has form for saying the most insulting and shocking/inappropriate things, its taken me a long time to realise she tends to ambush you, and rely on the element of surprise to have you so gobsmacked that you don't challenge her in your shock, and then spend the rest of the day brooding/ fuming, thinking of the incident and having that whole esprit descalier thing. Which is what she wants - my relative wants to be the focus of your attention and she likes to unsettle and drag you down. Because then shes won and can feel superior or something.

Ive found having a few prepared replies really takes the wind out of her sails because she knows her darts haven't hit. I don't give her a reaction or emotion, or get drawn into arguments about the substance of what she is saying - all I aim to do is reflect back and highlight how mad/bad her behaviour is. I take the I and any emotions out of it- eg I will reply like ' What, youve been snooping through my drawers again?' rather than 'I cant belive/am so angry you have been looking through my personal stuff' or instead of ' I wont sit here and listen to that' I will ask 'Do you really think its acceptable to insult X to my face?'

this might be worth a try - instead of reacting and fuming take control
'You really went through my bins to find something to criticize?'
'Do you think insulting my mother to my face is acceptable behaviour?'
'Is there a reason you spend all your time comparing us to SIL?'
people say the 'Did you mean to be so rude' MN reply is artificial but it does the same thing - as does 'Excuse me?' and a pause

and then silence: Let her fill it - she will either apologise/mutter/climb down or she will ramp it up/be a bitch and try and provoke you further. But if you are prepared for that - stay cold, say you arent discussing it, ask her why shes picking a fight. Make it about her and her behaviour, not defensive of yours.

[LittleBairn]

ANYONE bitching about my mother in that manner would be told to fuck off and not to come back until they can give me a sincere apology and a promise never to speak about her negatively again.
You need to stop arguing with her because you are not being heard TELL her that she may not behave in this manner or she leaves.

[molyholy]

I would not allow ANYBODY to talk about my mum like that. She sounds like an interfering old witch who is VERY jealous of your mum. Tell her to FUCK RIGHT OFF and if she falls out with you, then good!

[SuggestmeaUsername]

Show her this thread on MN! she might get the message then

[BeCool]

Gosh what a nightmare.

Don't argue with her - there is no need & it just engages and feeds her. Make statements "that is rude/unacceptable/wrong/none of your business etc" and then move away, don't engage with her reply.

I'd try going Zero tolerance on her, but remain painfully neutral about it. i.e. call her out on EVERYTHING as and when she says it - make your response using whatever language you want to, but with a neutral voice tone, and then move away from her, leave it with her.

Repeat as required.

[ChoochiWoo]

she sounds excessively deranged i would have disowned mil before most of that.

[SunnyBaudelaire]

how dare she!?
but you know she only does it because she is allowed to get away with it!
Where is your partner in all this?
Would he support you if you told her to fuck off? you have to do this!