AIBU to ask for your take on this?

[namechange123456]

NC and was in two minds about posting but it is about someone's sexual orientation and since that's none of my business (apart from where it impacts on me, which will be my question) I don't want or need to discuss IRL. Will be brief as on tablet.

New colleague started 6 months ago. I work closely with him and we sit next to each other in a small space. After a couple of weeks and some things he said I assumed he was gay. Some of the factors include being late 40s, never married, lots of female friends that he meets for coffee and coddles and some personal preferences as well. I therefore hadn't been too worried about stuff like legs brushing, hands touching accidentally etc and as he is a very warm person, touches on the shoulder (which he initiated - I am very protective of my personal space I am always careful not to make someone else uncomfortable) and so on, whereas having seen a few mishaps in the office and people gossiping about others I am always very careful with most male colleagues in a way that i dont care with my female colleagues. And I know the ridiculousness of that, being bi myself, as anyone can be with anyone, but that is how things work in our office. Not without cause tbh as a significant minority are shagging each other right left and centre!

Over the past few months our boss has made a couple of cracks about me attracting older men like my colleague. I just shrugged it off as I wasn't about to gossip about someone's orientation.

I have spent the whole of today with colleague out of the office, the first time we have spent so much time together since I split up with my boyfriend a few months back. Two days ago he made a completely out of character 'joke' to our boss about straight top shelf magazines. it was so out of character (he's a gentle, feminist leftie) that neither of us knew what to say... it felt like he was trying to make a point but i wasnt sure what it was. He made several comments today about how attractive a number of women were, more comments about propositioning a previous female colleague and generally acted a bit boorish and completely out of character. By 3pm I had decided I'd definitely made the wrong assumption and felt like a bit of a tit but he tried to help me with my bag on the train home and our hands collided and he went bright red. I then endured 2 more hours of him telling me all these stories about how attractive various women were.

I'm very tired so not sure if I'm being an idiot. I think I need to observe the same bounds of propriety as I do with my other straight colleagues (there are some openly gay guys in the office and we are all more relaxed together as there's no hint that we could suddenly jump into the sack). But then I'm worried that I'm overthinking this. But then if he is straight I actually wouldn't be comfortable with the amount of casual touching and relaxing of personal space that we have. But if he isn't then I don't want to cause offense by suddenly being a bit more stand-offish.

I suspect am being an idiot but I'll post anyway and go with the majority.

In your situation I'd think he was closeted or wanting work to think he was straight, some other colleague had made it clear they thought he was gay and the comments are him trying to correct (or deny) that assumption.

I would also scale back the physical contact as it sounds like it's making you uncomfortable now whatever his orientation.

Goodness me op you are tying yourself in knots a bit here aren't you?
I would have thought that in a working environment, the sexuality of individuals is completely irrelevant. Convincing ones colleagues that one is gay, bi or straight is quite unnecessary. As you say, any inappropriate touching or comments should not be encouraged. And it would be far better in my opinion if you all got down to some work and stopped agonising over what ideas this one or that one is hatching in their head.
It's nobody's business at work what one likes in a sexual partner.
Just do your jobs!

Hatespiders I think I'm just very very very tired, through doing my job actually! Worked a 12 hour day today and am shattered (busy week of similar hours). I am not like this normally hence the NC.

I am not one of the gossips but there are a lot of them and I do agree they should do some bloody work. Especially after a day like today

Ebony yes, actually you are right, I am beginning to feel uncomfortable regardless as there are only a couple of colleagues I would act like that with an they aren't really colleagues - I have known them for years and we are good friends outside work.

I agree with HateSpiders.

Try not to overthink it OP! I'm sure when you're not so tired it won't be so complicaed.

You talk about sexual orientation as if it is an all or nothing thing. It really isn't. He might be bisexual. Or might be confused and/or lonely. Or might normally be gay but feels attracted to you. Or might be totally dysfunctional and not conduct relationships with anyone. No one on mumsnet can tell you which it is. But in terms of how you conduct yourself, best not to assume anything.

namechange this is for you I know what it is to be dog tired.

Straight/gay/bi/whatever - his behaviour today, and the joke re top-shelf magazine, mean it's totally appropriate for you to be more cautious, and more protective of your personal space around him.

Thanks Hatespiders you've just reminded me I have a bottle of nice white wine in the fridge, cheers!

Thanks decaf you are right. He made some horribly bitchy comment today about a colleague who massively flouts our dress code and dresses like she was going to a nightclub and doesn't actually do much work - genuinely spends her days painting her nails and doing her hair at her desk, she even has a mirror there (who I have a problem with because we work with customers and are contractually obliged to the code - she can wear what she likes in her own time) that what she needed was "some horribly possessive boyfriend who would make her cover up". To which I pointed out that would be abuse and she could wear whatever the hell she liked as long as she hadn't actually signed up to a code of conduct, and was being paid, to do otherwise. I was a bit repulsed to be honest. I never thought he would say something like that.

Are you male or female? Not that it makes much difference. You're worried the person is attracted to you, right?

I agree that you're tired and a bit stressed, so may be overthinking, but I think that this isn't primarily about his sexual orientation, but about him acting like a twat. You felt safe with him in your personal space because his being gay (as you thought) meant that he'd never act inappropriately with you or cause you to feel as though you had to deal with his being attracted to you.

I think that the real issue isn't whether he's gay or straight, it's whether you think he's enough of a decent human being to act appropriately with you, whether or not he's attracted to you. If you found out he was straight, but you could guarantee that he would never act inappropriately around you or make you uncomfortable, would that make a difference? Or if you absolutely knew he was gay, but he continued to make inappropriate comments about other women, would you be comfortable around him?

The issue, to me, is that you feel you've relaxed your usual concerns about personal space because you were comfortable around him, but now you're less comfortable. So, pull him up when he makes you uncomfortable - don't make it about his sexual orientation, but about his behaviour.