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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send DS (2) to wedding abroad because I can't go? WWYD?

45 replies

KatherineClifton · 29/01/2015 16:20

SIL is getting married abroad (2-3 hour flight) this summer when DS will be just 2. DH, DS and I were all planning to go over for a few days, but I have recently found out that I am pregnant, so I definitely won't be able to go, as will be approx. 35 weeks.

We were originally thinking that DH could just go with DS, but, on reflection, we both think this is a bad idea because the wedding is in the evening, so DH will end up missing most of it with putting DS to bed and sitting with him, plus he's worried the travel may be tricky on his own with DS. It's also going to be very hot and DS won't really know anyone else there, as he doesn't see his gps very often, as they live a long way away. I also (selfishly?) don't really want to be away from DS for 3 nights, while he is abroad, although he will obviously be with DH.

Anyway, we're both a bit worried about telling PILs about the pregnancy, as MIL in particular is very excited about the wedding, and I feel like she will ask about whether we're coming to the wedding immediately. DH will definitely go, but would you send DS too? DH and I both think it would be in everyone's best interests if DS doesn't go, but I know PIL will be disappointed if DS isn't there (less so me, haha!)

WWYD?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2015 17:50

There wouldn't be a cat-in-Hell's chance I would take my DGC on a flight abroad on my own.

He doesn't know the meaning of sitting down, let alone sitting still and is very vocal when thwarted. The flight would be beyond traumatic. Not all babies/toddlers are easy to handle or amenable.

Both of you are happy to keep him at home so I don't see the problem.

Bettybodybooboo · 29/01/2015 17:51

Bit harsh there Hissy some parents don't actually want their toddlers away from them for 3 days!

I would have hated it. Maybe the poster would too. My advice all stay home and safe and enjoy the photos!

Original poster

KatherineClifton · 29/01/2015 17:51

slithythove - yes, that's exactly how i feel about it, but you've explained it more succintly!

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 29/01/2015 17:52

"i took my DS (20m) to NYC for 10 days for my Dsis wedding, an 11 hour flight from where I lived at the time. We stayed with people i had never met before, borrowed a cot, and pottered about. I settled him myself every.night. I even managed to dress and feed him."

Well, bully for you.

Bettybodybooboo · 29/01/2015 17:55

Mmm well if the parents and sil are very upset they are bloody selfish.

Your pregnancy/health trumps a bloody wedding every day.

If they can't see that then tough!

You choose to get married abroad that's the risk you take.

If you were my dil I would be pissed off with my son leaving you so heavily pregnant and my dds would understand.

Some people are vainly insane about their weddings.

Bettybodybooboo · 29/01/2015 17:58

You sound so nice op by the way.

Original poster

KatherineClifton · 29/01/2015 18:05

Thank you, bettybody, so do you!

I don't want to do PIL a disservice by making it sound like they wouldn't care about their unborn gc etc., because of course they would, but equally I think this year is being viewed as SIL's year, iyswim, although obviously life goes on for everyone else.

I agree that if you get married abroad then you have to expect that some won't be able to attend for various reasons. If it was in the UK we would all obviously be going.

OP posts:

Bettybodybooboo · 29/01/2015 18:11

Oh it's definatly a tricky one that's granted.

I think I would probably shove the telling onto your dh and keep ds with you. Dh can enjoy a care free few days and after baby comes make sure you dine out on that for years

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 29/01/2015 18:18

I think the best bet is talk to sil rather than pil and explain that whilst you'll be gutted to miss it, you can't go, and DH may have to cancel at short notice - and buy a refundable ticket/ good insurance...

Personally if it was me, none of us would be going as 35 weeks in a high risk pregnancy with possibility of early baby is too much of a stretch....

Make a big thing about its sil's day and you wouldn't want dramas to overshadow that so you'll take the sensible option and look forward to seeing them later to see wedding photos and for them to meet new dc

sunnydayinmay · 29/01/2015 18:39

I think this is completely your call. I wouldn't send him - I hated being away overnight from DS1 at that age, he would have hated it.

pippop1 · 29/01/2015 18:45

I wouldn't mention to PIL that your parents will have DS. Only say if asked.

Original poster

KatherineClifton · 29/01/2015 18:51

Yes, good idea, pippop.

And sunnyday - thanks for saying that; it's how i feel too. I really hate the idea of DS being away from me for 3 days, and in another country, in a place i've never been to, even though he'll be with DH. I didn't know whether i was being VU thinking that though, as I see him all the time, and his gps don't see him too often.

OP posts:

littleleftie · 29/01/2015 18:55

If you and DH don't want DS to go then just tell them. I don't imagine the bride and groom will be devastated ( no offence) and it is their day, not MILS or FILS.

Let them get the hump if they must, it sounds like you have more important things to concern yourself with - congratulations

hiccupgirl · 29/01/2015 19:11

I would keep DS at home with you and send DH on his own tbh. Especially if you can to your parents and have some help while he's away.

We took our DS to a close friend's wedding locally at 2.5 and he was a nightmare. He couldn't cope with all the hanging around and waiting, was over tired and over stimulated and we had to leave as he was starting to throw the biggest tantrum ever. Some 2 yr olds are happy to be dragged anywhere and have a nap in a pushchair. If you know yours isn't one of these then your DH will more than likely end up stuck in a hotel room with an overtired screaming child while everyone else is having fun at the wedding.

OneDayMySleepWillCome · 29/01/2015 19:20

Agree with the majority, no way if send him! I can just about bear my 2yo being at my parents for one night but not more than that at this age. And certainly not in another country. Also agree that it's abit of a stretch for dh even to be going. I had my first dc a week overdue yet my 2nd was 4 weeks early. But that's not what you were asking. No you're def not being unreasonable not sending ds. Lots of luck for your pregnancy x

TheEfficiencyMovement · 30/01/2015 00:26

I'm sure they would be fine if they both went but I don't really see the point. It's more relaxing for everyone if you DS stays home. How about telling your PIL and SIL that you you will all visit whe the baby is six months old (or whatever suits you). Tell them you can all have a late celebration of you SILs marriage and that they can all meet the new baby. You could stay a bit longer than three days too.

Jengnr · 30/01/2015 01:24

I think I'd probably send my husband on his own. Two year olds are hard work at weddings.

Jengnr · 30/01/2015 01:27

I'd send my husband on his own. Two year olds are hard work at weddings.

musicalendorphins2 · 30/01/2015 04:14

Another vote for your dh going alone.

HicDraconis · 30/01/2015 07:04

You'll be around 35 weeks into a high risk pregnancy?

I wouldn't go. DS wouldn't go either - I remember the later stages of pregnancy with DS2 and I wanted DS1 with me all the time. Something to do with being about to turn his life upside down by adding a sibling to the mix, feeling very guilty that he was going to have to share me, wanting to enjoy the last few weeks of "only-ness" while I had them, who knows. I definitely wouldn't have wanted him an aeroplane ride away!

DH wouldn't go either (I just asked him). He says it wouldn't be fair to leave me late in pregnancy if it was high risk and it might take up to a day to get back if anything happened. He'd give his apologies, know his family would accept that the new baby and I were his priorities at that time and that we would all get together when things were settled.

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