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AIBU?

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Original poster

4 yr old sexual behaviour - aibu to be worried??

23 replies

Gangie · 29/01/2015 15:17

Wasnt sure where to put this!

Ok so my son is just gone 4 and a few months back there was an issue with him and his 2 cousins (one is also 4 and the other is almost 6). While I was playing a game with my lo he mentioned 'willy licking' that when they play in the garden, they sometimes do 'willy licking'. I was shocked and worried and wracked my brains as to where he could have seen or heard such a thing. By the way, its not even a jokey term that me and oh use, just in case anyone thinks he may have overheard. Anyway he has never to our knowledge walked in on us dtd or seen anything inappropriate, and we dont have sky tv so it couldn't be that porn could have been accidentally viewed. Also we dont have a porn stash or any such thing!

So I figured that maybe his older cousins, who has older friends may have picked this up somewhere? I spoke to his mum and she said she had never heard her son mention those words, and that he hadnt seen anything inappropriate either. I had a gentle but clear discussion with my son that this was totally inappropriate and the 'willys' are only for weeing, and you must never touch another persons private willy and that as they are for wees that they are yucky (ie. no licking of such parts!)

Anyway I thought this was all done and dusted, Ii was keeping an eye out for similar or worrying behavior and there was nothing, until this morning. His creche rang me and said that another mother had rang today and said that while my child and her child were in the bathroom, my lo said when the had done there wee, that he should lick his willy and vice versa.

Oh my lord, im getting a bit worried now. My children are cared for by there dad and go to a good creche and they are never really left with anyone other than very close family - who I trust implicitly, there is NO concern over abuse or anything like that - but what on earth is going on? I cant understand where he has got this idea from (when we spoke the last time he said that his cousin told him of the game, but the mother has said no way, by the way Im not blaming anyone here) I just want to know what I can do to make him understand that this is totally out of order?

Its not he kind of thing I can google! Has anyone any idea of what I can do?

OP posts:
HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 29/01/2015 15:23

Young children do innocently engage in sexual experimentation. It is well documented and perfectly normal.
However obviously it is important to rule out anything that may be causing the behaviour and certain things do raise more of a red flag than others.
The fact that the mother has dismissed it does not mean it is not true, so do not eliminate that as a possibility.

Have you talked with your son about bodies and private things and good touching and bad touching etc? I know you have had this willy lick specific conversation but have you done more general work or more regular work? To reinforce it? There are a lot of resources out there that can help you begin to talk with your young child about this.

Original poster
Gangie · 29/01/2015 15:38

Thanks howcanimissyou - we ahve talked to him about this before. That some things are private and we have always called it his private willy. We have explained that its not healthy or kind to touch other peoples privates or let other people touch his, except mammy or daddy or a doctor if necessary.

I need him to understand the importance of it, but without making an issue that makes him feel 'bad'. Also I dont want to give him any hang ups for the future. We are a very open family, often nude, share showers/baths and talk openly and I want this to continue, I dont want him to be ashamed of his body.

Im also worried that the mother of the other boy (from creche) will be really shocked/annoyed about it! Dont want his teachers to think of him as an odd or inappropriate child either - agh its a minefield!

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 29/01/2015 15:51

My sons are older than yours (6 and 9) so i've heard plenty of 'willy talk' over the years. Tbh I wouldn't count a throwaway comment about willy licking' as sexual behaviour, more like something that is repeated from child to child cause its known to be naughty and somehow disgusting and that makes it funny and exciting to talk about.

If you are confident that your ds is just repeating something he's heard then tell the nursery that. He probably did hear it from his cousins so there may be a problem there but more likely they are just repeating something the older one heard at school.

I'm sure your nursery will have come across similar things many times before but they may wish to speak to you as part of their safeguarding procedures (actually I should think they would). But that doesn't mean they are going to think your son is anything but an innocent little boy.

SweetValentine · 29/01/2015 15:54

The NSPCC has details on their 'Pants are Private' campaign

Purplepoodle · 29/01/2015 15:57

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/underwear-rule/

This is a great leaflet, we got one from nursery and school. Had to have a rather serious chat with my 3 and 6 year old ds about respecting others privates, what not appropiate

millionsofpeaches · 29/01/2015 15:59

Do you have a dog op? Just thinking he may have seen a dog licking himself and got the idea from there? Is it a possibility?

LadyLuck10 · 29/01/2015 16:02

But he has told you where the idea came from? His cousin. His mother might have no clue just like you, but he has told you about it. Honestly I would be very upset and angry if my son told me about this game that he picked up from your DS. You absolutely need to have a serious talk with him how wrong it is. Yes boys do have a fascination with it but this 'game' isn't something that's common among boys.

desertmum · 29/01/2015 16:06

wasn't there a thread about this a few months ago ? can't remember how it ended - it may got deleted not sure

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 29/01/2015 16:06

Teachers are very well used to it.
Perhaps you could even ask them for their input? They must know of good resources to help children understand these things.

Pensionerpeep · 29/01/2015 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Gangie · 29/01/2015 20:23

No there's no dog in either family. I did speak to my sister but she insisted that it came from my son not hers but i really can't explain where he would have come up with it & the cousins would play a lot more with older kids? I don't think there's any point asking her again. His dad has been involved in all discussions with my lo and he's worried too bit thinks it's from the older cousins. We both sat down with him this evening and told him again that it's not good to touch anyone else's privates and that the other boy had told his mum because he was a bit upset about it as he knows no one should be touching his willy.

Should I offer to contact the other mother to apologise & let her know we have taken it seriously?

I have absolutely no fears that it's any way to do with abuse, our kids have hardly spent a night away from us and as my family live far away we don't go up that often and when we do we are with them all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gangie · 29/01/2015 20:26

Thanks for the link to pants. I will go over it with my oh and sit down with lo again tomor

OP posts:
RobbStarksBitch · 29/01/2015 20:39

Your son has told you where it came from, as far as I'm concerned that's enough surely? Your sister is majorly in the wrong and wearing rose tinted glasses when it comes to her own Ds's.

I think you need to have serious words with her and risk a falling out, in the mean time I wouldn't be allowing my child to spend time with his cousins until this was sorted.

fluffyraggies · 29/01/2015 22:11

I would agree with Robb that your son told you from whom he got the idea right at the start, before you even told him it was wrong. Why would he lie about that? No reason i can think of. He's not old enough to be sly enough to lie to get the cousins into trouble. I would believe him.

I too would not stop contact with his cousins until you feel certain he has stepped back from this, and could handle coming to you or withdrawing from 'the game' if they were to bring it up again. Even if this takes a long while.

fluffyraggies · 29/01/2015 22:14

That was meant to say - I too would stop contact with the cousins!

EdSheeran · 29/01/2015 22:37

The cousins are still very young themselves, I wonder about the children where they are hearing it from. :(

TheIronGnome · 29/01/2015 23:01

I wouldn't necessarily assume they've come across the idea elsewhere. The fact they're calling it 'willy licking' could indicate that it's simply something one of them thought of to do.

Young children often experiment, it's very common. It needs keeping an eye on and addressing, but other than that, I wouldn't go tying yourself in knots trying to figure out where it started.

BurningBridges · 29/01/2015 23:45

Are the nursery just leaving it at that or are they likely to make a referral if it happens again? I think this is one you'll have to watch and wait on, but I'd limit contact with the cousins. Someone up thread said call NSPCC helpline - they are normally very good.

In the meantime, you've got the NSPCC link to read/talk to DS about; he must have had it on his mind to bring it up again with the other little boy in the loo, when you'd already told him it should not happen - definitely keep an eye on it. And your sister clearly should have asked her DCs first before saying oh no definitely NOT mine. Hmm

Bettybodybooboo · 30/01/2015 01:35

Obviously it's from the cousin as your ds told you so.

It sounds like they have accessed porn either on tv or magazine.

It's really really easy for kids to see this stuff if parents are blaze about safety settings on devises or just ignorant.

The alternative is far more worrying.

Yes kids mention bums and willies etc but the licking bit is fairly specific.

You need to speak to your sister and get her to investigate.

If she plays it down them stop contact between the lads.

You need to be careful op as failing to stop kids accessing porn can be seem as abuse as can allowing children to witness domestic violence etcetera.

I think as your ds has brought this up a few times he may have seen this act. When kids are scared or unsure they often keep bringing things to a trusted adults attention.

He's telling you stuff so listen and act.

Coyoacan · 30/01/2015 02:43

It may not be anything, but the way your sister is denying it makes me think she is not much on the ball and her children are at risk.

You were told this and took it seriously, what is the sense of just denying?

Hamiltoes · 30/01/2015 03:10

He may have seen this act, but surely it's just as likely he has seen this act via a random dog or something just as innocent? Or that the cousins have spoke of this to him after seeing a dog do it?

My gran picked DD up from nursery one day when she was 3 to be told by the teacher that she had made a little boy very upset as she had tried to put her hands down his pants and touch his bum. I felt awful, like the little boys parents would think I was dreadful and not want their DS to be around DD. I thought she would be labelled at nursery.

We sat down and chatted about why she had done this, and it turned out she was "being Doc McStuffins and was only trying to change his batteries to make him feel better mummy".

I think you need to go back to cousins mum and try to get her to talk about this like adults. Its really hard, DDs reasoning was strangely like a weight lifted from my shoulders because I just had to explain that people don't have batteries like toys do and reinforce the "private parts are private" message and nothing like this ever happened again. I think the two of you need to work together to find out where this idea has stemmed from.

KatyN · 30/01/2015 06:53

I was thinking about this last night.... Is there any chance he is misheard willy flicking? The little shake they do to get rid of drips.??

I might be being too innocent but my boy mishears phrases all the time.

K

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