Argument with sister

[Amber76]

I always got on well with my sister until last summer. She's older than me, with 4 kids. I have 3 kids.

I overheard her say something negative about my dd and when I challenged her on it she stood by what she said and also said other very hurtful things to me which I think are untrue and unfair. This came out of the blue for me - I genuinely thought we got on very well and had no idea she thought so poorly of me.

I tried to sort things out by email after the argument but this made it worse as she refused to apologise for what she had said. We have barely spoken since.

Prior to the argument I usually saw her and her kids maybe once, sometimes twice a week. I really miss seeing the kids. I've seen them twice now in the last 6 months (Xmas day and at a birthday party).

In the last 6 months I've had a baby and we've bought our first house. She saw baby at Xmas time but just said congrats and nothing more. She normally would make a huge fuss about a new niece or nephew. I have seen her give a warmer response to a stranger in the streets baby. She has in no way acknowledged the house purchase. (This involves a big lifestyle change for us - moving to rural area an hours drive from where we currently live which is a reasonably close drive to where she is).

We went from being really close to very strained. I want things to be normal again between us but I can't pretend or forget about what she said. She criticised me, my dh and my dd. I didn't say anything about her or her family. I have always really respected her opinion - I can't get my head around how she can think this way about me and my family.

Aibu for not contacting her? I could pick up the phone and say let's put it behind us. We would be talking again and seeing each other's kids. But I still feel cross when I think of the things she said and strongly disagree with - I don't think I could chat to her in a light, superficial way knowing she thinks certain things about my family.

I'm aware that time is slipping by and the kids are getting older. I don't want to wake up in ten years time with us still not talking but at the same time I don't think it's okay for her to not apologise.

I feel guilty because we have siblings who would love for us to get on well with each other as it would make family occasions more pleasant. But she said horrible untrue things and believes what she said. So Aibu to continue avoiding her or should I try and contact her and pretend things are alright between us? I'm rubbish at pretending though and worry that it'll make things worse if I contact her as we'll be tip toeing around certain subjects which are very hard to avoid. Apologies for length!!

If she's said hurtful things, if there was no chance that her comments could have been misconstrued and if there has been no apology then, sadly, I think you need to let her stew in her own juice.

What did she say? Is there any hint of a chance that she said it/you took it in a way that wasn't intentional?

A couple of years ago I had a disagreement with my brother. My dad brought us together to discuss it but my brother only came with the intention of telling me how little he thought of me. I had dh with me and afterwards he said he wanted nothing to do with my brother again. I felt the same. Since then my parents have put me under a lot of pressure to start talking to my brother again. I just can't.
I know exactly how you feel. You have been hurt by what was said to you. Don't sweep that under the carpet because it's more convenient for others. Don't feel guilty about your choice. I also feel that if he truly believes what he said about me then there is no point in us being in contact as there will definitely be more problems in the future. If you feel the same about your sister go with your gut.

What did she say? Is there any hint of a chance that she said it/you took it in a way that wasn't intentional?

Exactly what I was about to post.

What did she say OP? Sometimes we get over defensive about things said about our children.

If she said something that was hurtful but true then I'd say it's her opinion and she entitled to it as hard as that is but, if what she has said is untrue then have nothing more to do with her until she can see that she's been believing her own lies.

I have been in a very similar situation. My sister fell out with me completely irrationally and said some terrible things about me. She wouldn't talk to me for a couple of years despite me saying I'd forget it happened and my mother begging her. She caused me immeasurable hurt.

Roll on, my mother got older, we started talking again (I insisted) when mum was sick. Eventually we got back to a "normal" relationship. She never apologised but has a few times said to me "remember that time I was completely nuts" as if that is an explanation/apology.

I am very happy with my decision to be in a sisterly relationship with her again because I only have one sister, she needs me, she has terrible faults but great qualities too, she was amazing to our mother in her later years, we have a shared childhood in common and no matter how awful she was to me I love her.

If she ever hurts me as badly again, I'll be gone.

It is up to you but I suppose what I am saying to you is, if I were you I'd give her a second chance without demanding a full apology. Just say we disagree what happened lets draw a line under it. you may never trust your sister completely again but she is still your sister, you could put it behind you move on - and it may work out. If not, you can go back to where you are now.

What did she say?

It really depends on what she has said. You said you were close before this, and your sister stands by what she says so she does believe it. Maybe it's true and you just didn't want to hear it.

Was there any truth in her comment about your dd? It's hard to hear criticism of our precious children but sometimes it is justified.

As others say, it depends what she said how you deal with this. If it was something like "Amber should discipline her children more" then it's her opinion (which you say you respect!) and you don't need to address it. If, on the other hand it was something like "Amber owes me £500" which is untrue, you need to take the matter up with her.

She said a lot - she said dh and I are lax parents who don't watch our kids properly. That my dd3 is badly behaved on a regular basis - she really isn't. She's a normal 3 year old and we've never had problems with her. I'm not precious - she's not perfect and has her moments but she is a genuinely is a good child. She said my dd regularly hits other kids - she pushed her dd once in an argument over a toy. She has never hit another child.

A year ago at a party my dd and her dd3 scribbled on a wall when no adult was in the room. I and my dh walked in just as they had stopped - I took pens from them and said how that was not allowed. My older niece (4) was in room and she told my sister that it was just my dd that did it. It all sounds so silly but in our argument my sister said that we we're lying about this and trying to blame her dd - I love her dd and would never tell such unnecessary untruths. My dh is a lovely man and she said he was also lying about it. In an email a few wks after argument she stood by this - I know it's trivial but it's not nice to have her think we're the sort of people who would lie about something so minor.

She said that I have regularly been rude to her in the past but wouldn't elaborate on this when asked in the email - I have no idea what this was about. I honestly thought we had a great relationship.

Are her kids better behaved then yours?

Does she own her own house?

Does she want another baby?

Is she finding parenthood overwhelming herself?

Just to add your DD might have led and done most of the wall scribbling and possibly her DD only did a little. Maybe the mother hasn't accepted that her child occasionally lies. It's not a bad thing as it shows cognitive development/ability.

It's not a bad thing when little children lie I mean

Sometimes when people are nasty to others its mainly about an insecurity/stress/guilt/jealousy thing of their own. The longer it goes on, the more both of you may need to believe the other is in the wrong. And so she has probably had to convince herself you are lax parents. Maybe she's secretly anxious her own dcs aren't as happy as yours, for example. Maybe her dp has been giving her grief for some reason...Maybe lots ofvthings

I think you should probably have a go at agreeing to disagree and explicitly accept together 'we find conversations about childrearing styles upsetting '. As you say, awful to have a rift if it could have been patched up. You might have to do quite a lot of the giving ground though, because she is in the wrong: it is a lot harder for the one in that position IMO.

But don't let her lord it over you, either! None of this may be possible but personally i would want to give it a try.

Sadly, I don't think she wants to be close again as she has made no attempt to smooth things over with you. She could have come back into your lives when you had your baby. On the bald facts of what you've said (I know there's always another side to the story!) I would have great difficulty forgiving her or putting it behind you - not because of the intial argument, but because of the frostiness for such a long time since then.

I feel for you. I don't have a sister but one of my best friends is devastated by the unhappy relationship she has with her own sister. She seems to find it hard to accept that her sister does not want to be close, which of course I can understand.

Poor you op .

It seems a fairly trivial thing to fall out over tbh. i think I'd make first move, put it behind u and start talking to her. ... even to keep u r nieces and nephews close