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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for help with a condolence letter

14 replies

tinytops · 28/01/2015 15:51

A friend's relative has just died in very sudden, very shocking circumstances. I'm trying to trying to write a letter and really struggling with what to say. I've said the obvious I'm so sorry for your loss and what a terrible shock it is, but now I am stuck. I'd normally add a personal anecdote but I never met the relative. Can I ask, what would you normally write?

OP posts:

Clobbered · 28/01/2015 15:54

Tricky, but good on you for having a go. Maybe just keep it very short - it's the thought that counts.
I'd maybe say that I'd be thinking of them and say that I'd phone them soon (and do it).

BackforGood · 28/01/2015 15:58

Agree with Clobbered. It's the fact that you've taken the time to send a card/letter that counts - doesn't matter if it's short. I think the fact that you didn't even know the person who died, but are still taking the time, says a lot about what a good friend you are, and I'm sure your friend will think the same, however short it may be.

Doilooklikeatourist · 28/01/2015 16:04

Just as you've done already

Shocked and saddened to hear the news
Thinking of you and will phone / call in and see you soon

Tell them not to hesitate to phone if they want to talk / meet up / need help with children etc

queenofthemountains · 28/01/2015 16:05

I received a card that said
Thinking about you and your family but mainly about you

I was touched by this and use it myself now.

Original poster

tinytops · 28/01/2015 16:19

That's really helpful, thanks all. I was searching around for a non twee poem or something but I think you're right that it's better to keep to short and simple

OP posts:

intlmanofmystery · 28/01/2015 16:40

Yes, keep it simple. When my dad died it wasn't the poetic prose or anecdotes that people included - it was the fact that they had bothered to write or send a card and were thinking of us that mattered. Especially in these days of email, text etc

MrsHathaway · 28/01/2015 16:53

Did your friend talk about the relative? Could you say "I will always remember how you spoke of Uncle Horace's rose garden" or similar?

Beadsbeadsbeads · 28/01/2015 16:57

I once read a good tip which said not to say 'Is there anything I can do' because that's a bit vague and feels insincere.

The person suggested that you offer help in a specific manner, such as 'Let me know if you'd like to have a chat, maybe over lunch' or 'Let me know if you'd like to go for a walk'.

Caronaim · 28/01/2015 16:58

There isn't going to be a "wrong" because you are making contact and showing you care.

Shocked and saddened - thinking of you - remember how you always said was such a kind/friendly/ lively/ interesting / whatever person. Please don't hesitate to contact me if there is anything I can do. Hope to see you soon. Will be in touch..xxx

Formulaic, but there is very little you can actually say.

WorkingBling · 28/01/2015 17:12

I have recently been the recipient of condolence cards as a result of a family bereavement. The ones that meant the most to me were the ones that felt genuine. I did not like the ones that just said, "thinking of you and your family" as I would have been perfectly happy to get that as a text or email. I had some lovely ones with long messages and anecdotes.

But the ones from friends who didn't know the person but that were still personal in terms of demonstrating they knew it would be hard for me by personalising the message were good. eg

"I was so sorry to hear of the loss of your {insert relative} recently. I know that you were close and that she will be greatly missed by you and your entire family. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.

If you want to chat, please call. Otherwise I will be in touch in a week or so to see how you are doing.

All my love..."

NinjaPanda34 · 28/01/2015 17:22

Have any verses or poems spoken to you in times of loss? When my sister died suddenly (meningitis-age 17) someone wrote a great Shakespeare quote which I still think about today...
"Death lies on her like the cruelest frost, upon the sweetest flower of all the field"

GokTwo · 28/01/2015 17:24

Something I wrote to someone once that they said was helpful was " I know that kind thoughts cannot possibly make up for your tragic loss but I send them".

Poor things. It sounds awful.

MrsPeterQuill · 28/01/2015 17:27

When my dad died, I was touched to receive anything at all. It meant people were thinking about us and had gone out of there way to get a card. It was nice if they'd put a personal anecdote in, but 'thinking about you and your family' was fine. Not everybody wants or even can write an essay.

PtolemysNeedle · 28/01/2015 17:37

I agree that something that mentions the deceased's name is nice, so 'sorry for the loss of XXX' rather than 'sorry for your loss'.

I appreciated people saying they were thinking of me and praying for me when my DH died.

The only thing I didn't like (bearing in mind I was very sensitive and irrational at the time) was a card from someone that said something like 'you must be feeling so angry at what has happened and wondering why this has happened to you both'. It just annoyed me. This woman had absolutely no clue how I was feeling, and as she was completely inaccurate it pissed me right off that she thought her misguided insight was something that I want to read.

I do know she was trying to be nice, but it was far more helpful to hear from people that they couldn't even begin to imagine how I was feeling, because it was true, they mostly couldn't, but it still acknowledged that they knew I'd be feeling terrible.

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