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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask bf to come home from work

45 replies

jemima1988 · 28/01/2015 10:58

We have a 3 month old and I am really ill I have to keep leaving him to go and be sick or go to the toilet and I'm struggling
I know if I ask him he will say we can't afford to take a day off and he has no holidays left

AIBU and pathetic?

OP posts:

FamilyAdventure · 28/01/2015 11:27

I don't know, YANBU to want him there, but I can understand why he'd be worried about doing so, especially while this business of providing for a family is new to him.

If you're breastfeeding, how would things actually be different if he was there? It won't do DD any harm to cry a bit while you're in the bathroom, although I sympathise completely about how horrible it must be.

GokTwo · 28/01/2015 11:29

You poor thing. It's horrible being ill when you have a little baby. When would he finish work today anyway? I think if it's not too late I'd probably do as Piper suggests and get comfy upstairs. When he comes home he can hopefully completely take over.

NorwaySpruce · 28/01/2015 11:30

kaykayred often small companies, employing unskilled people on minimum wage know they can literally pick up another worker from the street.

Employees on zero hours contracts don't want to rock the boat either.

Some places just have a 'can't walk out' culture that is impossible to fight against.

Throwing up isn't life or death.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/01/2015 11:30

I think the rule should be - if the wohp would take the day off work if he were equally poorly, then the sahp should also be able to have a day off.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 28/01/2015 11:32

I don't see how you can get rest. Ds at that age was cluster feeding.

I couldn't take my boob off so wouldn't have had much rest anyway.

wishmiplass · 28/01/2015 11:35

I don't know why pp are going on about DP's job stability. That wasn't in the Op's original op (although it might be a factor).

I agree with arethere You're sick and need a day off work. I would take a day's pay cut if DP were in the same position, and we're completely boracic.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 28/01/2015 11:35

Totally feel for you OP. I hope he does come and give you a chance to rest.
This happened a few times when my DS was very young but my DH refused to take time off work so I soldiered on. No family or friends living nearby either.

I suffer from migraines with sickness and remember projectile vomiting all down the hallway and then having to clean it up myself and keep an eye on DS in the living room. It was bloody awful, but we survived.

peggyundercrackers · 28/01/2015 11:37

i don't think 1 person being sick is a domestic emergency. I think its just one of those things you need to cope with, baby is 3 months old so can be left in a cot/basket a lot of the time whilst you look after yourself.

ShumbTucker · 28/01/2015 11:49

Just ask him. I regularly have to call DH and ask him to leave work early to collect DH from school if a meeting has ran over/operational emergency/I don't have time. His employers know he is a parent and they know that mum wont pick up all the slack.

I'm at all these Dads that wont come home! What do you mean wont? or can't? I understand if your job is in jeopardy but DH has worked for 3 employers in the last 9 years and it has never been an issue

FamilyAdventure · 28/01/2015 11:51

It's not about won't Shumb. OP's DP won't be paid if he comes home, so he needs to make a choice - does his DP need him more than the family needs the money?

ShumbTucker · 28/01/2015 11:54

I wasn't talking specifically about the OPs partner FamilyAdventure, it was aimed at the posters that said their OH "wont" which puzzled me. My DH doesn't get paid if he comes home either as he is paid hourly but we have to manage, its a massively different situation of course as we both work FT.

DeWee · 28/01/2015 11:59

I'm another that thinks it depends.

It's easier with a 3 month old than a mobile one to look after them while being sick. So I might be a little reluctant to call him home at this stage if I could cope on the basis that I may need help more a few months down the line.

Personally I'd probably phone him, tell him how bad I was feeling and ask if it's possible for him to come home promptly/a little early and be prepared to be handed a baby on the doorstep while I went to bed.

And decamp upstairs near the toilet and with the cot near you to leave baby in while you're sick. Not ideal, but certainly do-able.

Having said that I always tend to be a continue if possible sort of person. I've called dh to come home for my illnesses 3 times in 14 years, and once was to drive me to A&E. That means that both he, and his work know that if I say I need him, I really do need him, so they will always release him straight away and he knows to drop everything and come immediately.
I like it that way.

Original poster

jemima1988 · 28/01/2015 12:05

I've rang him his boss has said it's not an emergency sp he can't come home :( his family is working my family is working so it looks like I'm soldering on x

OP posts:

BorisBaby · 28/01/2015 12:06

I have only ever had to call my DH to come home once I had a migraine and couldn't look after DD3 1 year old he missed 3 days. I've been ill many times but if he misses a days work we lose money and that affects us the next month. Pop your DS in his cot when your been sick and just do basic care nappy changes and feeds when your not in the bathroom. Your BF can tale over when he gets homehome and do all the night stuff but text him and make sure he comes home on time. We have no one that can help out either its hard but you can do it

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 28/01/2015 12:09

Yes, my DH would refuse to come home.
We used to work for the same company (different depts.) before I had DS.
I remember having the projectile vomiting/migraine thing and one of my staff ringing DH asking him to come and collect me and take me home. We lived about 30 mins drive away and travelled in by car. He reluctantly agreed but it took him a further 90 minutes before he picked me up.
After that, I used to book a taxi to take me home. Much quicker and I could afford it.
I think he just had a thing about being Mr Perfect at work.
Thankfully, he's retired now (had cancer) and is so much more helpful and supportive these days especially when a migraine attack occurs.
(Please don't flame me, but I'm a tiny bit grateful to his cancer to be honest).

skylark2 · 28/01/2015 12:13

Your 3 month old is unlikely to get into any trouble - tbh if money's that tight I would "save" your DP's goodwill points at work so you can get help when you're ill with a mobile baby/toddler who you can't just leave lying on the floor while you run to the toilet.

Sorry you're feeling so rubbish.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 28/01/2015 12:14

Jem, I feel for you, I really do, but many posters on this site, including myself, will have experienced a similar scenario to yourself, but perhaps with the added delight of additional children to care for. So you won't get sympathy in buckets! We know it's awful, but soldier in and remember that today isn't going to last forever. You are 50% through (presuming you do working ordinary work hours), and perhaps he could home a little earlier?

OllyBJolly · 28/01/2015 12:15

Maybe I am super naive, but I can't think of many jobs where you would get the sack if you had to go home to look after a 3 month baby because your partner was incapacitated.

Have a look on the employment issues threads about the number of people facing disciplinary and dismissal because of absence. It's a very real threat and if he is bringing in the only income in the household then he has to weigh up the consequences. All sorts of legitimate unforeseen reasons prevent people from going to work - transport strikes, hospitalisation, illness, funerals of family. If the OP's partner works anywhere where they have absence management in place it's not that easy just to take a day off.

Hopefully this is a bug that will be over in a matter of hours. If the OP can get to bed as soon as he comes in (text him to bring in anything that's needed) she might get the chance to sleep it off.

I was a lone parent - being ill was just the the worst! You have my sympathies, OP. Hope you feel better soon.

cailindana · 28/01/2015 12:18

So, is it the case that if these men were themselves vomiting that they would head off into work anyway? Or would they stay at home and go to bed?

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 28/01/2015 12:21

A 3 month old will be fine mostly in a cot / on a mat with some grabby toys for a day. Only out for feeds and nappies. I've done it. Rotten day but we survived. You will too.

Your DH will do everything as soon as he gets home, right?

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