to think you can decide to get upset about pretty much anything

[Slugsonmypeasgrr]

I got upset about a bar of chocolate being removed from the car the other day and placed on the kitchen table (it was a provocative action in my domestic context). Then it occurred to me that I could have decided not to get upset about it, to just let it go (as Elsa would say), but that revelation came about 5 days after said getting upset incident.

I think sometimes I get upset about little things because I have so many constraints on my life - childcare, children, work, house work, DH work etc etc etc. What I really need is to just do a bit more of what I want to do and not get the massive hump so regularly.

People do twattish things all the time, say the wrong thing, make stupid jokes etc. I can't control that. I can just go watch a movie on my own sometimes though, if I need some time to myself. I know the two things sound like they aren't connected but maybe they are?

Does anyone else find themselves doing this or am I on the verge of a nervous breakdown?

Yes I fully agree with this. You always make a CHOICE about anything even if it seems like you don't have a choice. Also you can only control your reaction not the actions of others. If someone upsets you, you can choose what to do with it and your own actions. Life is so much simpler this way.

I agree.

Try reading Illusions by Richard Bach

You do have a choice but sometimes stress gives you tunnel vision. The people surrounding you can have a negative influence too, ironically some of the rudest, nastiest people I've ever met are very fond of exclamations such as "thats so ruuude or thats sooo inappropriate" about the most minor of things. I find them exhausting to be around.

Some of the righteous indignation on behalf of others I read on AIBU reminds me what I hated most about the school gates mob. Angry people looking for an excuse to be offended

Sometimes when we get upset it's not really about that thing. I've cried about breaking s nail, I'm not really crying about the nail I'm crying cos of every other shit thing that has happened that day/week n it's just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Our feelings are OURS though and if we want to have a cry over something little we can do and we shouldn't let anybody tell us we're wrong.

In my old age I now try and monitor my feelings much more.
If something is bothering me I think "does it really matter?" If the answer is no i try and forget it. If the answer is yes I think "can I fix it?" If the answer is no then I try to forget it, if the answer is yes then I try and deal with it.
It just helps me to stop worrying about things I have no control over or things that just don't matter

PC language is a perfect example.

When a term is PC, everyone is happy to use is. Then someone, somewhere, often for no good reason, decides that it is offensive and should be replaced by another term. Then we are all meant to be offended by someone using a term we used ourselves not so long ago.

Nothing has changed about that term and there is usually no great revelation about the origins of it. It's just that there is a new one we're expected to use now instead and to use the old one is somehow unacceptable.

People choose to be offended by the old terms without even knowing why they changed FGS!

Everyone gets a little short on patience when they're tired and/or stressed. It's totally normal. I used to find myself snapping at Dh/the kids over things I would usually have laughed off or just let 'go by'.

So I formed some strategies:

1. Every day, I have a long bath, after ds2 goes to bed. Everyone in the house knows that this is my time. A few 'pop-ins' are allowed, but not repeated questioning/hassle.
2. No more than 3 questions before I've finished my morning cuppa (mostly a joke, here, but it began as a way to let everyone wake up gently)
3. To tell Dh and the kids if I was feeling ill/tired, warning them in advance that I was likely to be short on patience and was sorry about it if I snapped about anything. 4)To apologise if I was unfair, saying I was grumpy because I was tired/ill.
4. To learn that sometimes, 'good enough' is good enough. So sometimes the dishes aren't done at the end of the day. Or the rug still needs hovering. Or whatever. Let some stuff go, basically.

I do think that sometimes women aren't vocal enough about their own needs. It took a long time for me to learn not to apologise for being ill, for instance. And a little bit longer to understand that sometimes it was ok for me to be 'selfish'.

Thanks everyone, really interesting replies. Shodan in particular really resonates. I feel like I've had a bit of an epiphany! I think the rage and upset comes together with a feeling of impotence, being trapped (my inner child?). Once I realised I wasn't - I am lucky enough to be able to do something for me once in a while - it was like a door opening in my mind. thanks again.

Shodan has it right. You need time to be you. To switch off from life as it were, to recharge your batteries. Look after yourself as much as you would look after anyone else in your household. Be nice to yourself. :)

thanks chinateaset. My friend calls it 'putting on your life jacket before attempting to help others'. I didn't realise it applied to me til now... duh!

I got a sh*tty email from colleague sent after I'd left work on Friday but picked up on my phone. Whined to husband and set to stew and fume all weekend about colleague feeling the need to write it. Husband just shrugged and said 'it's what people feel the need to do...' And that thought just defused it for me and I forgot about it till Monday when colleague apologised.

A couple of years ago I had so much rubbish going on that would have finished me but on Friday ... Nah. You do have to let stuff go.

Totally agree. Though I am very led by my emotions, so can often tend to react emotionally and then see the bigger picture after the fact. I think that at least being able to recognise that, to be prepared to do a u turn on initiall reaction and to apologise or acknowledge is about as good as I'll ever get.