aibu to consider hypothetical divorce in all decisions

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

I should start by saying I am happily married, we get snipey with each other now and then but t ultimately expect to live happily ever after. however, probably because i spend too much time on here, I have been working out what I would get in a completely hypothetical divorce!

I am hoping to take voluntary redundancy from my quite senior ft job and either be a sahm or work part time locally for a few years. Obviously this will make me financially dependant on dh. However, last night when I was googling what happens to pension if we divorce, it made me feel like I was doing something wrong, essentially unfaithful to our marriage.

Just a bit concerned that it might be a self-fulfilling prophecy, and by thinking about these things, might make it more likely to happen. Does everyone else do this?

Yes, women marry up even if they are highly paid although I didn't and presumably as 70% of women are graduates there will come a point unless men have 3 wives each there will not be enough of these high earning alpha males around for all the women earning a small fortune by the time they reach 30 even if they are choosing between men aged 30 - 60 and those from abroad I suppose.

The pension thing puzzled although I've never had to analyse it legally. You can already take out your fund but pay a punitive 55% tax on it so why was that not available to your creditors? if I take my fund under the new rules I pay 45% tax on it so is that really any more accessible than 55% under the previous rules?

(45% on 75% of it, that is and not until I am 55).

"have only been back 3 weeks after mat leave and hate it".

Very common feeling and can relate, long commute,childcare hours included, but this might not be the best time to make a big decision like this. iME Childminder or nanny (if affordable) works better with a long commute or working day.

Agree with pps about your H. Ridiculous that to give him a shot at partner you should have to stop work. Organisations that reward mega long hours - Those practices disadvantage all working parents and especially other women.

Flowerfairy, I think it is that I is impossible to put in the time and commitment that it takes to be a big 4 partner, if you are a woman and interested in children. Even if you just had minimal maternity leaves, you would be unlikely to be able to give your all working 80hours a week and flying round the glove with no notice while pregnant or especially if you suffer from hg/spd/ pnd or just sheer sleep deprivation through breastfeeding. And that is if you had a dh who was willing to take the lions share of mat leave and childcare etc. So I think it is sheer biology, and the historical sterotyping that make it damn bear impossible for a woman to do during her childbearing years.

I personally never wanted to be a housewife, but me working full time where I currently am while doing all the child care simply isn't sustainable, so it would be part time, but if there is money on the table, I will take it and find something more local.

I think there's a half way house if you can, would your company offer you part time where you are? That would give you the opportunity to go full time later if you wanted. This might be a good plan if you plan a second DC relatively soon.

If they will pay out a large pay out for redundancy, and there's part time work available in your sector elsewhere, it does seem like a good plan to go for that, you aren't giving up your career, just reducing hours for a few years.

oh and you wouldn't be the first woman who was very driven career wise before having DCs, then afterwards realised that while you can have a career and DCs, you suddenly didn't actually want to.

The interseting point is always why is it the husband not the wife on track to be a partner in a big 4 firm? Do the women put themselves second? Do women marry men with better brains or a better work ethic? Do women who want to be housewives ultimately tend to marry men who like that set up too and men who earn more and can keep them?

I remember reading some comment about a top American law school were the majority of female graduates either marry a classmate or someone they meet in their first job, then drop out of the workforce while still in their twenties. It seems for the majority of women the purpose of graduating from one of the most competitive degrees it's possible to take is access to a superior dating pool.

To put in context the careers they are giving up, I googled and found starting salaries for 2012 Yale law graduates, the median was 65k USD and the median for private practice (i.e. excluding academic and public sector) was 160K USD.

I read that too theoretician. It's worrying because it's not just a personal choice....these are the women who would otherwise be judges, Congresswomen, influential legal theorists - a generation of female voices lost again.

It's probably very simple. Most of us are fairly lazy whether male or female and if someone offers you the chance to stay at home whatever your sex you might well choose that. Men don't get the choice because women are sexist and unfair on their men . That will change particularly with the new split baby leave between men and women. I am hopeful.

Also some of us don't have the biology issue. i was content with working until in l\abour and back at work full time when the babies were 2 weeks. I feel I have had a lovely compromise over the last 30 years of children and home. I certainly have put in some long hours but when working for myself that's when I choose - owning a business is nicer than working for someone else. But the reason i did well and earn a lot and have a nice life might perversely be because I never had many maternity rights (not even 6 weeks at 90% of pay as in those days you needed 2 years of service and I was moving jobs to get promotion/higher pay and with the twins I was self employed) and secondly I married down so my career was always most important. I feel very privileged that those two things have applied and made my life so good.