To have made amends with her

[BoogieBoogieWoogie]

Last year I became fairly good friends with a nursery mum. Our DCs were and still are best buddies. My DH also became friends with her. She's a single mum and by her own admission is very vain, a perfectionist and very flirty.
Anyhow discovered a series of flirty texts between my DH and her and confronted him. He said sorry, was fascinated/jealous of her lifestyle (shares custody of her DC so spent half the week as a single young woman) but said it was nothing more than messaging. He found her "fit" but nothing would ever have happened.
We moved on eventually but cut ties with her. Still saw her everyday at nursery but no longer spoke.
Now (6 months later) we're speaking, friends again on FB to share photos of our DCs at their respective parties, and I feel comfortable and I'm happy to be friends again.
AIBU? I feel like it was a serious issue my DH and I faced last year. He apologised, she's recently apologised for her part in it (she also stressed it was just silly messages, no more no less). I actually still like her. But I feel like I should hate her

I wouldn't. There are lots of people in the world you can be friends with. It's not necessary to be friends with someone who has done this. The dc can be friends at nursery still.

Presumably if you are her mate again, then your dh and your friend will have contact again.
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No wonder the divorce rate is so high, if we can't forgive 1 mistake in our partners. How on earth can anybody be expected to be perfect.

I don't know why you'd want to be friends with someone who wanted to shag your DH. I know you said it was "just" flirty texts but I suspect they would have shagged if given the chance.

Agree with Summer. Fine to talk to this woman on a superficial level as you actually can't avoid her as mothers with children at the same nursery, but I wouldn't trust her or get any closer than strictly necessary. Once bitten, twice shy.

Well he sees her as much as I do Savoy as he drops off at nursery and I pick up. So her and I speaking again doesn't affect how much he sees her. As I say, she's not going to be invited round for a dinner party.

Thanks for the responses all. I take on board the thoughts of keeping friends close and enemies closer, and perhaps that's what I'm subconsciously doing

What kind of things did the texts say? Who started them. I think that if you can forgive him, then there's no reason to not forgive her. He was more in the wrong, at least she was single herself (though she knew he wasn't) and not so close to you. It was more likely playful, fairly innocent banter/ego boost on her part than his IMO.

I honestly can't remember what the mags said. Nothing rude. Perhaps suggestive??
My main hurt was the dishonesty and secrecy by them. He said he knew it was time to end the messaging as he was constantly thinking of "humorous things" to text her. He enjoyed the flirting and her silly girly lols at his jokes. But occasionally the msgs would get out of hand (his words at the time).

Fwiw I genuinely believe he wouldn't have shagged her. I don't know her well enough to know if she would've shagged him.

If you can be friends with this woman, then you should be considered for sainthood. I absolutely couldn't do it.

It also doesn't matter who started it - the recipient doesn't HAVE to respond to the instigator. It's a conscious decision. If some bloke sent me flirty texts, I'd be telling him to shit off, or if I was feeling mature that day, I'd just delete the text and not respond at all.

I agree with Summerisle1, whether it was him or her that started it a proper friend wouldn't have even thought of flirting with a friend's husband.

The dishonesty and secrecy is the worst thing - believe me, I know. When you feel you have to start hiding something, you know you're doing something wrong, something unacceptable.

Just be wary

They have both betrayed you.

True friends don't send inappropriate messages to their friends husbands

^This. I think you would be wise to cut contact when you can. Will your dc's go to same primary school?

I would say by talking to her again and being friendly you have just given her a huge green light and that you consider her behaviour acceptable.

What I'd find hardest to forgive is her absolute lack of sisterhood; exchanging flirty texts with a man she knows is married (and married to someone she's vaguely friends with at that) shows a complete lack of consideration and respect for relationships and marriage.

His behaviour was equally abhorrent, but if you've worked through it that's your decision. I just despise women who are willing to treat other women so badly. Where's her self-respect?

Does flirty texting always lead to sex? Genuine question?

No. Sometimes the wife finds the texts first...

A similar thing happened to me OP, but it was the woman, my 'friend' doing the chasing. DH showed me the messages as he got them and never encouraged her, but she didn't stop. I could never be friends with her now.
I don't know how you can consider it tbh!

I wouldn't be friends with her again and I'd be still pissed off with dh.

Well I wouldn't be able to/want to move on from this to the extent where I rekindled the friendship, I think I'm a pretty forgiving person. However people are different and I wouldn't judge you as mug if you are genuinely ok with this. My concern would be that you feel that you should get over this and be a 'cool' with it and whether you are coming under some subtle pressure to do so. It's hard to know whether their contrition is real because the texting only came to light because you discovered it. Whether you choose to forgive and choose to remain friends with her or not I think you should be aware of the possibility of this happening again and of your DH's fantasies about a life free of the commitment of children and how easily he was flattered and participated in these flirty exchanges. I hope this has been a wake up call for him though and he changes.

I don't think what op is considering is "friendship" is sounds more like simply being civil

I could do that with this woman. Dignity and moral high ground etc. What I wouldn't do though is forgive my husband.

YANBU but you are being very very naive. you may trust your OH but you cant trust this woman, ditch her. some women get a thrill out of "usurping", usually down to daddy issues in my experience. There's nothing in this friendship for you, but she gets to see your life on FB.

I think for the sake of no awkwardness at nursery, it's fine to speak to her & be friendly. But at least you know what she's really like. It's better to forgive & move on or it will eat you up.

That about sums it up AF. A situation like this (but way more serious) is occurring between some people that I know. The woman in your position op has shown such incredible grace and dignity it really has made the other person feel truly remorseful and in awe. Not saying she's right or wrong to behave like this, that's up to her but I agree if you've got to see her I guess rising above it may be the better choice. I wouldn't feel like that about my partner though!

I have nothing to say because you clearly have your head in the sand!

Silly, very silly.

I couldn't but that's because I have low self esteem.

Recently I received flirty messages from an ex, immediately blocked him and showed dh the messages. Could myself or dh be friendly with this man? I have no desire to be friends as I feel he over stepped the mark and tried it on.

I'd be friends with her again OP, just like you've done - not close but enough to speak and be civil. Posting just so you know the yabu response isn't quite unanimous!

I think you are doing the right thing. If you DH did anything similar in future then I'd go ape shit but one mess up is possibly OK - assuming his apologies are ok.

Is he generally a flirty guy.