Sister-wedding AIBU?

[Gangie]

Today 20:32 Gangie

Il try to keep it short and factual!

Getting married in a few weeks. Been with h2b nearly 7 yrs & have children together. He is from a dif family dynamic & finds my family (v close & involved) a bit tricky. Can be short with my dad (so can I he is an alcoholic & was abusive to us as children) gets on great with my mum, tolerates One of my sisters, likes the others.

This sister and I have always had a difficult relationship although it has improved on the surface can be fine but I find her hard work. Very judgemental about everyone but particularly me & any choices I make, her opinions on everything wear me down - I prefer to let people live how they like and
try not to judge.

Anyway what I am trying to say is I have a difficult time dealing with her & so does my h2b. He's just less patient with her & pulls her up if she says something out of line.

Recently had my hen night and my sis decides to start questioning my relationship with oh asking why he can't be nicer, why is so grumpy (he can be grumpy and is def more when we are in her company) basically totally pulling him apart. I told her that he obviously has very many qualities I admire and that I don't own him and can't dictate to him how he should behave. Basically I was pretty upset they she took the opportunity of my hen (which was fantastic in very other way btw!) to pick holes in my relationship/oh. Al together not very surprising.

Anyway found out yesterday that she had been quizzing my mum asking if she thinks I'm really happy with him and if he is forcing me to get married (!!!) and that he's controlling me! This couldn't be further from the truth, we have a very good relationship, ups and downs like all couples under stress from work issues/pregnancy/moving house ect. He has always been my rock when I needed him, when my dad was bad on the drink, when I had postnatal depression or having difficulties in my pregnancies.

I am so angry about this! Haven't told oh any of this as he would hit the roof and I don't want to make their 'relationship' any worse. She is still my sister and we have to be in each other's lives as we are otherwise a close family. Originally I had asked her to do a reading at the wedding and my other sister is doin one too. This was to involve them as I had only asked one other sister to be bridesmaid and my best friend. I have the opportunity to speak to this sister tomor & be be honest I feel like telling her 1. It was completely inappropriate and bitchy to bring shit like that up on my hen and 2. Tell her that as she so obviously has issues with my oh & has expressed her feelings about the wedding that she isn't genuinely happy for us I would now rather that she didn't do the reading after all & I can ask my v good friend instead.

So should I?? My other family members will be like omg don't make a big deal out if it/ just ignore her ect but really I don't want someone who's bitching about me, my partner and our wedding to have a special part ij the ceremony!! So advise me please!

That was long!!

Liking Jakeshit's suggestion - passive aggressive all the way..

I completely understand that you don't want her to do the reading now that she has raised concerns about your pending nuptials.. However, I wouldn't stress too much about a reading. As easy as it is for me to say, try to focus on the parts of the day you're looking forward to - having your children there, saying your vows, taking a stupid photo with DH that you can laugh about in years to come..

Do ask her if she still wants to do the reading - who knows, she might say no - but put it into perspective maybe.. My mum did a reading .. Can't remember what the hell she said because I was too busy looking at my husband to be :)

All the best for your wedding day xx

I think you might be a little harsh on your sister. Obviously I don't know her and it might be exactly as you say and she and your fiance just have a clash of personalities. Otoh it might be that she is seeing your partner as grumpy and short tempered and has genuine concerns for your happiness. Do you think your mum told you as a way of broaching the issue and checking that everything really is okay?

I agree that the hen night wasn't the ideal time but people drink and then say tactless inappropriate things.

She might be happy to do the reading even though she has doubts about your dp because she views it as doing something for you. I wouldn't ban her ftom the reading - it will create bad feeling at your wedding which will affect the day itself and your long term relationship with your sister. Be sure you want to do that before you act.

I do think that if your dp is allowed to pull her up on behaviour he dislikes then she is allowed to express her opinion too. Either they both soeak freely or they both shut up.

If she was mine I would tell her what you have put in this post - a bit of frank communication would be positive.

"He's just less patient with her & pulls her up if she says something out of line." What does this entail? Is it any view that he disagrees with? Is it done in an reasonable manner? Is she allowed to voice any different opinions in front of him? Is there any discussion or does he just "pull her up"?

Good questions.

How old is she, btw?

If you and your sister have always had a bad relationship I would just ignore her and ask her if she wants to do the reading.

If you and your sister got along fine until your dp was in the picture I would think very very carefully about not listening to her concerns/ask your mum if she can see your sisters point. Family can often know us better than we think and it's quite common for people not to say anything (like your mum and other sister) but be privately concerned. There a few flags for me, the fact your mum spoke to you about it rather than dismissed it outright or told your sister off suggests she might share her views. There are few red flags in your post that suggest things might not be as rosy as you make out. I have a difficult family background too but my dp has ALWAYS made a massive effort to be polite and respectful because they are my family.

Depends on just how much fuss and upset you want at your wedding really. I f you want to end up with yet more dramatics, and possibly cause a big family row - then go ahead and tell your sister you don't want her to do a reading. It will look to the rest of the guests like you have had a row with her, but if you're ok with that...

Or if you would prefer to have a bit less stress in your life, then let it bloody go. In the scheme of things, doing a reading at the church is one of the small things. Whereas leaving her out of it will turn it all into a big deal.

Tell your sis you're looking forward to her doing the reading and you'll get a car to pick her up.

It can drop her in Scotland for the day

My way of dealing with judgemental, opinionated folk, yes you my dear pain in the ass sil is just to say whatever to what claptrap they are spouting. I can rarely be bothered to argue. Dh on the other hand cannot. He will pull up the idiot and call them on it.

I don't see it as a bad thing. Yes, it causes an atmosphere sometimes but everyone's entitled to their opinions, just don't have to agree with them.

You won't know unless you ask her if she still wants to do this reading. Leave it up to her to decide.

Good luck x

MrsItsNoworNotatAll

But just because your DH picks people up on being an opinionated idiot person doesn't mean that your DH isn't an opinionated idiot person it just means that he shares your opinions

Well we do happen to have the same opinion of sil as it goes

It's just that he can be bothered to call her on stuff and I can't. Not that I'm afraid too either. It means if ever do It I have to listen to her voice when I'd really rather not!

She's (sil) moved house anyway. So now we see even less of her.

We are both happy about that.

The sister in the op sounds reet witch.