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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know if my expectations are realistic?

35 replies

DiddlyBiddly · 23/01/2015 09:48

Please be gentle with me, I really don't know if I'm being fair here. I'll try to keep to the relevant stuff, but think it might be a long one...

I have two friends, let's call them Peter and Jane. Peter is the son of a very close family friend. He is a couple of years younger than me and we've grown up together, albeit at a distance as they live the thee side of the country. He is, to all intents and purposes, family.

Jane is one of my school friends. Weber never been the closest of our group, but she is a good friend.

About 2 years ago, Jane started on a grad scheme. Peter studied the same subject at uni, and back in the summer got offered a place on the same scheme. I put them in touch so he could ask Jane some questions about the scheme etc. he took the job and moved here in September. Since then they have worked together on some projects and became good friends.

Peter had a girlfriend from Ireland at uni, who had to move back for various reasons. TBH, their relationship was never great, at least not from our POV.

Peter knew nobody apart from me and my DP, and just about knew Jane when he moved here. We've been introducing him to various friends. I invited him to our traditional pre-Christmas piss up get together with my school friends (including Jane).

On the night it all came out that Peter and Jane had slept together. We were all very drunk and so it was a bit of a mess. Peter was still with Irish girlfriend at this point. Jane basically declared her love for him at this point, though she was really quite pissed. They then proceeded to spend the rest of the night dancing very closely and snogging each other's faces off right in front of me, to the extent that Jane seemed to be purposefully following me around when I tried to move away.

Peter has since broken up with his girlfriend, but it all got a bit messy and he was really quite upset by it (clearly not as upset as his girlfriend, who was devastated. He readily accepts that he's been a total bastard in cheating on her).

Since then Peter and Jane have spent pretty much every second together. He confided to me the other day that he has no idea how it will go, but is just going along with it because it's making him happy right now.

Now of course, I want them both to be happy. But I am really sad and worried that one or both of them is going to get hurt. Jane has been going through a really tough time lately, and was recently really hurt when someone else she was seeing told her he didn't want a proper relationship. She had a bit of a history for having casual relationships in which she then gets hurt when her much stronger feelings aren't reciprocated.

I also worry that this is becoming. A bit all-consuming for them, and that they're isolating themselves in this little pocket of life they've created for themselves. They're working, sleeping and practically living together. If it all goes tits up then that's everything, especially for Peter who still has very few other friends here.

I absolutely do not see a future for them. They are incredibly different people with different outlooks on life. I worry that they were both a bit vulnerable and their friendship became very intense.

How do I stay a good friend to both of them? They both know I'm struggling with it a bit, but are quite flaunting of being together. I arranged to meet up with Peter for a coffee, and when I got there Jane was there too. I went round to see Jane and a friend staying with her, and she invited him along.

AIBU to want to see each of them without the other? Or is that unfair?

Also, each of them keep trying to confide in me about the situation. AIBU to say I don't want to keep being dragged into it?

If they end up together and in love, fine, I'll accept that and get used to it, but as it is they are basically just sleeping together and I don't want to know!

And finally, AIBU to expect them to not be all over each other when I'm around? Even other friends who'd never met Peter before were commenting is was a bit grim

OP posts:

Original poster

DiddlyBiddly · 23/01/2015 09:55

Should add, I'm due to be seeing Peter tonight for a long standing social arrangement with one of his friends who I know well, and I just keep worrying hat when I get there Jane will be there. I just want one evening that's not all about them

OP posts:

OllyBJolly · 23/01/2015 10:00

I think you just have to accept that's the way they are - for now. Just make it clear that you are friends with both of them as individuals, and while you're happy for them, you don't want to get involved in their relationship. I have a few friends that can't do anything without their OHs. 6 of us had planned a girlie night for a while and one turned up with the OH having phoned the restaurant directly to book an extra place, and he completely hogged the conversation which meant a 10pm end to the evening!

If they do break up, you'll be in a difficult position then. It's hard to stay friends with both parties. In the meantime, I think you have to keep your concerns to yourself.

SaucyJack · 23/01/2015 10:03

I think you're a bit over invested in their sex life tbh.

People get together. People split up again. Such is life.

Original poster

DiddlyBiddly · 23/01/2015 10:09

Saucy I definitely feel over-invested, tbh. But they keep talking to me about it, and I haven't been able to see one without the other for the past few weeks. I think I just need to make clearer that I don't want to know about it all!

OP posts:

Original poster

DiddlyBiddly · 23/01/2015 10:10

I think I've just lost all perspective with it, which is partly why I posted.

OP posts:

Blueblueblueblue · 23/01/2015 10:10

I'm going to try to put this kindly because you do seem genuinely stressed.

Their relationship is none of your business.

It doesn't matter that you knew them first.

It doesn't matter that you think it won't last.

It. Is. Not. Your. Business.

It is also not unusual for couples to generally be together, especially if it is a new relationship. Why do you need to see them individually?

Take a big step back. Politely tell anyone who is trying to confide that you'd rather they didn't as it puts you in an awkward position.

Otherwise, keep reminding yourself - not your business.

Nancy66 · 23/01/2015 10:12

I agree. Step away.

Re. tonight. Text Peter and confirm it's just the two of you.

bobs123 · 23/01/2015 10:16

All of the above plus I think part of your stress is that inevitably your relationship with the both of them will probably have changed and you're finding that confusing

DeanKoontz · 23/01/2015 10:16

Im not sure why you're concerned. 2 of your friends have got together. It may or it may not work out. You will remain friends with both of them regardless as you saw them separately before and can continue to socialize separately with them afterwards if that happens. It may be that they stay together forever. Who knows.

Just let them get on with it, and get better at changing the subject.

wowfudge · 23/01/2015 10:19

Do you fancy him? It kind of comes across that you might as you seem 'overly invested' as they say here on MN. Is that what you are struggling with, your feelings for him?

If their relationship continues they will not be as obsessed with each other. Tbh it just sounds like young love and opposites do attract, however unsuited you think they may be.

Original poster

DiddlyBiddly · 23/01/2015 10:19

On seeing them individually, I guess I just want to be able to meet Jane for a coffee and a catch up like we've always done without Peter tagging along, and the like. Is that unfair? I really don't know.

This is helping, btw.

OP posts:

LadyLuck10 · 23/01/2015 10:21

You shouldn't be 'struggling' with this. Struggling with what exactly. You are too invested in what seems like two people getting together which is normal. Yes they are your friends but so what.

Original poster

DiddlyBiddly · 23/01/2015 10:21

Wow Absolutely definitely not romantically interested. But if I'm being completely honest there probably is a bit of jealousy in that I see him as my friend, not Jane's, if that makes sense?

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WineWineWine · 23/01/2015 10:22

You are too invested in this whole thing and although you may want to see them separately, if they don't want that, there's nothing you can do, and they are not wrong to want to spend time together. You could ask to see them on their own, it probably doesn't even occur to them that you would have a problem with them both being there as you are friends with both.

If you want them to stop confiding in you, then you have to tell them that this puts you in an impossible position as you are close friends to both of them.

Your opinion about their relationship is irrelevant.
You have lost perspective, so take a very big step back and leave them to it.

wowfudge · 23/01/2015 10:22

Yes, that makes sense. The intensity between them will die down.

DeanKoontz · 23/01/2015 10:25

I think you have to accept that they're a new 'in lurrve' couple and want to be together all the time and just talk about their lovely other halves and being so in love etc etc .

You would probably have to put up with this from both of them if they had met other people. It tends not to last too long ime. But if it does (or has) then definitely, for their sakes as well as yours, staring arranging things separately.

How long have they been seeing each other, and do you have a partner?

MaidOfStars · 23/01/2015 10:27

Struggling? Your expectations? What you might have to accept?

It's got fuck all to do with you. New relationships are very intense; everyone knows that friends are far less available in the early days because they'd rather be shagging than having coffee

YANBU to want to remain impartial though. Just tell both of them it's not appropriate.

Original poster

DiddlyBiddly · 23/01/2015 10:29

I do have a partner, who largely ageless with me and is sympathetic, but then he would be, wouldn't he

I think you're all right, in that it's just normal new lovey-dovey relationship stuff. I guess the fact that they're both friends of mine means they're perhaps a bit more open about it than they would be if they were with people I dont know.

OP posts:

PurpleCrazyHorse · 23/01/2015 10:31

Agree with all of the above. I think you should work on meeting Jane on your own, so suggest how lovely it will be to have a proper girly catch up, just girls, maybe host a girls night at yours with some other friends. She might get the hint.

If Jane is the instigator in her joining you and Peter, then I wonder if it's insecurity. I can see why she might find this hard if you and Peter have lots of (friendly) history together. It's not right, or fair, but it could be the reason. No idea how to deal with it though.

DeanKoontz · 23/01/2015 10:31

I think it makes it somewhat easier for you to arrange to see Jane on her own if you have a partner.

'lets have a girly lunch' or whatever.

Original poster

DiddlyBiddly · 23/01/2015 10:34

Can I give a specific example? Jane has been going through some tough times at work, as she basically hadn't been meeting the targets attached to her job and was at risk of not being kept on at the end of the grad scheme. I knew she had a big make or break type meeting this week, so text her to ask how she was and how things were going. She replied with a photo of her and Peter sat on the sofa drinking wine and grinning.

Is it unreasonable to think that was a little unnecessary, which was my immediate reaction?

OP posts:

seaoflove · 23/01/2015 10:35

I think you need to ask yourself why them being together makes you feel so uncomfortable. If it's simply because you feel like Peter is "yours" and you don't want Jane "taking him away from you", although I can see the logic (although it's a bit teenage of you), you need to stop overanalysing everything. If the relationship is as doomed as you think it is, Peter will still be your friend at the end of it. They're adults and it's none of your business.

Optimist1 · 23/01/2015 10:36

I can see your reasons for being less than happy, OP - you had two friendships here, companionship and fun times x 2. Now they've got together and morphed into an inseparable couple you have companionship and fun times x 1. Except that in the early stages of their relationship they're so wrapped up in each other that you're getting even less from them.

Regardless of your opinions, they have got together. I think one of three scenarios will develop :

Their relationship flourishes but in time they are less joined at the hip, so you get to see them as a couple and as individuals.
Their relationship fails and you're back to having two individual friends (and possibly providing a shoulder to cry on for one or both of them)
Their relationship flourishes and they continue to be inseparable. (Unlikely IMO)

Whilst matters are developing I suggest you maintain contact with them both, but keep up with other friends, too. By "diluting" your attentions you'll be less stressful about what the future holds for Jane and Peter.

GritStrength · 23/01/2015 10:40

Well I suspect you feel that somehow you've "lost" or been "downgraded" by two friends. Which is understandable but you're going to have to get over it. But from their perspective they're in a new relationship and it is v exciting. Maybe it will blow over. maybe one or both will end up hurt. Or possibly they'll be together forever. But you're going to have to let it run.

If they try to talk to you about the other I'd put up a hand and say "I really don't think I'm the right person to have this conversation with".

DeanKoontz · 23/01/2015 10:40

No, not unnecessary. I would read that as her telling you that she's choosing to chill with Peter rather than do any work for her meeting (which would be her problem, and not yours). Or, that the meeting went well and now she's celebrating.

Either way, not something to get very het up about.

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