to think -women, what´s gone so wrong?

[isaidlesbonotasbo]

Long time lurker, can´t sit on this one any longer.

Fifty years ago I and many other women fought for equality and womens rights. After a long struggle the western world conceded (OK, only up to a point, still a way to go), but things are so very different now.

Fifty years of books, magazines, tv, movies, pop music, education, the internet, showing us very different templates of how womens´ lives can be.
So why do I read here every day of young women who have chosen lazy, abusive, controlling, or selfish partners. Women who apparently must have such low self esteem that they think they deserve no better? Women from all parts of society.

And not only the pleas from the women who have just woken up to the situation they are in, but almost worse the everyday asides from seemingly contented women as part of other topics, which casually mention how OH, DH, DP ´won´t´or ´can`t´ do such and such, or relly´helps´, or spends endless hours and money on his own hobbies.

Sometimes there´s almost competetive banter re how ¨useless¨ their partners are, bless ´em!

Put aside the very real problems of leaving such relationships once stuck in them, why start them in the first place with all the choices available to us? We don´t have forced or compulsory marriage/partnership. Last time I looked, the Taliban were not in charge nor religious leaders all powerful.

And if the answer is that girls and women are socialised within their family of origin to feel worthless, let´s push the question back at their mothers and grandmothers - feminism did not start last week!

(and don´t get me started on who plays the biggest part in raising,
socialising and entitling these men from their early years....)

I don't know why things are the way they are, but YANBU to ask!

I'd say initially no woman chooses a lazy, abusive, controlling or selfish partner. They choose a man they fall in love with, who sweeps them off their feet and treats them like the most amazing woman in the world. Sometimes they choose well and the man gave a fair representation of himself. Sometimes it emerges slowly over time that he gave a false impression of his personality. I'm guessing from the tone of your post you got lucky and met a great man & can't understand why others don't strive for what you have. I think it is wrong to judge women when you know nothing about their background and what led them to where they are now.

In the case of my mum, I'd say she was brought up to believe that women are/should be caring, supportive, peace-makers and gentle home-makers. And that you can hope for. but not really expect too much from a man. She thought that being assertive is un-feminine and that women ought to look after 'their man'. She once told me she thought it wasn't 'manly' for a man to do the ironing. She liked looking after people and took pride in keeping a clean and tidy household that was well-organised.

The generation before her apparently thought it was very odd for a man to do any hands-on child-care or housework.

I suppose vestiges of that mind-set remain with us and continue to have an unconscious effect on our behaviour.

A different question might be: what has gone wrong with men?

Have there always been this many abusive/useless men? How do we fix the next generation of husbands/partners to be men who will meet their commitments, remain faithful, and provide a decent role model for their kids while also being the man you want to take home to bed when you meet him? Who is setting the role models for our sons?

Or are things actually better now maybe far fewer women suffer in silence through a crap relationship?

Good point Oldman.

Sometimes women hope they can change a man - 'improve' him.

Sometimes they're afraid of being on their own.

Sometimes they derive self-worth from the feeling of being needed by their useless man - because they lack confidence and don't think there's anything else they can do.