DS left out at school

[Sussexbelle73]

My DS (7) is very sensitive and cries at the drop of a hat. He has got friends in school but despite us inviting lots of kids for playdates, he rarely gets asked back. Lately lots of his friends are at each others houses for sleepovers at weekends but DS never gets asked. Its making the upset even worse as they talk about it in school which makes him feel even more left out. I really dont know what to do- it really upsets me.

AIBU to think its just a stage? I hate seeing him lonely and upset and not in the school cliques.

DD1 went through a similar thing at that age - one summer holiday we didn't see a single soul from her school. It's hard when they're sensitive too though it didn't seem to really bother my DD as much as it bothered me! I would say though it will get better - she's now in Yr 6 and has a number of nice friends at school and a few close ones. Plus 7 years old is pretty young to be having sleepovers. I certainly wouldn't invite many at that age!

We have been considering moving house from city to more rural and I wonder if a fresh start might benefit him

I was going to echo what Joolsy said - 7 is young for sleepovers, I asked a couple of DS's friends when they were 7 and got the answer they weren't doing sleepovers until they were at least 8. Playdates are funny things too, as DS is an only I love having company round, but sometimes it takes some time for them to be reciprocated.

Have you talked to the teachers about your concern - they might be able to give a more rounded picture of what's going on.

I wouldn't move purely on the basis of your son, I honestly don't know if it would help or make things worse, so I'd only do it if it's something that you want to do anyway.

I feel like its all really affecting DS's confidence and that its creating a bit of a vicious cycle- the more left out he feels, the more upset he gets and the less people want to play with him as he cries a lot.
We had been thinking for ages about a change of life for lots of reasons - but dont want to undermine DS's confidence even more!

If the sensitivity and crying is the issue, then moving wouldn't really solve the issue and especially in a new place for him. Have you spoken to the teacher. I agree that sleepovers at 7 are a bit too young.

You're right about it being a vicious circle as unfortunately children don't want to play with a child that cries over what they feel are small things. Even as adults it can be uncomfortable to be in the company of someone who is overemotional.

I also don't think that moving is going to help if the problem doesn't lie with the other children, for example, teasing him.

Sounds like he needs some strategies to help him manage his emotions. Does the school have a link with a child psychologist who could offer some guidance?

Why does he cry so much OP? Usually people cry when their emotions become overwhelming, whether that is pain (physical or emotional), anxiety, anger, frustration, etc. It might help for him to start learning the words for what he is feeling and how to express himself verbally.

Does the school do any intervention groups on emotional literacy? It would be worth speaking to the teacher. Also there is probably quite a lot you can do at home with him.

In the meantime, keep inviting friends over to play and they will become closer.

I would think twice about having a child on a sleep over if they cried a lot

I would worry whether they would cope with being away from home

Moving away won't change things

I'd wait a while

Maybe they aren't ALL having sleepovers with each other- just a few of them? I didn't send my dc to sleepovers at 7- they would have missed home too much!

I agree that it's probably a couple or three tops of kids who'se parents are friends or know one another well. I also won't allow my DC to sleepover until they're older....9 seems good to me.

Remember OP that kids exagerrate. If you're worried check with his teacher if he's got friends at playtimes and is happy.x I know what a bother this sort of thing is....one of mine had a time of it in year 3 as she started a new school.

I think I am going to speak to his teacher- feeling a bit at the end of my tether with it as hate seeing him upset but don't know what to do about it. He has started doing a martial art which he likes and I thought that might help his confidence. All of this has reallt knocked him and I wish he could find a couple of mates who really like him as he is a really sweet lovely boy.

I can't recommend this book highly enough for children like your DS.

It will help him build resilience and develop his own ways of dealing with life's ups and downs.

I would ask his teacher if he can have some ELSA support from the school.

Definitely at that age the only sleepovers we did were ones where we were friends with the parents too. I wouldn't presume to ask a 7 year old round to sleep unless we had a family to family relationship. I also only sent my three DC to family friends to sleep at that age. I'm not suspicious of people's motives or particularly cautious, but 7 is too small to sleep in a strange set up in my opinion. My DD in particular rarely slept through at 7 so I would have been so loathe to risk it. I was also rubbish at reciprocating play dates - purely because I worked full time, no reflection on any child! I wouldn't worry massively.

its a very tricky one, I was teary and anxious at my first school and found it hard to make friends...so if my mum had posted people might be saying dont move her - which would have been a disaster for me!

I was moved - due to academics rather than social anyway and made friends immediately, literally and still in contact with many 30 years on. I just wouldnt have survived at the other school,

so need to find out if its chicken and egg and do more probing and work round this before deciding to move

Isthatwhat not all schools have an ELSA (Emotional Literacy Support Assistant).

All schools will have some form of emotional literacy support though.

It is difficult to say if move would help till u know why he cries. In my experience teachers - as qell as kids - will have less patience with frequent criers as he moves up so definitely worth trying to resolve it.

Have the playdates that you've had at your house gone well or tended to involve a lot of tears from your DS? DS2 had a friend who was inclined to burst into tears at the drop of a hat and while friend was a lovely little boy, playdates did tend to be something of a trial for all the children involved and invitations did tend to dry up.

I wouldn't be too worried about sleepovers just yet though. My dcs neither hosted them nor went on sleepovers when they were as young as 7 because in the main, they (and their friends) simply weren't ready to sleep over anywhere other than at the houses of very close family members.

It might be that you need to tackle quite why your DS is so readily tearful. What worries him, for example? What is he anxious about and how can you help him overcome his anxieties? Only if this is the root of the problem with friends then moving house may simply mean that you face the same issues elsewhere.

this might not be very popular but I would work on him being less sensitive. my dd was the same and this was picked up early on in school. I've worked with her teachers over the years to ease it a bit. they were very kind but said as she gets older the other kids will be less likely to put up with it and as they start to break off into their own friendship groups she would be left out. im glad to say she is much less sensitive now.

Do speak to the teachers. We are humans and it would upset me if a child was feeling excluded. They might be able to let you know, if you ask them to be honest with you, that there is an actual problem - maybe your child says or does things that don't help. They can also manipulate things at school to help. They're another adult who cares about your child.