To be angry at creche for talking to others about my son?

[Figamol]

My son is 2.5 and attends an early intervention programme for suspected autism. 2 half days a week he also goes to a kindergarten that were kind enough to take him on.

Last week I picked up my son in the playground and as I approached the teacher from behind, she was talking about my sons language delay to another parent, actually making the argument to her that lots of have language delays. They stopped abruptly when they realized I was there. It was very obvious they were talking about my son. I was furious but left saying nothing whilst I thought about it.

I decided to say something to the Director this morning and the teacher in question took me aside at pick up saying that she would never talk about a child to others. She's been doing childcare for 25 years and is a professional etc etc. She said she didn't remember what she was talking about but maybe replied to the parent who 'might' have asked why my son didn't talk. In short, a complete denial and told me I had misunderstood. In short, bollocks.

The Director came in smiling saying all sorted? And I shrugged and stropped out. Immature I know, but I was so angry.

Im also really SICK to death that after an initial fuss that they couldn't handle him, they've now decided in their not very professional opinion that there is nothing wrong with him. They're making me feel like a terrible mother for putting him through the autism programme. He has had at least 10 assessments so far and has a place that is funded to the tune of 80k a year plus our own contributions. If the professionals didn't think he should be there, Im pretty sure he certainly wouldn't be. It makes me have to justify to them by talking about the negative sides of my son which I hate. They are meeting him after months of help from occupational and speech therapists. They have no idea of the struggles we've gone through. And don't care to know about them. Always insisting there's nothing wrong. Im so glad its now going well there but they're making me feel like some crazy mother!!!

Rant over. Breathe!

Im guessing some damage in the relationship might be irreparable at this point, would you just pull out and send him somewhere else. Another mum at the autism centre says her daughters creche (down the road) has been amazing and supportive. I can live with them for the sake of my son who is happy there, but would you just start fresh somewhere else?

YANBU

she absolutely shouldn't have been discussing your sons issues with another parent, to then try to deny it and gloss over it makes it even worse. Maybe you could go back to the director and ask to put in a formal complaint if you don't want to ignore what happened?

I can also see where you are coming from with the labelling thing and wanting a clean slate. A lot of the time a 'label' can be a very good thing and can make life easier for the child but it does have some drawbacks. One of my sons was/is quite mildly affected and we did a lot of early intervention with him and so we decided not to have him officially diagnosed and statemented. He's a teenager now and at secondary and we have never regretted that decision

Even if the school are aware of it, it doesn't mean all the parents should be too.

I didn't think the OP meant she wanted to hide any dx from whatever school he goes to, more that its up to her and her family alone whether to share that information with other parents.

And maybe her annoyance with the kindergarten for chatting idley to another parent is because this came on top of their unwillingness to admit difficulties and provide support.

Who amongst us parents of children with asd or other SN hasn't come across the attitude from school/nursery/other "experts" that they have all the answers when it comes to supporting or not our dc

Agree with bialystockandbloom. Theres a big difference between hiding a diagnosis and not wanting nursery staff chatting about it to other parents. The OP has the right to talk about it / tell the people she chooses not who the nursery staff choose. Agree that if they just said x has a speech delay aswell, its common, then that would be fine but its not fine to disclose autism to anyone else without permission as theres a lot of ignorance around and Ive had people back off from my dd when they heard she may have ADD in case it effected their children (how I don't know). Sounds like your son has made fantastic progress op! great news. Id be inclined to move him. You need to feel comfortable with your childs pre school

I also have to say that 2.5 is very very early for a dx and if they are saying there isn't anything wrong with him, then isn't that a good thing? Obviously if they are trying to undermine a doctors plan of support then thats not good, but perhaps they are just trying to reassure you that his difficulties may be more manageable than you first thought

2.5 is not too early for a diagnosis and it is frustrating when people without any experience decide that there's nothing wrong. I had a load of hassle from a dietician when ds1 was 2 (we saw her because post regression he was eating no meat, fish, veg, or fruit). Anyway when I said he wouldn't understand a star chart she went off on one about how there was nothing wrong with him and I was imagining his difficulties and he picked up the toys when she told him to so clearly he was fine and not autistic and I must be attention seeking to think so. Age 16 he is non-verbal, severely autistic, with severe learning disabilities and requires additional support above the norm at an SLD school. So she could have saved her little lecture to things she actually knew about.

OP - ds1 was initially in a useless nursery, who thought they knew it all and were incredibly opinionated (they knew bugger all). We took him out for a while and then when he was 3 he moved to an excellent, small, mainstream nursery where the owner/manager really took a special interest in the ASD kids, and worked in partnership with parents and professionals. You do have to be able to work with the people who care for your child, so in your shoes I'd ask around, and maybe talk to some other nurseries and see if you can find one you think you can work better with.

Op FWIW I would be furious too. Dd got her diagnosis at just two,she had a developmental age of between 6 and 12 months.We did early intervention at home too.She had a statement of SEN at three and started mainstream primary with a TA.
She's almost twelve now,the autism is pretty much invisible,autism outreach and the ed psych needed to ask her teacher who she was! She is bright (top groups) has plenty of friends and mostly enjoys school.
Through primary no one outside of school staff realised that she had SEN or autism or that the TA was hers and in secondary it's pretty much the same.
My feeling is that the diagnosis is yours or later on your child's information to share with whom you choose and noone else should be doing that.

I agree saintly. Was told by a nursery worker when DD was 3 that " she would suddenly catch up and be totally fine at 4". Still waiting.

Yes jimjams it is crucial to be in a school/nursery where they are willing to work genuinely cooperatively with the parents. The level of understanding of autism in mainstream is shockingly and depressingly bad, and is so often compounded by that arrogant attitude that they know it all, which can then make it actually detrimental for the child. Far better in some cases to have a school which owns up to lack of experience but actually wants to learn, and learn from parents.

Same old story too that children who don't display disruptive behaviour (disruptive for the teacher/other children) will be overlooked, as the OP has already seen.

I learnt quite early that as my ds who (down to all our work behind the scenes) had such lovely non-disruptive behaviour, it was going to be my job to fight for the support he needed

I didn't say it was too early. I said it was very early. They are very different things. And it is very early for a diagnosis. Many parents find it really hard to be taken seriously at such a young age.

Many children who should be diagnosed that early aren't. The OP has said she only sends her DS in on good days, and is then surprised when the nursery can't see the problems she does. A lot of children do catch up in time, and perhaps the nursery staff are used to dealing with 2.5 year olds with speech delay who go on to catch up before they leave for school. But as they are not seeing the worst of the issues, they aren't realising that this little boys difficulties go further.

But I forgot that as I don't have a child with ASD I am unwelcome on any thread about it.

I dint think yabu op.
And obviously if the care worker told the director and apologised and the director checked to see if everything was ok then they have said something wrong.
You don't sound happy with the crèche, if move him.