Not to go to my own 40th celebrations?

[bringthethunda]

Background to this is some of DHs family now live abroad for most of the year. Went to see them last year for a week with Mil and Dd(2). Lots of naice restaurants, no flexibility around mealtimes or anything to accommodate Dd. I ended up doing the majority of childcare as Dh and rest of family had their dinners and drinks in peace. I found it very stressful but kept my mouth shut. Also, family lives in rural location with farm nearby - 2 big massive dogs roaming freely who belong to farm. Kept coming to house as Dh family feed them scraps. Growled at and nearly went for Dd so could not relax and let her play more than a foot away from me when she was outside.

MIL has now decided that as it is another family members big birthday and my 40th that we all head off again for a repeat experience. I really really do not want to go, and especially not for my birthday as from the last time I know it will be the same scenario with the adult-friendly activities and I will be left to look after Dd. Plus the farm dogs scare the crap out of me.

Must add that Dh did all the driving and also had to look after ditzy high maintenance Mil, which is why it wasn't 50/50.

So, aibu to tell my Mil I really don't want to go? Am totally happy for Dh to go on his own to celebrate other family members bday.

You are not being pfb to expect some compromise re mealtimes. Everyone's needs should count!

Well imo it's quite simple.

What would you like to do for your birthday?

Do you want to celebrate abroad with your husband's family?

If no, then that's that.

The question is what about your husband?

Who is the other person with a bday?

A close relative?

Other persons birthday is his aunt. And I know I sound like a party pooper re mealtimes but every meal apart from the breakfast will be out somewhere. Last time dinners were booked at about 8, Dd usual bedtime is 7 so keeping her in a non screaming mood until after10 was really fucking tiring. It was either stay in with Dd by myself and eat toast or else go out and give it a go. I feel like I gave it a good go last time and nobody had to change their plans. And last time I kept quiet because we were staying with them for free. This time it is actually all about me for once so I will say something. Dh always does whatever Mil wants as he is a yes person and a peace keeper. Parents divorced and I think he has issues about not upsetting her. Ive argued with Dh about this, giving the reasons but he thinks I am spoiling a lovely family time. He is more rose tinted glasses than me about what the reality will be, even given the last time.

it sounds vile bring theres nothing worse than child unfriendly holidays
that why you dont see it in the adverts
and its obviously not the "lovely family time" your Dh thinks it is - well not for his immediate family
but I wouldn’t go doing emergency bookings elsewhere or making excuses, thats just avoidance - and wont fix DH's attitude either shouldnt it be more
" I tried it and didnt like it - now its your turn to try it my way, or are we not a team ?"
to DH
and
"NO - but thanks for thinking of us" - to MIL

If you end up going...

Just guessing that it's SA? If so, can't you ignore the time difference and just keep your DD on UK time. So she goes to bed later and gets up later.

You problem is with your DH not your mil.

It's a bit unfair to get irritated unless you said something to them. How were they to know you were unhappy. If you do go then you need to be clear about what is ok and what's not ok.

op would you actually like to go if this time it really is all about you? or have you had your fill of this lovely family time and would rather not spend your birthday pretending to have a good time.

You could always put a prerequisite that you'd rather have a birthday lunch out and then back to their place for dinner. also ask your dh to take care of the bedtime routine - or insist you do it together.

It does sound like your needs are not really the priority with them and that's not on.

Flux500 you are spot on, I think I have had enough lovely family time with inlaws ; I would like some lovely family time with Dh and Dd. I have always gone along with Mils suggestions as tbh I will usually give anything a go. But given past experience I can't see how it's going to be any different. Even if this wasn't being presented as being for me, I don't want to go on holiday with them all for another few years.

His bloody Aunt??

Are they very close, because if not, I'm not sure why the trip is even being considered!

Especially as you have only just seen them all!