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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to my DS?

30 replies

velvetspoon · 21/01/2015 19:24

DS is 16. He wants me to buy him some online tv service which will allow him to watch WWE wrestling. Basically because his friends have it and he thinks he should Hmm

I have said no. Various reasons:

DS is overweight but wants to get fit, so I offered to sign him up to my gym, and pay the first month. He never went, though kept saying he would, and would pay me back. I eventually cancelled it at Xmas, he's not paid a penny.

He already spends a lot of/ too much time playing Xbox and on Skype or Snapchat or Twitter to his friends. He is doing AS levels and has already had a ticking off twice from his school for getting behind with work.

He doesn't do much round the house, makes a mess, and is often pretty rude. He doesn't get up unless I spend 15 mins shouting at him (and run him a bath) every morning.

So generally I am not that well disposed to him atm. And I don't want him having more excuse to be online til all hours.

He says this is v unfair, and I am bu.

I've told him to ask his dad instead. Apparently he has, but his dad (my ex) said he didn't see why he should do it as he already pays DS's xbox Live account, and to ask me.

OP posts:
magpieginglebells · 21/01/2015 19:25

At 16 he can get a part time job and pay for it himself.

macdaddydoodah · 21/01/2015 19:26

Does not sound like yabu! Can he not earn the money to pay for it by helping you and/or doing his school work?

chasingtherainbow · 21/01/2015 19:28

You run him a bath?

Leeds2 · 21/01/2015 19:28

I wouldn't be paying for it.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 21/01/2015 19:28

He has Xmas money to pay the first month himself, but I can see me getting lumbered with something I can't cancel when he then can't afford to pay it in future.

He's tried getting a job, but most places here won't take on anyone under 17 (he's not 17 for another 7 months).

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 21/01/2015 19:28

I'd not be doing anything for an entitled slobby teenager who teated me like his personal slave.

ilovesooty · 21/01/2015 19:31

Can he not earn the money to pay for it by helping you and/or doing his school work

He should be doing his school work and pulling his weight as a minimum anyway.

And why you're running his baths is beyond me.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 21/01/2015 19:31

We don't have a shower (v long story!) and our bath tap is a fancy waterfall type one that takes an eternity (about 15 mins) to fill the bath. I start running it just before I go in to wake him up. By time I've been back a few times and he does get up, bath is ready. if he had to do it he'd be late every morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
velvetspoon · 21/01/2015 19:34

I don't give him pocket money. I've offered to pay him for chores but that never went anywhere!

OP posts:
inchoccyheaven · 21/01/2015 19:34

If he wants it he needs to earn it by doing the things you want him to. Use it as an incentive when you do this you can have that. But if doesn't keep it up once got it you take it away.

evmil · 21/01/2015 19:34

I wouldn't. Perhaps you could suggest to him if he did a bit more for himself and was helpful around the house, worked a bit harder at school ect then you would consider it, but not right now.

ihatethecold · 21/01/2015 19:35

Stop running his baths!

GokTwo · 21/01/2015 19:36

Of course Yanbu. Crikey, he needs to pull his finger out and start helping around the house regardless of getting pocket money for it.

evmil · 21/01/2015 19:37

I should add. I have 3 DSS's (15, 14 and 12). None of them are perfect and DSS1 is right PITA at the minute (trouble with school, the police ect) but they do all pull their weight at home and are generally polite and respectful to me as they know if they are not they won't get anything.

Perhaps start doing a bit less for you son, and he may appreciate you more. This is not always easy i know but worth a try.

Timeforabiscuit · 21/01/2015 19:37

YANBU

Would it be appropriate to just laugh at him? You could use that money on yourself for something frivolous surely?

turningvioletviolet · 21/01/2015 19:42

i'm Shock that you would even need to ask if ybu. If he was mine i'd even stop the xbox thing until he'd got his act together. My DS (17) can be a complete lazy arse in many ways, but he can at least sort out his own personal hygiene routine and has had a part time job since he was 13 and pays his own way for everything (even took dh out for a drink the other night)

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 21/01/2015 19:44

Yanbu. Work out what you want him to do in the house, and for himself. Draw up a list, and tell him if he can do this for one month you will consider funding this.

If he manages this, I would pay for it, but if he failed to complete his chore list or was rude or otherwise badly behaved I would cancel it and he would not be getting it again.

I don't envy you, your ex dropped you right in it by saying 'ask your mum' and I bet he is whining about it to you constantly and your ex has sidestepped that consequence totally.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 21/01/2015 19:45

Evmil, I did say to him that if he wasn't so difficult and argumentative half the time, and did more, I might consider it.

Apparently that was just me making excuses.

He's been a right pita in the past, got better for much of last year. But after being single for 6 years (and him being the man of the house in his eyes) I'm now in a relationship. He gets on pretty well with my bf, but he is definitely feeling a bit put out. However he won't ever discuss anything so I can't speak to him about it. Am just trying to be consistent and not give in to him over stuff.

OP posts:
ByTheWishingWell · 21/01/2015 19:52

I don't think you need an 'excuse'. It is unnecessary and you don't want to pay for it- reason enough.

MinceSpy · 21/01/2015 19:55

He can't sign up for a contract at 16 so simply don't do it. Stop enabling his lifestyle; don't do the wake up and bath running, if he's late then he has to deal with the consequences. As for mess and chores stop doing his laundry and what ever else. You are not doing him any favours, time for some tough love.

notnaice · 21/01/2015 19:56

Tough love.

He's never had to follow through on helping out because you've never enforced it and you've given him money anyway. From now on if he wants to be treated like an adult then he needs to act like one and earn his money for this and his other expenses. Only bother going down this route if you are going to be totally committed to it or you may as well give in now and save the pain.

If he does agree then he stops doing the chores after you've paid the money for this tv thing, then stop him watching it even if you still have to pay the contract. You have to be consistent. If he wants any money at all then he pulls his weight in the house. You could link it to school work but I think he should be doing this regardless.
Stop bailing him out and let him suffer the consequences. I see why you run his bath but I wouldn't be making it my business to get him out of bed. One call and thats it. If he wants to snooze then he sets an alarm with a snooze button. If he's late to school a few times then let school deal with him.

Why should he change when there is no incentives and no natural consequences?

notnaice · 21/01/2015 19:56

x post

Original poster
velvetspoon · 21/01/2015 21:13

If he's late then I'm the one who gets called by his school, told I have to com for meetings, asked to make sure tee he is in on time (at which meetings teachers are surprised I leave home before DS an get home after him, as if working ft was some odd new idea...). So I wake him up because I can do without the grief I, not he, gets from the school when he's late.

I don't give him money though. He gets some from his dad, or selling stuff, but I was only prepared to give money for chores, but he won't do any.

OP posts:
Original poster
velvetspoon · 22/01/2015 08:40

Amazingly he actually got himself up this morning. I'd already started running his bath though.

Will see what happens tomorrow.

OP posts:
notnaice · 22/01/2015 08:54

If he makes life difficult for you then you make life a bit more difficult for him. If you have to go into school then you can reclaim that time back by not cooking him tea or taxiing him around.
Tell school that you wake him up and you will support them in whatever they wish to do about it, however that needs to be between them and him from now on.

Make him take responsibility for himself and his needs. He's virtually an adult now. Will you still be enabling this at 35? You need to start backing off. Lay down your non negotiables, state them clearly, don't get into arguments. Be consistent. Good luck.

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