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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this was completely inappropriate?

52 replies

Pyjamaramadrama · 21/01/2015 16:34

I actually don't think I'm being u at all, but I really didn't know what to say.

The man I sit next to at work is a bit annoying but today he started telling me how his wife wants another baby, fair enough. He then started telling me that's she'll have to have her coil taken out. Ok.

Then he told me how sex really hurts her and how it really puts him off coming, and how he doesn't even get halfway in before she says that he's too big.

I quickly tried to change the subject but he then went in to tell me how his wife was a virgin before they met, and how he definitely wasn't and had, had many, many sexual partners. Followed by a bit more about how sex hurts his wife and she tells him he's too 'big'. The irony is he's a really, really small guy.

Not sure whether I did the right thing by just changing the subject, we definitely don't have a friendship where is expect him to be sharing stuff like that with me.

OP posts:
HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 21/01/2015 16:55

Do you feel that you can say to him "Telling me about your sex life, your wife's vagina and describing your penis to me is inappropriate"

It's quite a jolting way to repeat back to him the information he has given you and put back to him in that way may make him realise just how unacceptable his conduct.

If it doesn't, then a complaint to HR

Women should never have to smile and accept such behaviour.

WhatWouldFlopDo · 21/01/2015 16:56

He sounds like a creep. I would tell him to stop if he starts again, then if he doesn't stop I'd go to HR.

I used to work 70/30 for the HR Director and the Finance Director of a medium sized company when I was in my 20's. Every time the HR Director took flexi and left early the Finance Director would come in and sit with his hands behind his head, legs wide open, telling stories of his sex life. How he had a girlfriend with long nails who left scratches down his back etc etc. I asked him to leave on several occasions and he used to just sit there with a smug look on his face and carry on. It only stopped when I ended up in tears at the HR Director leaving early and she prised out of me what was going on.

To this day I don't know what she said, but it ended there.

Nip it in the bud before you end up pacing around the office to get away from him like I did

MrsCakesPrecognition · 21/01/2015 16:56

do not apologise to him for your failure to clarify that you don't like hearing about his sex life... If you apologise, he will think you are weak and that all this is somehow your fault. The only failure was his.

Original poster
Pyjamaramadrama · 21/01/2015 16:56

Perhaps I'm being naive.

Trouble is with him, he constantly bigs himself up, whether it's about money, work he's doing, now this. I can honestly see all the way through it and find him a complete fool and a joke. But I'm probably too polite and smile and say "that's nice", when he goes on about his imaginary business ventures or how much money he's spent on this or that. So perhaps he felt he could go a step further. All I thought was how awful it must be for his wife, it did not have the desired effect to make me think he's well endowed.

If he says anything like it again I'll be clearer and tell him that he shouldn't be saying this and I don't want to hear anymore (I'm sure he knows this already), then if I do ever feel the need to complain it's more of a thing rather than just something he can describe as a conversation.

I don't know what he was thinking, he's so silly and inadequate I'm not even intimidated by him whereas someone else I might be.

OP posts:
frankie80 · 21/01/2015 16:57

Report him regardless of how good your manager is, because its still important to have a complaint recorded. If your manager doesn't deal with it properly then go above her. No way should you just let it go.

Plomino · 21/01/2015 16:59

I used to work with a colleague who came out with a very similar line of conversation . Unfortunately we'd been partnered up for the shift in the same car, so it wasn't as if I could walk away . I tried the noncommittal uh huh , and then he got out photos of her scantily clad in various poses. At which point noncommittal went out of the window and I had to get very blunt instead , telling him not EVER to do that at work anywhere again .

When I went back to base I mentioned it to one of my closest male mates on the team and it transpired he'd shown them all too. His poor wife ! And she came to the Christmas do totally oblivious to the fact that most people had seen rather more of her than she knew . What a tosser.

RandomNPC · 21/01/2015 17:00

Just tell him that you don't want to hear about his cock? Seems simple enough to me.

Branleuse · 21/01/2015 17:02

when i suggested apologising I meant it so that it was quite clear it was his mistake. i didnt mean a sincere apology

ajandjjmum · 21/01/2015 17:02

I would leave it this time, but if he starts again state very clearly that he is not a friend, this is not an appropriate conversation to be having with a work colleague and you will be speaking to HR about reinforcing boundaries.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 21/01/2015 17:09

Totally totally inappropriate. Put it down to him being a bit of a clueless prat this time, but if he does it again, say 'Whoah there Nelly, not good AT ALL and you really need to stop this or I'll have to go to HR and make a formal complaint. You are creeping me out now.'

Incidentally I know have known a couple of quite small/short men with massive willies.

fuzzpig · 21/01/2015 17:12

In an ideal world I should report something like that but in reality I know I'd still have to work with him.

That's exactly what he's wanking banking on! He knows he can be a creepy git and hopes you will be too uncomfortable to confront.

Prove him wrong :o

choccyp1g · 21/01/2015 17:12

And vice versa (sorry to lower the tone)
Completely inappropriate.

choccyp1g · 21/01/2015 17:13

Was replying to HelloitsstillmeFell

Purpledaisy3 · 21/01/2015 17:17

yanbu. can you move desks?

Branleuse · 21/01/2015 17:24

helloitsstillme - the two biggest willies ive EVER seen have been on shorter than average guys.

Id still rather not be discussing soneones cocksize and certainly not his wifes vagina whilst at work

HelloItsStillMeFell · 21/01/2015 17:24
Grin
iklboo · 21/01/2015 17:27

Buy a watermelon & plonk it on the desk in front of him. Tell him loudly that when his wife gives birth she'll be pushing something that big out of her clacker so no WAY is he too fucking big.

Then go to HR.

BuzzardBird · 21/01/2015 17:34

How did you not laugh in his face when he implied he has a big cock?

If he brings it up again,I would suggest to him that if his wife can push a baby outa her vagina then it is highly likely that she is saying that to him because she doesn't want to have sex with him.

Are his hands very big? Grin

Original poster
Pyjamaramadrama · 21/01/2015 17:46

I'm positive that I had my cringe/horrified face on. I kind of leaned back and raised my eyebrows and screwed up my face. I in no way let him think that this was a two way conversation.

OP posts:
Unidentifieditem · 21/01/2015 17:49

Next time ask "sorry are you telling me you have a big cock or that you ARE a big cock?" And walk off

RandomNPC · 21/01/2015 17:52

Nah, they only looked big because the men were small, it's perspective innit? Same reason they looked smaller on the taller guys, yes, that's definitely it. I'm 6ft 2

yellowdinosauragain · 21/01/2015 17:56

Snorting at iklboo :D op you really should do that!

With my sensible hat on I'd have to agree with the tell him it's inappropriate if he does it again and talk to HR if he doesn't listen.

wanttosqueezeyou · 21/01/2015 17:59

"Can I stop you there? That's way too much information for me"

If he persists you could add "please stop, I don't want to hear anymore about your penis"

Original poster
Pyjamaramadrama · 21/01/2015 18:14

I like some of these hilarious responses unfortunately the humour would be completely lost on him.

OP posts:
CrazyBaubles · 21/01/2015 18:19

I have recently had one of these join my team in work. He's recently single and spends most of his day talking complete bollocks abouta the women he's supposedly sleeping with and the extravagant holidays he's apparenty arranging. The whole team think he is a joke - he talks
And we kind of roll our eyes and ignore.

Unfortunately for him he's also a complete sexist pig. He made some inappropriate comments to Amy, a young girl on the team (along the lines of "me and x had sex in my car on the weekend. She did A, B and C for/to me. Does your boyfriend do that for you? You look like it's your sort of thing...") poor girl is only 19. She was trying to laugh it off but was clearly Uncomfortable. In the end I decided direct would be best and just told him his comments were unwelcome and inappropriate, that he was fooling no-one and that things like that get people in trouble with HR. And if Amy wanted to make a complaint, I for one would be backing her up.
He tried to get people inside - "come on Crazy, I was only joking..." but stopped that when he realised no one was laughing. He's stopped doing it in my earshot since.

Be direct and firm. It is not a joke and he knows exactly what he's doing and if he doesn't stop it, tell him you're going to HR then follow through.