Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Advice about my friend

19 replies

JessAh · 21/01/2015 16:20

Hi,

This is being written with the best of intentions, we go way back (school) and I am concerned about her. It's as simple as that.

We're 29. Friend concerned clearly has an issue with alcohol in the sense that a couple of drinks in and she's a mess. In a nutshell: she becomes embarrassingly loud, is rude (especially to bar/restaurant staff - my pet hate), is hugely flirtatious (and looks nuts), tells constant crude jokes, talks frequently about sex, loses all social awareness and generally attracts constant attention and seems on another planet and acts quite passive-aggressively (enormously embarrassing when she does this with people she doesn't know very well and friends of friends etc).

She behaved like this when she attended my hen night and subsequent wedding in the summer. I'm ashamed to say that she really showed me up on both occassions but i wouldn't dream of saying anything to her about it. She means well, but her lack of social awareness when drinking IS a problem imho.

I met her on Saturday night and the same thing happened. One drink in and all of this behaviour comes out. My husband and his friend later joined us and I felt like sellotaping her mouth.

She has always liked a drink and I am not suggesting she is addicted to alcohol, rather she has a problem with the effects of alcohol almost immediately (I appreciate that alcoholism is a complex disease and this is only part of it) and i worry that it will land her in trouble. The events of my hen and wedding and subsequent nights out with her have left me feeling very uneasy and i think of it often. I am concerned for her. WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

JessAh · 21/01/2015 16:29

Ultimately, would you say something?

OP posts:

NorwaySpruce · 21/01/2015 16:29

I'm not sure you can do anything.

At some point she will just have to grow out of it. If one drink affects her that way, she'll have to want to stop drinking.

The prompt might be changing the company she keeps/professional reputation (does she drink at work events?)/having children around, that kind of thing.

Or she might develop more of a tolerance to alcohol.

Either way, it has to come from her.

Although it wouldn't do any harm to point out to her how irritating and embarrassing she becomes.

I guess people must have done that already?

pinkdelight · 21/01/2015 16:29

Why wouldn't you dream of saying anything about it to her? How else is she going to know that what she's doing is out of order? If she showed you up at your wedding that's a big deal. Are you just going to keep putting up with it? I think friends should be able to talk about these things. And for what it's worth, depending on how much she 'likes a drink' and whether she's able to go without or not, there may well be an element of alcoholism here. It sounds very much like a friend of mine who has only just sorted himself out and gone tee-total after twenty years of a downward spiral. Conflicts with friends and cutting himself off from them was all part of it and I guess it needed to happen till he hit rock bottom and realised he needed to pick himself up. If I were you I'd raise it with her, kindly, and if she over-reacted then I'd know that there really was a deeper problem. Otherwise her reaction would be to say sorry and try not to do it again.

Hobsandpeanuts · 21/01/2015 16:29

You have to decide if you are prepared to loose her as a friend if you do confront her about this issue.

She may very well take it very badly. Sadly there are a huge number of enablers in our society who will tell her that her behaviour is perfectly normal and that she is only 'having fun' and that you are a prude.

If you don't want to go down this route and run that risk, can you socialise with her in situations which don't involve alcohol? Perhaps go on walks, lunch time meals, shopping trips, that sort of thing?

Original poster

JessAh · 21/01/2015 16:37

Thanks for your responses.

She takes things quite personally and I am not hugely confrontational. Essentially, she has quite low self-esteem i think but also very confident sexually and with other men, it seems.

Trouble is, i wonder how much of a night she can actually remember because she is totally oblivious. Which in many ways makes it worse imo. During our evening out on Sat (and when she was already very drunk (we'd only had 3 glasses), we got talking about the wedding/hen do. She commented on two of my friends which she liked and said she didn't like the others. Was my perfect opportunity to say that perhaps she was subconsciously picking up on the fact that her behaviour wasn't particularly endearing. For the record, my friends did have a bit of a laugh with me about how drunk she was but they were very friendly with her throughout, although her behaviour does repell if you aren't used to her. I would behave the same towards someone else if in that position to be fair.

OP posts:

wowfudge · 21/01/2015 16:39

If you are a friend, then you should tell her - when she is sober. Can you record her so she sees what you see? There is a tendency to minimise such behaviour when embarrassed. If she doesn't care then there is little you can do. Are you sure it is as bad as you say?

Chillyegg · 21/01/2015 16:42

If you were my best friend if expect you to tell me! I'd be mortified and want to know and do something about it!

Original poster

JessAh · 21/01/2015 16:45

Thanks wowfudge.

Yes it really is bad. I could see the look on my friends' faces at my hen and they were stunned. I might add that none of them are hermits or uptight. She acts cheap and nasty (lowest point was when she announced completely out of the blue during my hen do about having sex in the most inappropriately public places). Really crass and vulgar.

Ultimately i dont want to come across as a smug married iyswim. She has a tendancy to think that people who disapprove are just "boring". In fact, her ex boyfriend (about 2 years ago) actually used to have a real problem with her drinking. He didn't like who she became when she drank. She brushed it off as him being unreasonable and simply due to the fact that he wasn't a drinker himself (drank quite infrequently). I don't know if anyone else has ever called her up on it. The bottom line is that she is the most awful drunk you can imagine and it looks worse with someone who isn't a teenager.

OP posts:

OrangesJuicyOranges · 21/01/2015 16:50

Could you video her? If you all went out and filmed parts of the night and played it to her (under the pretext of just videoing it for fun) she might get a wake up call.

Original poster

JessAh · 21/01/2015 16:55

Oranges, I think that is a great suggestion. Thing is, we don't have mutual friends so i only ever see her alone. Hence why she embarrassed me so much at my hen. All my other friends were stunned to finally meet her. I dont think anyone would expect that kind of behaviour from someone. Just to add, it has definitely got worse over the past few years.

OP posts:

loveareadingthanks · 21/01/2015 16:55

She probably won't grow out of it. I know someone in their 50s who still can't handle their drink and turns into an arsehole.

I think you either need to say something or stop socialising around alcohol with her and just meet for lunchtime coffees or something.

Original poster

JessAh · 21/01/2015 17:03

You're probably right.

I can't imagine this personality only comes out with me. If her other friends are oblivious to this behaviour i would be very surprised.

OP posts:

PurpleStripedSock · 21/01/2015 17:32

It seems odd that she goes from sober to painfully embarrassing over one drink so I'm wondering if she's taking medication? It's a long shot but if she's on any kind of antidepressants this could happen.

It will be a tough conversation (if you end up having if with her) as I imagine if someone broached something like this with me, I'd get defensive and upset.

Good luck. It sounds really awkward.

DoJo · 21/01/2015 17:36

It does sound like something you should mention - she might be unaware, she might think that other people don't notice, or she might be half-hoping that someone will confront her to give her the motivation to change. It sounds like it's close to being a choice between telling her how you feel and letting the friendship slide, so if you like her and want her to be happy then give her the chance to do something about it.

Alisvolatpropiis · 21/01/2015 18:40

I'd say something. She will almost certainly take it badly but it is her problem to address as she sees fit, or not as the case may be.

desertmum · 21/01/2015 19:46

is it possible that she has been drinking before she goes out ? My Dsis gets like this seemingly after a few drinks, but the reality is that she has been drinking on and off all day.

mickeyfartpants · 21/01/2015 20:51

Please talk to her. My mothers friends enabled her for 20 years while she ruined her life with drink. I was the only one (a child) who ever told her she had a problem and yes I suffered for it, even her friends would tell me that drinking yourself in to a stupor every night was totally normal - because they just didn't want to get involved and did the whole 'none of my business' routine. She woke up after I went NC and now credits me as the reason she gave it up. She's been dry for 10 years.

If someone you care about needs help, it IS your business.

MyOneandYoni · 21/01/2015 20:56

If a friend of mine had ruined my hen night and wedding, she wouldn't be my friend any more.
Seriously, you don't need to spend time with her.

Lammy7 · 21/01/2015 21:10

This is a tough one! You probably have some inkling of how your friend will react if you confront her.
If it was my close friend from years back I would definitely tell her (gently) that alcohol does not suit her.
If it was myself carrying on like this I would want a friend to tell me.
Weigh it all up (good advice given so far). If you feel you cannot say anything then you will lose/limit the friendship anyway as you won't want to be around her in social situations where alcohol is involved.

Flip