AIBU to feel awful about being signed off sick?

[KentExpecting]

Having a debate with my DH about this - he thinks I'm BU, I think I'm NBU.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my first child. Don't think I fully appreciated what being pregnant would be like - there seems to be a conspiracy out there to ensure that childless women don't find out how debilitating pregnancy can be until they're upduffed themselves! Morning All-day sickness till 22 weeks followed by all-day heartburn, sciatica, bla bla. All of that.

I managed to deal with that stuff more or less ok. No time off work.

However, I've suffered from severe clinical depression for the last 10 years. It's usually very well managed - low dose antidepressant in Summer, medium to high dose in Winter. I'm off meds due to pregnancy. GP, midwife etc were fully warned at my booking-in appointment in July that I would require additional support during pregnancy, especially November - February as that's when I normally need a decent dose of chemicals.

To cut a long story short, both midwife and GP have really missed the boat. Kept telling me they were referring me to counselling, to peri-natal MH services for extra support, but none of it has actually materialised. I found out 2 weeks ago that the referrals I was promised weren't even done. GP has now done an urgent referral and I've been signed off sick. Taking antidepressants isn't a realistic option as the one (!) medication that doesn't give me killer side effects would have killer side effects on my baby. Possibly literally.

So I'm off sick. I have a pretty 'high-powered' job, managing a significant team of people, and I actually love my job when I'm not too exhausted to even open my eyes in the morning or burst into tears every 30 seconds.

GP and DH are both saying I should just stay off sick till the baby arrives now. But I very, very strongly feel that I'm letting people down. My maternity cover hasn't started the job yet, handover materials have not been done, my boss is useless (He reacted to me being off by 'parking' all my work so I can deal with it when I'm back. Even the super urgent stuff. So if I go back, I go back to a crazy pile of overdue work.), my team is lost... I just feel completely and utterly useless, like I'm letting the team down. My head is racing with all the unfinished work and I worry about it endlessly.

In 10 years of dealing with this depression crap, I've never been signed off because of it unless you count an essay extension of 3 days in my final year at uni.

AIBU to want to go back to work next week, even if I'm not feeling myself?

No of course not but don't do it. Accept what they are telling you and rest. It's such a short amount of time in the scheme of things and you and the baby are the priority.

I say this as a high powered business woman (what a dick to describe myself like that) who wasn't allowd back to work after 32 weeks as too ill. I begged and begged and did one more week to handover and no one fucking thanked me for it, I didnt get a medal and even if you bend over backwards, no one remembers anyway, they only remember the people who take the piss. You aren't one of these.

Get into bed, put the telly on and make a list of things you need to take in your hopaital bag. Pick out the baby's first outfit and drink a nice cup of tea.

Xxxxxx

Donot go back to work. You need to think and YOU and your BABY. YOur manager's uselessness is not your problem- he will in the end have to sort it out. As long as you make it clear what is happening and dont make promises to go back then ultimately he has to deal with it. You will not be thanked for it - in fact he will want more.
Your GP is thinking of your health - listen to him or you will pay later.
Like the OP says- have a cuppa , lie in bed and look forward to your baby. Think about yourself - for a change xx

I also have a senior position and line manage list of people etc. I was signed off from 25 weeks pregnant with rib pain that meant I couldn't sit, stand or drive. I felt awful about it and there's no cute for feeling this way - it's your work ethic. By the time you return from maternity everyone will have forgotten about how long you had off anyway. Now baby is here, I couldn't care less what's going on at work and I never thought I'd say that

No I don't think YABU to want to go back to work, but you would BU to actually go back.
Your boss is totally not dealing with this in the right way & obviously does not have any appreciation of the fact that your illness is serious and enough to mean that you can't cope with work & especially a "pile" work being stored up for your return. What would they do if (heaven forbid) you were run over by a bus tomorrow & were in hospital long term? They would have to find a solution. If they were arranging Mat Cover then they will have to bring that forward.
Being off & having lots of unfinished tasks is obviously making you very stressed out & that is not good for you or your baby. I wouldn't suggest going back to work for anyone signed off but you aren't going to relax whilst worrying about what is going on in your absence. To help you feel less anxious could you delegate some of your urgent work to your team over the phone/ by email for an hour or so in the day or suggest to them that you go in for say half a day over a week or so - or ask the Mat Cover to visit you at home to do the handover. On your terms only - if you don't feel up to it then you don't do it.

The doctor has signed you off for a reason - you are not fit for work. As another poster has already said they won't remember in a few weeks time you will have a newborn baby to look after & you need all the strength you can get for that!

This is your boss's problem to sort out that's why they are there & get paid for doing their job. Do you have an HR dept or Manager that you could speak to?

Hope you can sort this out.

Yanbu, but as someone who was in a very similar role and position re pregnancy, please listen to your gp and dh. Your Team will survive without you, they will think no less of you, it won't affect your career in the longer term and the time away could make a huge difference for you and your baby.

I have never had to suffer the effects of depression, so feel free to ignore this, but I have an idea that 'feeling you are letting those around you down' can be part of the way it makes you feel. In which case, accept that it's a symptom of your illness in the same way as you would recognise a cough as being part of the flu. Feeling that way doesn't mean you ought to be at work, it means you ought to accept what the GP and your DH say and take steps to help yourself and the baby, which is to take the time off that you need.

It's not your fault if your manager and team have to find ways of coping without you. They are adults and will have to sort themselves out without you for this time. Your priority has to be your health, and if your GP and husband are in agreement that you need to take the time off, they know you and they know about depression, and you should go with that.

Another one chiming in with please please don't go back to work. I was signed off at 27 weeks - felt desperately awful about it. Didn't want to be 'that' pregnant woman.

Went back after 2 weeks and just shouldn't have. No one actually cared and made a bit of a tit of myself trying to go in but then having to leave halfway through the day! (Days - I'm a sucker for punishment)

They will HAVE to sort the work in your absence - just relax. Look after yourself!

They will all survive, honestly, and the work will have to get done.
You have to put yourself and your health first.
Please don't go back.

You haven't let your team down at all. Your depression has, up until now, been well managed, and the only reason it's not so well managed now is because your midwife and GP haven't done what they were supposed to. If your team have been 'let down' it's because of them not you. Going back before you're ready doesn't sound like a good idea. The last thing you want to do is over-tax yourself and potentially end up exacerbating both your health situation and the situation at work. It isn't your responsibility to carry them through your legitimate leave!

Concentrate on yourself, your health and your baby. Don't go back until you're truly well enough, and able to do a proper job of sorting out whatever mess that might still be hanging around from your absence - you've been signed off for a reason, park the guilt and let them do their jobs till you're able to go back and do yours again. You need to be fit and well for that, so play the long game and take the proper time off that you need!

Thanks guys, you have no idea how good it is to hear from people who've been in the same situation - i.e. signed off during pregnancy and finding it tricky as it clashes with their normal work ethic! This helps put it into perspective.

It's really weird, but although I've had depression for so many years and I'm the first person to tell others what a debilitating illness it is, I still can't see it as a reason to be signed off sick. I always see it as a weak excuse.

DH now agrees with AMumInScotland and says me wanting to go back is a symptom of the depression itself.

I also agree Kent, your depression is making your thinking unclear.

Take your GP's advice, they've seen it all before. You must learn to trust.

Have a wonderful pregnancy and get yourself nice and rested before the bomb arrives.

Bomb= baby apt typo!

Listen to your GP.

Be kind to yourself. If this was happening to a member of your team how would you respond?

Your boss will have to step up sooner or later; it's not your problem.

Look after yourself and your baby. It will all be fine.

It does feel like a bomb is about to hit me...

Don't have advice on the work front but it is certainly not your fault you ve been let down by your medical team.

Is there someone above your boss you can have a word with about he dumping all work to be finished when you come back idea ? (Although by the time you come back off maternity leave I imagine your boss will have realised the error of that idea !)

Agree with above. Take the opportunity to put your health first.

When you finally get to see a specialist, I wonder if they'll have suggestions of medication you can take for the rest of your pregnancy.

I think we're harsher on ourselves when we're not well than we are on other people. I'm sure if it was a colleague going through this you would want them to stay off?

I struggled back to work in my pregnancy when I should have stayed off and I still regret it. You won't be as productive as you would normally be, your health will deteriorate further and, yeah, don't expect any thanks from work for putting yourself through all of that stress .

You need to put you and your baby first.

Getting through the rest of your pregnancy and keeping your unborn baby safe and well is your work now. The rest of it will be sorted, somehow, by someone, and the world will keep turning.

I don't think I'll even see a specialist before the baby arrives now - the referral has been done 2 weeks ago and all I've had so far is a letter telling me I have to call a number to schedule an initial assessment call... But when I call, I only reach an answerphone. I've left 4 messages so far, but no call back from them.

I know you feel as though youre letting the team down, but managers are there to do just that - manage. Its their problem, not yours. I think youre feeling so bad about it because it could have been avoided, but that was beyond your control, so really dont beat yourself up about it.

I'm not pregnant but am a long term sufferer of depression.

I've only been signed off once but come pretty close a few times. The thought of it does bring about feelings of guilt even though it shouldn't.

Try to focus on you and the baby - you wouldn't do anyone any favours going into work in your condition as you wouldn't be able to do your job properly.

I know exactly what you mean. I am 30 weeks and having to work from home as I can't walk without crutches & painkillers. It's so frustrating when you are normally so in control, and for me this is the first time in my working career when I have no control at all. My boss also hasn't sorted any maternity cover though he completely understands I can't come into the office. I have a big conference to run in two weeks which I am having to do remotely. I just don't want to get forced to take maternity leave early as I want to spend my time with the baby when it arrives. It is the one time in your life when you actually have to put yourself first or the consequence could be harm to your baby.

I was signed off at 25 weeks due to Hyperemesis and severe SPD. I was told by my GP and my physio that I needed to be off until the baby came but I foolishly tried to go back after a few weeks. I wasn't well enough to be at work. I knew it and everyone else knew it. I shouldn't have been there but I felt so guilty about my team and my Boss at the time was a nightmare so I was worried she would hold my absence against me. It was a huge mistake. For a start, it wasn't appreciated. My managers didn't offer me any support or make any reasonable adjustments, instead they seemed to think that they were entitled to give me extra work because I'd just "had a break" . Of course, being back at work exacerbated my condition and I ended up going off work again. All I had achieved was to put off the inevitable and put myself (and my baby) through a lot of unnecessary stress in the process. My lovely GP was the one who eventually talked some sense into me. She told me "Pregnancy is such a short time out of your life, you have the rest of your life to worry about work. This short time is about you and your baby". She was right. At the time I felt terribly guilty but now I look back and wonder what I got so worked up about. The place didn't collapse around me. The world kept turning. Take care of you and yours, everything else is secondary.

Please don't go back OP.I promise you that as soon as your baby arrives you will see it all falls into place and you will know that staying away was the best thing.

You need to put yourself and therefore the baby first at this crucial time.

Honestly you are not irreplaceable and your boss will have to start earning their money by managing the situation properly.

Best of luck.

Thanks so much for all your advice.

I'm just about to leave for another midwife appointment and I can't see a point in even attending that as they still have not sorted anything out for me. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect miracles, but they told me they'd referred me to someone who specialises in perinatal depression months ago and it was just a blatant lie. So today I'll sit there again, ask about my referral and what support they are offering me, but AFAIK I'm seeing yet another new midwife today and she won't have a clue what I'm talking about. So I'll be sent away with a vague promise of checking the files... and then nothing, again. It feels so pointless.

Sorry about the whinge. Better get ready so I don't miss the massively important appointment.