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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think you shouldn't take your dc's godparents for granted?

23 replies

kinkytoes · 19/01/2015 14:45

I've never been invited to my dgs's birthday parties, even though they hired a hall for the most recent one (couple of weeks ago). It's not like I live far away, I don't, and I have dc a similar age.

I never receive any thanks from dgs for gifts bought by us. This year received no thanks at all, even from his parents, whereas I always send thanks to them for presents given to my dc.

I don't really see them much any more as our lives have taken different turns over recent years. This is fair enough, but I still think this is all a bit one sided now. Feels like I'm just expected to turn up on their doorstep each birthday and Christmas to deposit a present.

AIBU to feel a bit fed up with all this?

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 19/01/2015 15:01

Wow sounds hard. Mabey she is distancing. Do you see them often¿

Aeroflotgirl · 19/01/2015 15:02

Mabey distance yourself, it sounds as though they already have. Stop sending presents.

Original poster

kinkytoes · 19/01/2015 15:24

Thank you. Yes, this could be it. I wouldn't mind if she was. This is how a 'normal' friendship would naturally end. I guess I just see it differently because of the godparent element of it.

OP posts:

HiawathaDidntBotherTooMuch · 19/01/2015 15:31

I very graciously turned down an invitation to be a godmother once, as I got the impression that I would very much have been a 'faith godmother' and had basically been asked to ensure expensive present giving. Stop sending gifts. Could you be more present in their lives though? Or do you feel that you do all the giving of help, guidance, gifts etc and that there isn't much of a return relationship?

Stubbed · 19/01/2015 15:31

You made a commitment to the child, right? I'm not sure how old they are but I would carry on with it regardless of your friendship with the parents.
Yes, it might be just about presents while they are small but what if they could do with the help of an adult when they are older?

But why not invite the child out somewhere just the two of you? Treat them to lunch in a cafe? Try and maintain a relationship with the child that is not just about presents.

HiawathaDidntBotherTooMuch · 19/01/2015 15:32

Fairy godmother, not faith godmother!

Original poster

kinkytoes · 19/01/2015 15:43

Yes I did Stubbed and this is why I have persevered for so long. He is only 6 and I hardly know him as see them all so rarely. I don't think he'd enjoy a trip out just the two of us. I will always be here for him if he ever needs me, but with the relationship between me and his parents fading, it's hard to maintain a relationship with him.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 19/01/2015 16:14

Not much you can do, this is a two way thing, at the moment the boy is still very young, you woukd have to go through the parents. Mabey it's that, tgey just wanted you at the time, but not now.

Flomple · 19/01/2015 16:25

I wouldn't take the party to heart, especially if your DC don't really know each other other. People often do class only or whatever, they don't always invite random friends who won't know anyone else.

However the wider issue is awkward. Do they still send gifts to your DC? If so, at least that is some sort of acknowledgement. We've reached the point with DP's goddaughter that DP still sends gifts to GD and sibs, but they are never acknowledged, and GD's parents have stopped sending to our DC. I think he is a bit stumped on what to do next.

rallytog1 · 19/01/2015 16:28

If it was a church christening, your promises revolved around praying for the child, being there for them and helping them to think about the bigger questions in life. Those promises should be lived out over a lifetime, and are about much more than parties or presents.

It's hard when you feel cut out as a godparent (I am in a similar position with my dgd), but the important thing is that you carry on being there for the child.

wheresthelight · 19/01/2015 16:32

My daughters godparents are a massive part of her life and I hope they always will be.

unfortunately where my own godchildren are concerned I no longer see them or have much to do with them. where my two godsons are concerned their mum and I had a falling out because she was passing info on to my ex after being asked not to. I didn't want it to effect the boys but unfortunately it has.

my goddaughter lives 200 miles away and ever since I left my husband her mum has refused to speak to me so I can only assume my ex has filled her head with all sorts of crap and she has believed it.

DuchessDisaster · 19/01/2015 16:38

My SIL had a wonderful way of explaining to her eldest son, who is my godson, what a godmother is. A godmother is a "special" aunt. I have 2 godchildren, eldest child of my sister (girl) and my brother (boy). I do have a slightly more "special" relationship with both of them, but am close to all nieces and nephews.
As I live abroad, I would not expect to be invited to significant birthdays.
I should add that I have/had 2 brilliant godmothers (and a rather rubbish godfather). One of my godmothers was so brilliant that I always wanted to be a godmother, rather than a "real" mother.

charlestonchaplin · 19/01/2015 17:07

If the OP hardly has a relationship with her godson now it is difficult to imagine him turning to her for help when he is older or him looking to her to help him 'think about the bigger questions in life'.

OP: I would stop the Christmas presents, send only modest birthday presents but most importantly, try to be more involved in his life. If his parents are reluctant for greater involvement and you feel the present-giving is just one big charade, then you may decide to stop the presents altogether and just stick to cards. However it isn't clear to me whether you really want a greater involvement in his life, or whether what you want is to change the current regarding presents.

Original poster

kinkytoes · 20/01/2015 05:12

Thank you all for responding. It is such an awkward situation. We don't really enjoy the parents' company any more and like I say, this friendship would have run its natural course by now if it were not for the godparent part. Either way, the present thing is just a symptom of the wider problem. If I felt they were at least appreciated then maybe I wouldn't feel like it's all so pointless. Re the birthday celebrations, by not being invited I feel like his parents aren't that bothered if I'm involved or not. Maybe they're really not! My dgs has several other godparents so I suppose I could just be surplus to requirements now.

OP posts:

Justyouwaitandsee · 20/01/2015 05:38

I have never received gifts from my godparents. My GM is a distant relative and not overly friendly or warm. My GF is my uncle who lives overseas. Although he is far away and I don't see much of him, I have a special item of jewellery he gave when I was young, he always takes time to write and keep in touch, and was thrilled when I asked him to speak at my wedding, I think the spiritual side of being a godparent is the most important, not constant material gifts. You can take a step back and let the children know you will always be there for them if needed.

ConceptionZilla · 20/01/2015 07:37

Can you talk with the parents? Not about the party, as someone else up thread said there may be other reason for that. But explain you made a commitment (I assume) in church and you want to continue to honour that by being in the child's life? Ask them how they feel about your role now and how it might work in DGCs life? I'd not let it fade off if I were in your shoes. I think it's a big thing that's worth at least a conversation?

Aeroflotgirl · 20/01/2015 09:08

I woukd step back now, not much you can do. Mabey write the child a letter telling them you will be there if they need. But some parents have godparents, for show, rather like bridesmaids or best men, it's part of the day kind of thing, without expecting you to take An active pArt in the child's life. You said the child had other godparents.

flipchart · 20/01/2015 09:15

It's just occurred to me I can't recall who DC's god parents are!

brassbrass · 20/01/2015 09:22

We were in a similar situation with little or no involvement with the parents during the rest of the year but left with that awkward feeling that we were expected to send gifts and cards.

They never once so much as sent our DC a birthday card.

We've now stopped. We see them rarely and it's perfectly polite but nothing more.

LostOnLand · 20/01/2015 09:36

It sounds like it's safe to step back now, perhaps just send cards. I'm not sure how much these things mean to people, especially if they aren't actually religious. We've lost a god parent to a falling out, DH was a god parent to their children too but it was for the best, his wife was poisonous and he was blind to it. Another just stopped bothering with us, I tried to keep her in my life and therefore our family's life, I'm not going to fight to do so but it does hurt she hasn't bothered with cards or contact since the baptism itself - something happened in her life so it does hurt but I'd welcome her contact if she tried. It sounds like most godparents don't end up fulfilling the role right through into adulthood and it's understandable as life changes and people drift apart.

VenusRising · 20/01/2015 09:41

I have the same thing with one of my GC, now I ask specifically for acknowledgement of the presents, and pester by text to see if it has arrived (I send them by post).
They're learning to send little notes now to thank me! I'm glad I kept giving, even though the mum is rather dour and thinks gifts are some kind of unwanted charity.

I buy a lot of little thoughtful / quirky presents all together for my GCs (on the sales.) I store them and send them off when it's coming up to birthdays. It reduces the head space needed.

I think it's worth keeping sending them, but send them by post, and ask if they've arrived!

Nothing nicer than to get a parcel by the Postie!

I loved my GPs.

Waitingonasunnyday · 20/01/2015 09:42

I've been v clear with my DC's godparents that it isn't about gifts - they are really truly not expected.

You do have to work at relationships with children and if their parents won't help it is hard. My Godsons are small and I try and do little 'spiritual' things like send Advent calendars - when they are bigger will take them to Christingle / messy church type stuff. I also take them to park/babysit/swimming. But their parents are lovely and allow all this.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/01/2015 09:49

Waiting it certainly helps if the parents are close and are allowing this type of relationship, which does not seem like here. As I said it is a two way thing, if op is doing all the running, but parents don't care. I suppose op has been trying for 6 years, that's a long time. I would step back imho.

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