Oh God, I really put my foot in it this time!

[BillieAteMyRock]

I am a member of an ameatur dramatics group and back in November a young woman joined. She's very sweet but also very quiet and reserved...some people even thought she was a mute at first because she was so quiet and didn't say anything! But I have spoken to her a couple of times and it's true she doesn't say much but is very nice. I thought she was just very shy.

Anyways yesterday it was a dress rehearsal and she was also there helping out. Afterwards her mum arrived to pick her up. This was the first time I've met her mum so I got chatting to her whilst we were waiting for her daughter to get ready to leave.

It was all going fine until I brought up the fact that she was very quiet and shy and that maybe being a part of this group would help bring her out of her shell a bit but her mum said "well actually she's autistic so she probably never will be a social butterfly." I was at this and didn't know what to say. I had no idea she was autistic and just automatically assumed she was very shy.

I hope I didn't offend her mum by assuming this, do you think I would have done?

I also found out she's actually 23 and not the 18/19 year old I assumed she was. She comes across a lot younger and looks younger too.

I feel so awkward.

I'm sure her mum won't mind and will probably be glad that get daughter has someone looking out for her at the group

It doesn't sound like you said anything awful and hopefully the mum could tell you were speaking kindly.

I totally understand why you're kicking yourself a bit but I don't think the mum would have taken what you said badly. More she was just letting you know

Oh dear, I'm sure the mum wasn't offended, but there were so many things you could have responded with!

Something like 'how great that she's chosen to get involved in amateur dramatics then!' for starters....

I hope you didn't go completely silent.

Please keep talking to them both. It's great that she was being so open about it, because hopefully then no one in the group will put pressure on the young girl to be more open and talkative than she could cope with being.

Don't feel akward. You did not know. Of course you WERE assuming the best process to "bring her out" without checking if that was what she wanted. But I can sort of see that there's an expected exuberance with am dram. Perhaps she is looking for an environment where her "label" is absent?

Going forward, try to establish what she wants to be involved in, what will help her (based on what you have said do ask her in the first instance as you have some connection thrre) get the most out of situations. Make the group aware of positive steps to support the new group member.
(So don't tell them what not to do, just say you've talked to [new person] and if we can do x that would work for her).

I don't think you would have caused offence. My ds has ASD and can sometimes come over as being quite rude or abrupt as he finds socialising so difficult. I wouldn't expect people to realise he was autistic without being told. He finds it easier to speak to people once he get to know them better and gets more used to a new situation.

I don't think she'll have been offended, nearly everyone assumes my dd is shy as opposed to having autism...suppose it's one of the plus points to it being a hidden disability

No it's fine...my friend likes it when people give her a reason to tell them her son is autistic. She finds it's better than her just coldly informing others of him.

I doubt you caused offence, but maybe worth thinking about that being quiet and reserved isn't necessarily a problem to be 'solved', unless the person him or herself is desperate to change...?

I don't know from your post how old this young woman is, but I would have thought having one's shyness discussed by a fellow club member and your mother was more than a bit humiliating, even if well-meant.