To think that bereavement has made me cold and lacking in compassion

[caramelswirl]

I was browsing through Facebook last night and one of my girls I knew at school had sadly lost her grandmother. Of course, I posted a brief message of condolence which was perfectly pleasant and fitting for the occasion.

However, the first thought that jumped into my mind was along the lines of surprise that someone my age still has a grandparent. Mine died very young, followed by both parents in my teens (separate occasions.)

To my shame, rather than sympathising with people who have lost their parent or grandparent, my instinctive thoughts often go along the lines that the person concerned should be grateful they had their for so many years longer than I did.

I should add, this isn't something I ever verbalise, which is possibly why I have 'owned up' on here, and I wonder if anyone else ever has similar thoughts which they suspect do not reflect particularly well on you as a person.

I haven't lost anyone younger than 80 year old relatives but I understand and can imagine why you feel that way... when my dad died it was sad but also we felt happy that he had a wonderful, long life and had done everything he wanted to do.

OP, I can understand how you're feeling, YANBU. Family members have been posting on Facebook about the loss of a grandparent who lived long enough to see her great grandchildren.

Last week I lost a friend who's daughter is only 2. To me old people dying is when life has gone right and we should celebrate and be thankful for that. I cannot come close to feeling as sad about that as I do about my friend .

OP, I feel similarly.

I have a friend who has a number of relatives in their 80s and 90s (she like me is early 40s). Any tiny decline in their health is very traumatic for her, she was terribly upset when one died last summer. I wouldn't say I was unsympathetic to her loss, but to me her family have either had their four score years and ten or are very close to it. They've lived full lives, but they're very old now...their deaths must almost be expected.

That probably makes me sound rather heartless. However as today its 21 years since my mum died (when I was 21 and she was only 54 ) it's probably not the best thread for me to be commenting on.

Op you are definitely not being unreasonable. My mum died in my twenties and I am in my forties now. Not a day goes by when I don't think about her. I'm desperately sad that I never got to talk to her about all the baby stuff. I have 3dcs and she never met them. I never even talked to her about babies as I was not into that in my twenties. When I was pregnant, I really wanted to talk to her about pregnancy and birth and what it was like for her. I wanted to hear all her stories of my child hood. When I feel really down and wonder if I'm even coping with it all, I just want to ask her if I'm doing alright and if I'm a good mum. I just want to talk to her. I can't even remember what she sounded like. I never asked her for recipes for meals she used to cook which were delicious. There are so Many things I feel sad for about her leaving us. A well meaning friend of mine said to me shortly after my mum died, "I know how you feel, my Gran's just died". I offered her sympathy and felt sorry for her loss, but I also felt quite cross that she'd compared the death of her gran with the death of my mum. I'm sure she was very close to her gran, but I felt bitter none the less. Hugs to all on here x

But... The loss of a person from your life is the loss of a person from your life, surely? It isn't better because they had a good innings! I used to be jealous of people whose parents had died as I'd had to live with losing my father to drink and mental illness and see him going from a mentor and a huge part of my life to the sort of person people step over in the street. Ultimately though the jealousy was just a different sort of grief, and fifteen years on I have learned to see it as just part of life's ordinary heartbreak too. I still wish he could have been the sort of grandfather to my kids that he could have been... He was a great dad in the early years. It just hasn't anything to do with anyone else's grief. However, perhaps I had to come to terms with that pretty early on as it was never recognised as a grief by others or something people would commiserate with you about, it was more the sort of thing you got furtive glances and averted eyes over.

I think what I am trying to say in a cack handed way is that I simply can't identify with how it feels to lose a grandparent.

It is like trying to get someone to sympathise with losing a pet if they have never had one.

I disagree duplodon. It is better if they have had a good innings because knowing that provides some comfort. It doesn't make the experience grief-free, but it does make it less sad; for me.

I think I know what you mean Bunbaker. I never met my dads parents as they died when my dad was a child. My mums dad died when I was 5 and my mums mum died when I was 16, so I never really knew what it was like to have grandparents either. Dh's gran lived to be 100 and died last year. As awful as this sounds, I don't think I was as sympathetic to his loss as I should have been.

I suppose there is a different kind of grief (and stress) associated with someone having a slow decline. My uncle had a stroke 3 years ago and whilst he made a good physical recovery, he obviously still has a much more restricted lifestyle than he expected to have. He was very mentally affected by it and is bitter and resentful of everyone around him for being able to carry on with life while he can't.

He feels cheated of the relaxed retirement years of independence and travel he should have had. The family members who are caring for him obviously take the brunt of it and grieve for the loss of his personality - he was a kind, caring, supportive father and grandfather and that has all gone.

My dd died during birth, so I feel very cheated that she never got a chance at life. So, if a person has had a chance of living life, I find that a good thing, if that makes sense. If a person gets to see their grand kids, that's a good life lived. It's what I hope for. So, lots of bereavement don't seem to be a bad thing, iyswim. I speak to bereaved parents regularly, so perhaps that alters my outlook somewhat.

I also had outstandingly shit parents, they are still alive. I wished my violent father dead many times as a child. I had a reoccurring dream that he was trying to murder us as a child. I do wonder how I will handle their deaths (they'll probably outlive me!). When I was a teenager, my friend's dad had an affair that almost split up their parents. She was very upset about it. So I told her not to speak to her dad again. She said she couldn't because she loved him. I was about 16 at the time and I had this realisation that not everyone hates their father.

I guess I have to agree that if people have lived a long life, I see how lucky they are to have lived it, rather than the sadness of the loss.

I'm so sorry to everyone who has lost someone close to them. I'm 24 and I'm incredibly lucky to have reached this point without ever attending a funeral. My gran's sister died a few years ago but I didn't really know her, and it looked very likely that my mum's brother would die a few months ago following a heart attack that led to a two week coma but he is alive, albeit with severe mental deficits and no longer remembers his wife of 20 years, so is being put into a care facility. It's very sad and unfair, he's a lovely man who leads a healthy lifestyle, it was a total shock.

The thought of being without my parents makes me feel quite tearful, I can't imagine a world without them.

I think it's fairly normal TBH. I would say I understand that they're upset, but I think as you get older you just start to accept death much more as a normal part of life and although you understand people are upset you don't automatically feel devastated for them any more.

Plus there is a hierachy of grief IMO and in normal circumstances it's a lot harder to lose a parent or a partner so when you've been through that although you understand they are upset you're also aware that worse things can happen.

I still have my Gran who is 86, I will be devastated when she passes but I'm also aware that I have been very lucky to have her for so long. I've also seen a friend lose her husband when she was in her early 30s and had two small children and I don't think for a moment losing my grandmother will be as devastating emotionally, financially or physically as that was to her and I wouldn't expect her to pretend that it was.

Some very moving stories on here. It's impossible to make comparisons though, I mean surely being grateful that someone had a "good innings" doesn't actually make the pain less when they die? It's like comparing different illnesses or deaths and trying to make a one-size-fits-all decision about which is worst. Is the shock of losing someone to a heart attack better or worse than the pain of watching someone's slow decline from a terminal illness? I do get what you mean though OP. Years ago I had cancer and for ages afterwards I felt really irritated by anyone with an illness that I felt was "less" than cancer, even though I knew deep down that they were in pain and struggling etc.

I don't know, I think it's quite reductionist to just assume old person=good long life=life of value=lucky. When my great grandfather died, my aunt went into a depression - but he had sexually abused her. Do you reckon anyone outside of the family knew that? Similarly, my father (also abused - same family) was terribly affected by the death of an elderly uncle who had been one of the kindest people he ever knew. I know these are pretty extreme examples, but I think they illustrate the complexity of people's relationships and how they can't really be understood by people outside of the situation on the basis of biographical details.

Having said that, I agree that judging someone else's grief on the basis of a few sketchy details of how old so and so or that they're a grandmother etc is completely normal and understandable, yet it seems to me it is nothing to do with the actual situation and all to do with our own experiences of loss and grief, which we inevitably relate to others, but poorly understand in ourselves, let alone people we know socially etc. Who knows the complex, deep, personal reasons one person grieves a grandparent or a dog? I think here of my cousin with severe mental illness who has only ever really connected to animals etc etc.

I think the OP is absolutely right to recognise these feelings but not verbalise them, because that's the most any of us can do when really we don't understand or know the secrets of other people's hearts. Ultimately, you have to have self-compassion as when you are feeling jealousy over someone else's suffering, it's more a sign you are suffering than truly about reason.