To be pissed off with DH?

[willowbridge]

We live in an ex-council house we are currently trying to sell. Perfectly nice house, three bedroomed, big kitchen.

I have a colleague who wanted help with a washing machine and DH and I offered to help. Said colleague had bought a house in a pretty upmarket area and we mentioned we were moving.

Anyway I won't relay the whole conversation but DH went into a description of our street and house that is not remotely accurate - making it sound as if crime and anti social behaviour are the norm, alcoholics and drug dealers roam and that everyone sleeps until midday! It's SO untrue; the people on our street are lovely. There is a man who is an alcoholic but he is elderly and more sad than bad.

Im embarrassed my colleagues now think I live in a dive and am really upset with DH. Aibu?

Why would he do that.. I can't think of a single reason why he would.

I wouldn't care but obviously you do. Does it matter if you're leaving?

I'm not leaving my job, gamer; we are just looking for a house which is slightly more convenient for our respective workplaces.

I think it was a combination of emphasising how much he dislikes our current home and wanting to share 'funny' stories, except they weren't.

It sounds like he was trying to be funny. Sometimes people use humour to try to diffuse a situation where they feel awkward or uncomfortable. Is it possible that seeing your colleagues new house in an "upmarket area" made your DH feel a bit inadequate? Not that there's any reason why he should feel that way, but it happens.

Was he trying to flatter your colleague? Or making a joke of exaggerating his own situation?

Well yes, there are all sorts of reasons as to why he did it.

But i am still really angry and to be honest a bit humiliated.

Did you challenge him at the time to let your colleague know his description was inaccurate?

LTB.

Could it be that his perception of where you currently live is different to yours, so he wasn't being as dishonest as you think, it's just that he sees it differently?

You are probably over thinking this. The colleague is likely to be thankful for your DHs help rather than being judgy over where you live.

ilovesooty, I didn't: in all honesty, I didn't want DH to look like a liar (not as charitable as it sounds!) I did catch his eye and make a horrified 'wtf are you doing!' expression and really let rip at him outside, and he was extremely apologetic I have to say, but I am still angry and hurt, too, that he thinks so little of our home.

I can understand you're hurt but I think if there's ever a repetition I'd have no reservations about showing him up.

WooWoo - there may be some truth in that.

Everything DH said was technically true. For example, we do live next door to an alcoholic. However, he is in his 80s and is actually pretty kind and amicable. Yet taken out of context in just a sneering tone of voice, it sounds awful.

The problem is, DH wasn't just sneering and judging the area, but in a roundabout way me, as it was my home and my town before DH. Also, they are my colleagues who now think I live in a shittip - I know they don't care, but to be perfectly honest, i do. Perhaps that is unreasonable, though.

I think I would, ilovesooty.

I am really hurt. I know that's ridiculous. We had a bereavement nine months ago and people simply couldn't have been kinder.

DH does stuff like this though. It's so so difficult as on the one hand he means no harm but just doesn't seem to understand boundaries. When we had the bereavement he was telling someone from the house opposite (in a VERY loud voice) we couldn't afford the funeral and the directors had sent the bill to debt collectors I was honestly mortified.

No I don't think it's unreasonable at all. It sounds as though you felt it was a slur on you and your identity and that's embarrassing.

Thanks, ilovesooty,for understanding :)

I feel so alone with this as while I can't do any more and he has apologised I know he doesn't fully understand and this sort of thing just keeps happening and keeps happening.

I know this won't really help but it sounds as though this lack of boundaries and how people perceive his comments is his insecurity talking. It almost sounds like attention seeking. You sound a lot more self aware.

You're not being at all silly.

It's definitely insecurity - not really 'bad' insecurity (what an awful phrase!) He feels insecure and uncertain in social situations - even just chatting to a neighbour - and so starts talking, usually very loudly; he isn't as noisy in 'real life', about something inappropriate.

It's not really his fault. Just the same, it's exhausting keeping up with it.

It's like the opposite of bragging and bigging yourself up in a way isn't it?

Do you think he just didn't realise that you would feel that it reflected badly on you? We used to live next door to a couple who were alcoholics, but mostly very intrusive and amazingly loud. However, the whole street was jam-packed with real weirdos (one of them believed that someone broke into her garden to swap a chicken for a different chicken) but the house was beautiful and the area is the very height of middle class. I told loads of people about the antics that went on around us, which honestly wouldn't have sounded out of place on an episode of Eastenders, but it wouldn't have occurred to me that it reflected badly on me, just that we lived on some sort of nutter ley line by accident.

The fact that he was apologetic says a lot - he clearly wanted to break the ice with your colleague and didn't intend to embarrass you. If you know he's awkward in social situations like this, could you prime him with some subjects that are 'safe' to help him focus on topics which aren't likely to cause upset or embarrassment?

I don't think you should have to prime him or manage his boundaries but I think he should be left in no doubt about why this mustn't happen again and the effect it has on you.

It sounds like trying to keep one step ahead of a child who hasn't yet learned what's socially appropriate.

That's exactly what it's like sooty