About school choir

[AnguaVonUberwald]

Ds1, 6, wants to join school choir. School explained that it's only for year 3 upwards.

All fine, except for the fact that they have 'made an exception' for two girls in ds1's year.

Now that is probably because they have older siblings already in the choir and tbh I am quite pleased ds can't join this year, as it would be one more thing to do each week, it's bound to be on an evening we are already busy, and I would have to pick ds2 up at normal time and come back for ds1.

The reason I am upset is that ds1 has asd, he doesn't understand exceptions to rules, has high anxiety and low self esteem.

He has just said; 'if two girls in my year are in it and they won't let me join, maybe it's because they just don't want me!'

Aibu to think that the school either has a rule or doesn't, once they start making exceptions it bound to cause problems (not going to say this to them)

Aibu to actually say to them; please can you explain to him why the other girls are allowed and he isn't, so that he knows it's not because of him?

Nb, I don't want to cause a big fuss and make them let him join. I think next year is fine, if he's still interested and I am worried that if I bring it up they will think that's what I am after, but I just want to make sure he understands it's not personal.

YANBU.

It is not fair or right to subject such young children to rules like that, even without ASD it's going to come across to a 6 year old as if their school is treating them unjustly.

I think it would be fair enough of you to say to them that their making exceptions to rules has caused problems for one of their pupils, and for you to ask then how they are going to put that right.

You're right, it isn't worth a battle.

I think you should explain it to him and then ask the school to also explain it to him, so you're all saying the same thing. However, check with the school first whether the sibling thing is the reason, as it may be something else which is confidential and that they are not obliged to discuss with you.

Woowoobattle I think I don't really want them to 'put it right!' I just want to make sure ds understands it's not personal and I need them to explain that to him.

Suburbanrhonda good point about the actual reason, and it is non of my business really why they did it. I just want them to back me up with ds that it isn't him. Which is not easy, for him it's really simple, two people in his year are in it, he isn't! I am not sure he will really get any subtleties beyond that.

But I don't really want him in the choir this year, I just can't have it make him feel crap about himself.

YANBU, but something similar happened at my junior school. Choir and musical instruments were restricted to upper juniors (years 5/6) only. But an exception was made for a girl in my year, who was allowed to not only join the choir in Year 3 but also play the violin. It wasn't fair and many parents complained about it, but nothing was done. My own theory is that she was the daughter of a governor and got special treatment because of it, she certainly wasn't anymore musically talented than the rest of us!

YANBU, but has the news of these two girls joining the choir coming from your ds, or the school? Because my dd is also year 2 and frequently misinterprets. I am not for one minute suggesting that your ds is making this up, but it would be worth finding out if he's right, before trying to explain to him (because if he is that does seem unfair).

Neondoll, I was told that one of them was allowed due to an older sibling. That was the only name ds had mentioned at that point.

Manchestermummy, at first ds only mentioned one name, the teacher confirmed that girl was in y2 and in the choir, because she had an older sister.

Ds is not good with names, he has always said there are two girls, he has now come up with a second name. He could be wrong about that, but there could also be other people he hasn't noticed. (He is not good at recognising people either)

I wonder if this would be any help? I would say to ds that you realise how disappointing it is for him not to be able to join the choir when he really wants to, but the fact is that he and you are too busy right now. Explain what he's doing at the time the choir meets and that unfortunately THAT means he can't join the choir now. If he asks why the girls are able to join and he's not, explain that you don't really understand, but sometimes there are reasons we don't understand and that it's very definitely not about them not wanting him .... it's about silly rules that make life difficult to understand.

You will know the best words to use so he understands, but I would avoid any 'them and him' emphasis, and try to turn it to something more general. I don't know your ds of course, but this is how I'd go with my girls.