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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with bil.

24 replies

shamelesspleaforhelp · 17/01/2015 06:42

Yesterday we met bils fiance for the first time (she's not from the uk). They have only been together about 6 months and we made a real effort sending Xmas presents and taking an interest, she flies home tomorrow.
Me and Dp have been together around two years, I have one Dc from a previous relationship (very abusive, not sure bil knows this) and we have one on the way now. We are really happy and have been engaged about 6 months but for the last 11 months I've been claiming benefits as for various reasons that will out me it's been difficult circumstance wise to get back to work.
This is not long term and I will return when I've had this baby. I have always worked so am not the happiest being at home.
Yesterday meeting sil to be for the first time everything was going great until bil stormed off in a mood. Dp followed him and apparently bil said that he did not like him, did not like me because I'm unemployed and did not like my dc so can we just f off as they were only there because pil had arranged for us all to meet.
Aibu to feel a bit Sad . I told everyone it was ok and not to worry about my feelings and that he was just being childish because I don't want anyone to fall out. But inside I'm just so hurt.

OP posts:
Blu · 17/01/2015 07:10

There must be a back story surely? For your BIL to suddenly declare that he does not like his own brother and you and your child?

Sounds a horrible experience.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/01/2015 07:11

He's a massive arsehole. You really shouldn't care what he thinks.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 17/01/2015 07:47

Manchild. In a jealous fit because you were getting on with his new girlfriend and he didn't like it

Silvercatowner · 17/01/2015 07:51

People just don't do that out of the blue. There is other stuff going on.

Purplepoodle · 17/01/2015 08:06

Bit weird, unless your claiming benefits that your not entitled to i.e. your living together but claiming as single then not sure what his problem with benefits would be

LadyLuck10 · 17/01/2015 08:44

What's the full/back story. No one just does this out of the blue.

Original poster
shamelesspleaforhelp · 17/01/2015 08:45

No back story or certainly none that I'm aware of unless something historical I've never been aware of between brothers.
No other issues going on. He is younger by quite a few years (incase that makes a difference he's only just turned 21) so he's not even out of uni himself so I think is judgy without much rl experience?

OP posts:
WiiUnfit · 17/01/2015 08:48

If there's no back-story then YANBU, that sounds awful. Could he be upset GF is flying home soon and taking that out (albeit, very harshly) on your family?

MinceSpy · 17/01/2015 08:58

Little brother threw his toys out of his pram. Okay so he doesn't like his brother or his brother's little family. Your dp can decide what he now wants to do this isn't your fault or problem

Original poster
shamelesspleaforhelp · 17/01/2015 09:06

Yes wii, I think that is a factor in it he's probably dreading her going back.

No there won't be any asking Dp what he's going to do about it, he was really hurt by it and upset but bil is still fairly young and has no idea of the reasons why I'm unemployed at the moment or what it's like to have a family and be in difficult situations. I think he knows he's in the wrong as mil & fil told him so, so I don't think they should fall out about it at all.
I just feel like I'm a lot more upset by it than I'm letting on.

OP posts:
Brandysnapper · 17/01/2015 09:13

I think you should be more upset on your dp's behalf (brother he grew up with turning on him) than on your own. I doubt very much he cares about you being unemployed, he was just looking for someone to dislike - what reason did he have for not liking your dc, seems odd too you're not focusing on that, I would be outraged!

Brandysnapper · 17/01/2015 09:14

I really don't get your last post and the "there wont be any asking dp" stuff - why again is it about your work situation when this adult insulted your dcs? Surely you will speak to your dp again to find out how he is feeling now?

NeedABumChange · 17/01/2015 09:17

What were you discussing when he stormed off? Any controversial topics come up in the evening?

calzone · 17/01/2015 09:24

Tell us the back story........Smile

MinceSpy · 17/01/2015 09:37

Was your bil expressing opinions about people on benefits having more children? You seem to be suggesting that your employment status had something to do with the outburst.

Original poster
shamelesspleaforhelp · 17/01/2015 10:45

No back story honestly! Nothing was being discussed when he stormed off, everyone was playing a game and he nearly fell over and hurt his head (nobody's fault he lost his balance) and I think he banged his head on the cupboard behind him and as soon as he hit his head he walked out. Dp left it about 15 minutes and followed him down to the shed and apparently he just turned on him.
Dp came back into the room with everyone else and we left to let things calm down as didn't want things to be more uncomfortable.
The reason I think it's more about benefits than dc is because he didn't say anything specific about dc, just I don't like you, I don't like her because she's unemployed and I don't like her dc.
Everyone else loves dc and it was not said in front of dc. I find it hard to believe about dc as he plays with them a lot and seems to find it fun. After we left mil rang us later to check how we were feeling and see if he had apologised. She said that he had told them what he had said and that he doesn't like that I am unemployed and that we are having another child before getting married as it's doing it the wrong way round and he was just angry (I don't know why). She said her and fil had told him how in the wrong he was and asked if he had apologised.
I will add that mil and fil are great. Lovely lovely people. Fair to everybody and absolutely shower dc with love so I really don't want anybody to fall out at all. I just feel hurt because I feel the main problem is he's so bloody judgmental. He's always been great with dc before so that part did shock me, and I don't think he would make dc aware of his feelings at all.

OP posts:
TruJay · 17/01/2015 11:14

I know a younger brother who has done something similar to this recently. Him, his mum, younger bro and younger sis all lived up the road from us growing up. Younger bro (YB) has moved away but visits regularly, has been in a serious relationship for 5+ years and will not bring his partner back home on his visits due to being ashamed of family/being brought up by a single mum on a council estate! His recent tantrum has been that as older bro (OB) is expecting a baby with his girlfriend, he is angry that they are not married and are only renting, not home owners and have planned this baby????!! He even went as far as to say why aren't u doing it 'right' like Trujay did down the road!!
I haven't even seen YB for years, OB is 30 and YB 27. Very bizarre behaviour from YB in our opinion, if it was me I would just tell him to sod off, of course u don't want to fall out but your bil needs to understand he cant say things like that and not apologise or try to resolve his issues, if he genuinely feels that way. Personally I think he hurt his ego when he nearly fell over and lashed out at your family as he was embarrassed in front of gf.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 17/01/2015 11:57

Obviously something is happening to him personally that caused him to lash out amongst the safety of family.

TBH, I'd not be over the moon if my brother got together with a woman who wasn't working, already had children and got pregnant so early in the relationship but it's one thing to have your own feelings and another to say them out loud.

PicaK · 17/01/2015 12:41

Sounds like no one made enough fuss over him when he hurt his head. That said, if you're living with your partner and claiming benefits I'd be irritated too.

simbacatlivesgain · 17/01/2015 13:19

How have you been eligible for benefits for 11 month? Is your partner a very low earner? Or have you not declared that you are a couple? Unemployment based on previous work is 6 months- after that it is income based and takes the family income into account.

Jengnr · 17/01/2015 13:52

Whether you are on benefits and why is fuck all to do with him. He's a dick. Don't have anything to do with him until he apologises.

Gruntfuttock · 17/01/2015 14:09

Why did he go to your shed? That's bizarre! Sorry, I know that's not really the point Blush

MinceSpy · 17/01/2015 14:26

Ah it makes more sense now, he lashed out like the injured and embarrassed child he is. It wasn't personal he just verbally lashed out.

He fell over and hit his head which no doubt hurt like hell then he reacted in a very immature way. Now he doesn't know how to save face never mind apologise to all of you. How did his gf react?

Humansatnav · 17/01/2015 15:42

He sounds like a toddler having a tantrum.

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