Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to think my sister has messed up priorities?

44 replies

Blackout234 · 16/01/2015 16:30

As some of you may know, i very recently left an abusive relationship, my ex p punched me in the throat, im 23 weeks pregnant.
Anyhow, he was reported to police, arrested and bailed with the condition to not contact me (He has upheld this so far). however my mum has contacted him (Which is allowed) to ask about getting my pets back, she then went up there and got my pets. Thankfully my 2 rabbits and cat are fine.
Anyhow, my older sister has now kicked off at me about the fact i didnt tell my mum to get my new straighteners, work stuff (Which I will need to replace) and clothes.
It was a job and a half for my mum to get my animals. she also has sciatica and there is no road access for our house, not a far walk about 2 minutes, but for someone with sciatica carrying all of my pets is a job enough nevermind all of the rest of my stuff, which i have no problem losing as straightners etc can be replaced my pets cant (frankly i was worried for their safety, if he punches his pregnant fiance in the throat what will he do to my poor pets:(), I'm really upset as my sister is constantly at me about the stuff which to me is just that, stuff. it can be replaced. 3 little lives can't.
I really could care less about it, ontop of everything else stressing about "stuff" Is one thing i can do without.
AIBU

OP posts:

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 16/01/2015 16:51

I do agree with you, but thinking purely pragmatically, if you don't have your kit you can't work and if you can't work you can't replace your kit. It'd be awful to lose your livelihood over that shithead. If there's anyway you CAN arrange for them to be picked up (safely) then I would.

UrchinMadeOfAcne · 16/01/2015 16:52

I agree with you OP.

I would rather write the stuff off than have to have any type of contact with him again.

Its just stuff.

Summerbreezer · 16/01/2015 16:53

OP, "important" is all relative. Of course your pets are the most important thing (after you and your baby) but things that make you feel normal - clothes, straighteners etc, are important too.

You have been through a lot - it is OK to want your stuff back. You weren't in the wrong - why should you suffer? Ring the police. It shouldn't create a massive fuss.

Original poster

Blackout234 · 16/01/2015 16:53

I have a home, with my mother (Who has kept my bedroom since i moved out 3-4 years ago) not ideal but better that than the streets. I'd rather be 300 out of pocket than have to liase with him, even indirectly. I think it could also be a fresh start thing, either way it doesn't bother me. only about 50-70 quids worth of stuff will NEED replacing (Although that can wait too) so IMO a bit pointless to go all guns blazing for "stuff"

OP posts:

Summerbreezer · 16/01/2015 16:54

Urchin, I am definitely not suggesting she has contact with him. Definitely not.

UrchinMadeOfAcne · 16/01/2015 16:58

From your posts, I would hazard a guess that you would benefit psychologically if you left the stuff, OP.

You don't sound like you would be massively out of pocket, and getting all new stuff is a bit like having a fresh new start, without him.

Fuck all the old shit off and start afresh.

Hatespiders · 16/01/2015 17:06

Since you seem not to mind too much about the stuff, and your pets have been safely retrieved, I'd tell your sister to mind her own business and drop the subject. Pregnant and having gone through this assault and the ensuing turmoil, you definitely don't need her harping on.
Well done for having got away and stopping him ever bothering you again.

jonrotten · 16/01/2015 17:15

You are amazing to have left immediately. You are so brave.

Sod the stuff, you, your baby and your pets are safe. Nothing else matters.

ItsAKindOfRabbit · 16/01/2015 17:21

You're doing great, so glad your pets are safe. YANBU.

sparechange · 16/01/2015 17:31

So glad to hear your update, even if it has a negative tinge to it. And really glad you reported him to the police.

You are being amazingly brave and also very level headed. I agree. Stuff is just stuff, and the stress of getting it back isn't worth it for you or your baby.

fishinabarrell · 16/01/2015 19:02

YANBU. Do you think she's just angry for you? She wants you to get everything you are owed and doesn't actually appreciate the situation?

You can get a police escort, I would do that. Perhaps ask a friend- didn't you mention a bouncer one?- who could help you gather up?

Really glad you left him, he was a ticking time bomb who'd already gone off once.

Original poster

Blackout234 · 16/01/2015 20:58

Fishinabarrel- Sorry for late reply i didnt see your comment. even if shes angry for me (maybe so?) shouldnt she see i just want to ostrich the situation (Bury my head in the sand) and try to focus on healing before things get even worse (Trial and such). said bouncer friend (Husband of a very close friend of mine) has just gone away for a week so unable to help right now but is happy to when hes back, i may send him up with my mum or my friend (His wife, who is happy to go up if he is there) when he gets back if its not too much fuss, my "Stuff" is neither here nor there really.

OP posts:

HappyAgainOneDay · 16/01/2015 21:22

I'm pleased that you feel safe, Blackout

Altinkum · 16/01/2015 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fishinabarrell · 16/01/2015 23:12

That's okay Blackout :)

She may well see that, she may not agree with it and worry that the longer your stuff is with him, the possibility is that you could go back given time. She may well be really afraid that if you don't make a complete break and grab all your stuff that you'll use it as an excuse to go back. Sadly that does happen, i've seen it happen with friends. Not calling the Police right away or at all, dropping charges, then not sorting out stuff and legalities, then comes the excuses and they are back with them. Sad situation.

So while it's stuff you are happy to lose and be rid of if it means being rid of him, maybe she's it as you drawing things out and she worries that you'll go back. Possibly even she knows she'd go back in your shoes and she thinks your ex will talk you round. The sooner your ties are as broken with him as can be, the better. She's probably worried that you might go back to him in the end if he worms his way in. If you find he starts trying to rush other things to get rid of him then you'll probably find it is worry.

judydoes · 17/01/2015 02:35

YANBU. Well done!For being strong and getting yourself out. Glad you're safe now, and I admire you for caring so much about your pets . Glad your little family is unhurt and back together with you. Take care of yourself.

If you don't want your stuff, that's fine-as you imply It's nothing compared to living beings and replacing it is very easy compared to everything else you've had to do.

If your Sister's that bothered about it she can get it herself. But I do find it strange that she doesn't understand why you AREN'T that bothered!

RandomNPC · 17/01/2015 03:36

Well done for getting out when you did, you've done fantastically well so far.

wowfudge · 17/01/2015 06:15

Fwiw I don't think your sister is actually angry with you. She probably sees the injustice of the situation - he hit you and now you have hardly anything although you contributed to your joint home - and doesn't want you to lose more things you have contributed to.

mathanxiety · 17/01/2015 06:34

Well done for leaving immediately and not turning back, and for taking care of the pets. I wish you all the best for the trial -- be brave.

While you really are entitled to a police escort to go and get your things, I feel the same as you do about it. There is little likelihood of you fitting into many of your clothes again for ages and even after you deliver you are not going to fit into them for a few months if at all (I threw away all my pre-pregnancy clothes as their fashion moment had passed by the time I fit into them again) so best to write them off and go well and truly NC with the loser, especially since you have an Order. If you had already bought baby things maybe that would be worth getting, but again I would balance that against the many benefits of completely avoiding contact.

If you are able, sit your sister down at a time when the subject hasn't come up to boiling point and ask her to please drop it. Tell you you understand she is angry on your behalf (I think this is probably the case) but that you are asking her to trust your judgement here, and your best instincts are telling you to stay away and stay safe and not look at all as if you are trying to get a rise out of your ex, for the sake of the upcoming criminal case. She may well be mad at you for being a wuss, but ask her not to judge you and to bear with you, and assure her you are not going back to this man -- when you say stuff is stuff you really mean this, and will not risk your future for the sake of things you can replace.

Flip

1 2