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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for payment in advance?

22 replies

KitKat1985 · 16/01/2015 13:00

Hi all. Will try and keep details vague enough to not be identifiable but without drip feeding. I'm a bridesmaid organising my best friend's hen night for the spring. I don't know many of the attendees as they are hen's old uni friends / work colleagues etc. Hen wants a 'surprise' for hen do. After some research found that that there was a cabaret-style show on locally I think she would love. It's just over £40 a head (inc. meal and a drink). Tickets however selling quite fast so need to book relatively soon-ish (probably next weekend) so need confirmation on numbers so have asked people to confirm asap. I've asked people to provide payment in advance as I can't afford to pay for all the tickets upfront (plus I have enough bitter experience of chasing people for money for tickets / people dropping out at short notice, that I'm really wary of doing it, especially since I don't know most of them). Here's the thing though, although some people have said they are up for it not one of them has yet sent payment. Was I being unreasonable to ask? I can see why they might be anxious to send money to someone they don't know. I have sent a group text out earlier asking again for confirmation / payment asap as I need to book fairly soon and no-one has replied. :( I hate chasing people for money and really starting to wish I had chosen to organise something else.

OP posts:

Chocolatefudgebrownieicecream · 16/01/2015 13:08

Definitely get the money upfront! You could try including the bride in the email asking for the money (but not saying what for) or get the bride to email round saying that you are who you say you are.

BackforGood · 16/01/2015 13:09

I think you need to send an e-mail / group text now, saying - I will be booking the tickets on 20th, but only for those who have sent the money as obviously I can't afford to pay out for everyone's ticket. I understand not everyone will want to go, but can you text/e-mail me a reply saying "Ive put the cheque in the post" or "No thanks" so I know how many I need to get. Many thanks, Kit Kat

Up to you if you want to put in something about - if there are any alternative arrangements if you don't book this.

seastargirl · 16/01/2015 13:11

We used one of the hen do organising companies for this reason. I didn't want to be left with money owed to me that I'd never get back. Could people ring the venue to pay them directly?

Definitely not unreasonable to ask for it upfront.

kinkyfuckery · 16/01/2015 13:11

YANBU/

Can the bride collect money for you? Or could they buy their own tickets?

expatinscotland · 16/01/2015 13:12

I wouldn't settle for cheques, either. PayPal. YANBU.

TwoDogsNoHorse · 16/01/2015 13:12

You have my sympathies having to organise a hen do!

YANBU asking for payment in advance. Have you given them your bank details so that they can do a bank transfer? Did you give them an exact deadline e.g. by 9 pm on Tuesday?

Could you set up a 'secret' FB group for the event so that you can keep everyone up to date regularly and have open discussions that everyone can chip in with.

Anyway, definitely don't book anything for anyone who hasn't paid. If you have communicated exactly when you intend to purchase the tickets then it is up to them to get the money to you before that.

WooWooOwl · 16/01/2015 13:13

YANBU. Asking hens to pay in advance is exactly the right thing to do. If they're being flakey now, they'd be flakey after you'd paid as well, and then you'd really be worrying.

I think it's quite usual for hens to want a surprise, but in my experience, they end up having to get involved because it's just so difficult to organise and event with lots of different random people who you don't know.

Chasing people for money is a standard part of organising a hen night unfortunately. That is one of the reasons why I will never agree to do it again!

Original poster

KitKat1985 · 16/01/2015 13:14

Well the reason I was going to do a group booking was there is a special hen night package at this show but needs a minimum of 8 people, which is why I was going to book it all at once. Although looking increasingly like we may just have to get regular tickets now as looking increasingly unlikely we are going to get at least 8 (feel quite sorry for the hen at the mo).

OP posts:

Original poster

KitKat1985 · 16/01/2015 13:16

Oh and I do have a FB event page already set up which I have put reminders on, and I have (most) of their phone numbers (given by hen) so not sure what more I can do really.

OP posts:

yellowdinosauragain · 16/01/2015 13:23

How about a message on the fb group and also by text saying that you're concerned you've not heard back from anyone. That the arrangements aren't set in stone so if the reason that no one has been in touch is because they all hate the idea or it's too expensive or something else entirely can they please talk to you about it so you can get something sorted as you don't want to let the bride down. And see what they say.

If you don't get any responses to that then I think you're going to have to let the bride know what you've tried in terms of getting in touch and ask what she suggests.

yummumto3girls · 16/01/2015 13:26

I would speak to the Hen. She is putting huge pressure on you to expect a "surprise", I think that's quite childish!! It's causing problems such as this. I presume that she has given you a list of names but she knows them all so needs to be involved. Maybe the lack of response indicates that people don't want to do this activity? I would contact them all, say no one has responded and therefore this is now potentially not an option and you'd welcome their suggestions for alternatives!!

Original poster

KitKat1985 · 16/01/2015 13:33

Yeah, I sent a text / FB group message out this morning asking for confirmation and payment by next weekend at the latest which no-one has replied to (but I appreciate a lot of people are probably at work at the moment), but if I don't get any confirmations in the next day or two I think I'll have to tell people I've had to scrap the idea due to lack of interest and ask them to suggest an alternative. I don't even like bloody hen nights

OP posts:

Tinkerball · 16/01/2015 13:43

Hope you get replies soon, and if not then yes get others involved in suggestions - and then if that doesn't work you will have to speak to the bride.

expatinscotland · 16/01/2015 13:45

I would scrap. And tell the hen why. Whatever happened to just all meeting in a pub and then grabbing a kebab?

PicaK · 16/01/2015 13:49

You can't tell people they've got 8 days to get back to you (next weekend) and then cancel it on Monday after 3 days!

Original poster

KitKat1985 · 16/01/2015 13:55

To be clear though Picak I asked people a while ago, and despite several follow-up messages am getting no-where, so it won't just have been 3 days.

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 16/01/2015 14:17

Its not unreasonable to ask for payment upfront and no way should you take the hit on paying it. However its not pay day for another couple of weeks and some people are probably watching what they spend now especially if they got paid early in December.

If I were you, I'd wait until the deadline you have given with maybe a prod a few days before as people will forget and just miss out on the hen do package.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 16/01/2015 14:40

YANBU. Stick to your guns. You will only end up massively out of pocket if you pay up front for other people.

fromparistoberlin73 · 16/01/2015 14:42

Ugh hen nights . Sympathies as you have the shitty end of the stick here

Be factual and ask for yes/ no

Painful

Flomple · 16/01/2015 14:43

Yup, it's Jan. Some will get paid by Friday. I know they are already annoying you but as pick says, you can't cancel 5 days before the deadline you've set!

Absolutely reasonable for you to insist on money up front but unreasonable to cancel before next Fri. A lot of people work on a 'just in time' way, especially around payday!

engeika · 16/01/2015 14:56

Agree YANBU to ask for payment upfront. It might be that they are not that keen on the event - shame really - but you can't take all the responsibility either to arrange or to sort the finance.

Get them involved in organising it.

petalunicorn · 16/01/2015 16:04

If I had a message saying payment by next weekend I would likely pay just before next weekend.....surely you have to assess next weekend, not this

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