I'll try and keep it as short as possible...
My parents divorced when I was 4. I lived with my father and grandparents at first and then with my father and stepmother when my father remarried about a year later. My stepmother never liked me and used to frequently punch me or hit me with objects. I can remember being made to sit for hours, gagging on meals until my plate was cleared being threatened with it for breakfast if it wasn't finished by bedtime. I can remember lots of dogs that weren't toilet trained and if I got up first I would have to clan up the wet and dirty (dog poo) newspaper from the kitchen. Also had to clean up dog poo from the garden. If I was told to tidy my room, when my father got in from work my stepmother would say it wasn't done. I would get taken upstairs by my father to find it untidy in spite of my having tidied it as my stepmother would have gone upstairs and made a mess there. I would get hit badly for this. I can remember begging my father not to hurt me. When my grandmother noticed bruises on me she was stopped from having any contact. We didn't have any basic care. No decent clothes, hols in our shoes, no one up before school In the morning. Cereal was left in bowls on the table the night before with a bottle of milk. I can remember sitting on the third floor window ledge thinking about jumping out. Then my stepmother told my father that either I went or she did and I was sent to live with my mother and stepfather.
I was hit with a slipper there. By my step father. He also later on sexually abused me. I tues to tell my mother on one occasion and she sent me to my room to think about what I'd said and then let my stepfather come and speak to me in private. He told me that he would go to prison, my mother would be alone and unhappy etc and I should tell my mum I had make it up. So I did. I was around 12 by then. About two years later a friend told me my stepfather had touched her during a sleepover and we told a teacher at school. This eventually resulted in my stepfather being convicted by my Mum stayed married to him and I was put in the child protection register but stayed living there until I couldn't stand it any longer and was fostered. My sister later disclosed that my stepfather had also abused her and my mum then threw him out.
I haven't had any contact with my father since I left there except two occasions. Both times he blamed me for having no contact and I said I didn't wish any further contact if that was how he felt. My grandmother is now in touch with him (more so since my grandfather, who could never forgive him has died) and I feel she greatly minimises the abuse I suffered and this hurts me. I was always very close to my grandmother until quite recently when I feel I gave had to distance myself.
I've had counselling in the past but I don't feel it helped. It has negatively affected all my adult relationships and I'm scared and insecure with no self esteem. I have just started more counselling and my husband and I have arranged marriage counselling, but I feel like I just can't ever recover from my childhood and will be damaged by it forever. AIBU? Can I live a happy life?