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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried/upset about not having children

47 replies

parsnipandmushroom · 15/01/2015 17:21

Just that, really.

I'm single - hence not having any yet.

I know it's a pointless whinge and I'll be fine soon but I work in a very female dominated environment and another colleague went on maternity leave today and I had to smile and give her a bouquet of flowers but inside I was weeping!

Sorry - being silly!

OP posts:

naty1 · 15/01/2015 22:00

I certainly wouldnt bank on 10trs of fertility. But also just doing the downs screening now at 35 i have 1/350 chance of downs one of the stats said 1/30 at 45. Factoring in about 1/4 chance of miscarriage at any age. 20% chance of pg in any month.
Why does there seem so many more women than men?

CatThiefKeith · 15/01/2015 22:22

If anyone is in Kent I have a couple if men in my friendship group that want to settle down.

I also have a male friend in Essex that is desperate to meet a woman and have babies.

Oh, and a divorced, utterly lovely cousin that has been a lp for about 10 years and now his dd is almost 18 would like to meet someone. No more children for him though.

l12ngo · 16/01/2015 00:14

Just to give some support to OP, I don't think it's silly at all. Rather it shows that you're a caring person and would love to devote yourself to a family.

I'm 40 this year and really the only regret I have is that work took me all over the place for so long that I never settled down and had a family. Fortunately, I'm a bloke so I perhaps have a little more time (though not much) but there's plenty of people in the same situation so I think you can take solace from that and, by reading some of these other posts, take heart that there's still time for you.

jigglywiggly · 16/01/2015 00:19

OP I didn't meet my DH until I was 36 . I'm now 42. ( today!) and currently pregnant with DC2. So you have time :) enjoy being single for now as in a few years when you are sleep deprived with a newborn you will look back on your single days with fond memories!!

30somethingm · 16/01/2015 00:42

@Parsnip. Would you rank having kids with someone above having a really deep relationship with someone who doesn't have kids?

Although not similar to your situation, a friend of mine broke off her engagement with her bloke at 33 as she was worried about the "fertility cliff" (she claims it is 35). Her bloke said he doesn't want kids (has always said so) and she just assumed he would change his mind eventually. He did not and she ended it after the culmination of a series of conversations. Anyway she isn't happy pursuing a man for babies 4 years later and regrets her decision to end her "dream relationship". She is currently single sadly.

expatinscotland · 16/01/2015 01:47

'Although not similar to your situation, a friend of mine broke off her engagement with her bloke at 33 as she was worried about the "fertility cliff" (she claims it is 35). Her bloke said he doesn't want kids (has always said so) and she just assumed he would change his mind eventually. He did not and she ended it after the culmination of a series of conversations. Anyway she isn't happy pursuing a man for babies 4 years later and regrets her decision to end her "dream relationship". She is currently single sadly.'

Well, she went and bought into all this 'the one' bullshit and he told her he never wanted kids. When a person tells you who they are, believe them.

There are plenty of options out there, if you really want to procreate. Can go alone, can co-parent with a gay man or couple.

For every, 'She had 4 kids past 40,' there are several more who maybe one or none, after round after round of IVF.

There might be no fertility cliff but there might be a world out there, as a single mum of one or more, with another.

expatinscotland · 16/01/2015 01:49

My ex and I divorced finally, when I was 30. He was older. He said 'no kids' and I believed him. 14 years on, I had three children, he had none. He remarried a woman who never wanted kids, and I remarried a man who did.

Thumbwitch · 16/01/2015 02:08

If it's any consolation, and it probably isn't but anyway - I didn't meet DH until I was 36. Had DS1 at 40, DS2 at 45 (with admittedly 3 MCs in between). You do still have time, but obviously it would improve your chances of having DC to do it earlier (but this is largely out of your control, I know this!)

YANBU though.

WhereHas1999DissappearedToo · 16/01/2015 02:22

I agree with expat whilst heaps of women are able to have children in their 40s, there are more who can't have children. I really would not fall for this 10 years left bullshit. I would say 5 years, 7 tops.

Thumbwitch · 16/01/2015 04:38

Sorry Gilmore - I didn't see your question when I posted before. I'd been single, mostly, since the age of 30 (apart from a few short-term BFs) and had been taking in lodgers for 4 years, when the last lodger I got turned out to be DH. We hit it off as friends first, then got very drunk on his birthday and things progressed from there. But, he was due to go back to Australia a couple of weeks later, so it was debatable whether or not it would last! It did, on and off over the next 3 years while he went back and did a degree as a mature student; and then we made some bold decisions, got pg, got married and I moved over here.

But - DH was, if I've counted correctly, my 13th lodger over 4 years, so it's not necessarily a cast iron option!

Messygirl · 16/01/2015 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Messygirl · 16/01/2015 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greenfizzywater · 16/01/2015 13:27

You have at least another 10 child bearing years, all being well

all well and good to give support, but that's pushing it a bit. chances of conception in early/mid 40's are much lower and rates of miscarriage/chromosomal abnormalities higher. I'd call it 5+ years

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 16/01/2015 14:03

Whatever Green - there are still several years of opportunity.

I met DH on a course. We'd both been sent by our (different) employers. I was 32.

Husbands turn up in the most unexpected places

Thumbwitch · 16/01/2015 14:07

THey do indeed, Middleaged - a friend of mine met hers on a train!

HorseyGirl1 · 16/01/2015 14:34

Funkyfoam - today on all days you have given me some hope re expanding my own wee family. Thanks so much for that x

To Parsnip and Mushroom - agree with the point that poster made re not turning down nights out etc - husbands /partners turn up when most unexpected. Also who says you need to have the children - maybe 'the one' will have his own children already and you will carve your own place in their lives. You might not be their mother but you will be their very own personal Parsnip and Mushroom. Good luck and never give up hope or on life. Get on with living your life - that's when you meet people.

cinnamongirl1976 · 16/01/2015 14:51

You're absolutely not being silly. I was single for a long while (10 years or so). It is really hard watching your friends and colleagues getting together and having children.

Getting your fertility checked just so that you know is a good idea, though. It just takes a blood test.

I met my husband online. I think we were meant to be together but I don't think we would have met in 'real life' because our paths would not have crossed that way.

fromparistoberlin73 · 16/01/2015 14:56

This might sound like a silly question - but what do you see that having kids adds to your life? I know the answer might seem obvious but I am genuinely curious x

Wishing you both luck, and happy acceptance of how it all pans out

mrswishywashy · 16/01/2015 14:58

I had the same thoughts at 34 however met my partner and we are trying for a bb. My partner has no sperm so we knew we would need treatment. After testing I have a low AMH and low eggs. We did five rounds of IUI last year, all negative and about to start first ivf. It's very expensive especially as there is no guarantee. We are having one treatment in the UK before looking at cheaper options in Europe. If this time next year I'm not pregnant withmy own eggs I'll consider donor eggs.

I'd consider a fertility mot and if it looks like it's low I'd perhaps freeze eggs so that they can be used later.

Original poster

parsnipandmushroom · 16/01/2015 16:41

Thanks. What will be will be: I don't really see the point in a fertility checkup at this stage as I'm still single. When/if I meet someone it will be different as then I'll want to know when we should start trying!

OP posts:

Messygirl · 16/01/2015 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

naty1 · 16/01/2015 21:33

I think the fertility mot could give false reassurance.

Blocked tubes
Undiagnosed pcos
Endometriosis
No sperm/ low count
Same for men what may be fine/good enough to get pg then 3 yrs later trying for dc2 no or very low count found.

Probably more useful OP is to consider if you have any symptoms of pcos/endo/thyroid issues.
Irregular periods etc or very ling or short ones.

I think even if nice figures are correct thats still 18% who struggle and it took us over a yr with nhs to get to ivf treatment, even with no waiting lists and a clear issue. Then the success rates drop considerably over 35. It leaves little time to fix anything.
Often they want people to ttc for 2-3 yrs before treatment if it is unexplained infertility.
I think finding someone is such luck, just keep looking.
I met dp at uni. I have to say if i hadnt then i dont think anyone ive met since i woukd have dated. Its such a broad group of people, i really wouldnt have liked my work colleagues and of course a lot have been a fair bit older/married etc.
Almost everyone i know is now couples with only 1 without kids. But i guess in a couple of yrs - in their 40s divorces will happen.

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